Freeloading daughter refuses to host family Thanksgiving despite other siblings taking their turn, flips out when mom disinvites her: 'I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Nov 7, 2024 6:00 PM EST

Hosting duties are no easy ride, even when you're doing them for the people closest to you. Cooking and keeping your loved ones happy seems like a simple enough brief on the face of it, but it is actually a lot to consider. By the same token, if it is a shared duty then it's important to take you turn with it. Most hosts get tired of you being a perpetual guest.

Unfortunately, this was something that one woman decided to ignore after her family repeatedly requested that she be involved in their holiday hosting rota that was shared between everybody. After shirking the responsibility for some time, she agreed to do Thanksgiving and then canceled it a few weeks prior. This led to her mom disinviting her from the event for not being willing to contribute, which her daughter was not pleased about. However, the internet wasn't so sure what to make of this retaliation.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10425850880
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won't host Thanksgiving?
    via BonusSpecialist1607
  • 03
    In our family, holidays are rotated, so one person hosts the Fourth of July, another hosts Christmas, and another hosts Thanksgiving etc.. This way, no one is constantly hosting, and it makes it fair for everyone. This post is about my middle daughter, Clara. Clara has always been skipping her host duties, when it gets to her she has an excuse why she can't host. It ranges but usually goes along the lines of stress or she is too busy.
    via BonusSpecialist1607
  • 04
    This results in other family members to pick up her holiday. It is frustrating and multiple people have talked to her about this. She bailed on hosting Easter but promised me that she would do Thanksgiving we swapped holidays. At the time I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word and if she dumped it on someone else she wouldn't be going to Thanksgiving. It usually gets dumped on me.
    via BonusSpecialist1607
  • 05
    Anyway, I called her asking if she wanted me to bring a dessert board for Thanksgiving. She told me that she could not host because she had just moved into her home (she moved in July), and it was too messy to host. I told her she could clean since it was a few weeks away. She told me she can't. I know the other kids can't host it, (well one could but she is doing Christmas and its not fair at all for her). I informed everyone it would beat my place this year. I also informed everyone that Clara
    via BonusSpecialist1607
  • 06
    Clara was ped when I told her that and we got into a huge argument. She thinks I am a big j. My other kids are split, two of them are happy since they are tired of picking up her slack when this happens while others things this is too far. So outside opinion
    via BonusSpecialist1607
  • 07
    HopingForAWhippet Edit: after seeing OP's response, NTA. INFO: have you ever had a conversation about coming to a compromise, or seeing why Clara is so adamant about not hosting? For example, do the rest of you have spouses that can help while Clara is single? Does she have small children while the rest don't? Or maybe Clara just has the personality where hosting is rough on her. If I were you, I'd have this honest conversation and see what middle ground can be reached. For example, in my family
    via HopingForAWhippet
  • 08
    I'm just surprised that you'd jump to ostracizing Clara from the holidays without figuring out a way for her to contribute without hosting. If she's only willing to take in all aspects that's one issue. If the only thing she's not willing to give is hosting, though, if you love her and want to spend time with her, wouldn't you want to at least try and figure something out?
    via HopingForAWhippet
  • 09
    ISOPIlostpassword I am the OP, I was using Incontigo tab and exxed out. I can't get into my old email to reset password ( I will keep trying) I have asked and she claims she wants to host, we have asked her to bring things before but she also des not do that None of the kids are married, one does have a long time gf but everyone is on their own. No kids and she deson't have a persoanlilty that would make it difficult to host
    via ISOPIlostpassword
  • 10
    HopingForAWhippet Ok, if she won't contribute in any way, shape, or form, and you've asked her to be honest about whether she's willing to host, I can see more clearly why you jumped to disinviting her. It's still not what I would do, because I'd rather feel a little taken advantage of than exclude family from a holiday. But Clara is definitely behaving selfishly, especially with backing out at the last minute. That explanation softens things to the extent where I see you as NTA, even if we have
    via HopingForAWhippet
  • 11
    ITSBRITNEYsBrITCHES Sounds a lot like my own sister, who I am happily NO CONTACT with. There's a lot of questions/remarks in here about being neurodivergent or anxiety, but I'm not getting that feeling reading between the lines, and I also harbor a lot of angst in a family that also feels the same way, about reciprocation. It sounds like she's happy to show up if someone else is putting in the effort and also feels entitled enough not to actually CONTRIBUTE. "We've asked her to bring things befo
    via ITSBRITNEYsBrITCHES
  • 12
    I'm going with NTA. And I'll also applaud you on tossing up a boundary- but please, please try to MAINTAIN IT. I've lived through this exact scenario for so long I'm only grateful that I was able to draw a line in the sand and stand firmly behind it. That alone took.... , 39 of my almost 42 years. To break it down to the most basic levels: "Pay to play" And if she isn't willing to contribute even as a GUEST???? Move on. And please, hold your ground.
    via ITSBRITNEYsBrITCHES
  • 13
    Softimagination7322 This post is weird to me, why would you try and force someone to host that doesn't want to? Her hosting is more important to you guys than being with her during a holiday? The rotation should include whoever wants to be included. It sounds like you're making holidays way too hard, gather at whatever/whoevers house is biggest and doesn't mind visitors and everyone bring something. It really doesn't have to be this difficult
    via SoftImagination7322
  • 14
    FerretRN I don't think she's being "forced". Several of OP's comments state that the daughter says she wants to host, then backs out a few weeks before. That's not okay. If you don't want to, you shouldn't have agreed to it then dump it on someone else. She also said this daughter never brings anything to the holidays when others host. That seems incredibly selfish. Unless there's something big missing to this story, then I would say OP is NTA.
    via FerretRN
  • 15
    According-Rule837 NTA- if she's not going to contribute in any way shape or form she can feel free to bring nothing including herself. In the past my family rotated who hosted holidays, but it was one person did thanksgiving at their house one year, another person at theirs the next. But everyone brought something. If I'm invited to someone's house for a meal I'm either bringing something or helping. I don't understand the disrespect to do neither. in her case it makes her a not welcome guest in
    via According-Rule837
  • 16
    Irnjrsh ESH. Did Clara actually agree to being part of the rotation? She clearly doesn't want to host family events and there's nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't want a bunch of people in my space either! It's a weird hill to di on to completely disinvite your daughter from a holiday that is about spending time with family. I feel like you're being spiteful because she's not conforming to exactly what you want her to do. That being said, Clara needs to set firm boundaries and make it known she
    via lrnjrsh
  • 17
    ghostwooman Clara also needs to recognize the labor that others are contributing and offer some alternative ways to do her part. Ex- showing up early to help cook and clean, hiring someone to clean afterwards, paying for the food as her contribution.
    via ghostwooman
  • 18
    mmDruhgs Right?? People claiming the daughter never agreed to the rotation.. well the rotation is there so people don't get stuck hosting lol that's the entire friggin' point. Pay up in other ways if hosting is too stressful.
    via mmDruhgs
  • 19
    My_Dramatic_Persona She also did very specifically agree to hosting this time. And OP warned her in advance clearly that if she bailed on hosting Thanksgiving she wouldn't be invited. That's why I can't agree with YTA.
    via My_Dramatic_Persona
  • 20
    turdusphilomelos Well, Clara obviously enjoy the family get togethers, otherwise she wouldn't mind not being invited? So, is it the mother's duty to always be the host, cooking or cleaning every holiday? Or is it more fair that the family takes turns? Lots of people don't like to host, because hosting is a lot of hard work, but it is kind of selfish to always expect some one else to do the hard work and just show up for the fun. If you like to go to parties, you have to be ready to host a party
    via turdusphilomelos
  • 21
    KiriYogi NTA- she thought you were bluffing. You can offer to let her pay for all the food and your time and a house cleaner or she can't come. She used to cheaping out- it's time she grew up.
    via KiriYogi
  • 22
    KBD_in_PDX INFO: Did everyone agree to rotating hosting duties? Do you actually know if your family are happy with that arrangement still? So far this sounds like ESH to me... hosting IS hard work, and it sounds like there's some history behind Clara not enjoying hosting. Have you ever asked her why it's such a huge lift for her to have people over? It sounds like it's obviously something she doesn't want to do, so everyone is really being set up to fail, since ultimately... nobody can FORCE any
    via KBD_in_PDX
  • 23
    LadyLightTravel To me the issue is that there have been several events where she dropped out at the last minute. If it's beyond you, say so early so others can plan. But repeated drop outs a the last minute seem to be forcing others to pivot and pick up the slack. It's not just about hosting. It's dealing with all the chaos of a changed venue at the last minute. That is super stressful.
    via LadyLightTravel
  • 24
    MaximuslsKing +1 It's annoying to see so many make excuses for a grown adult mooching and skirting a commitment instead of communicating and finding a solution.
    via MaximusIsKing
  • 25
    Mean-Impress2103 They aren't forcing her to do anything, they just don't want to keep doing the hard work of of hosting someone who doesn't reciprocate. She's been talked to every time she bails and she continues to bail. She's an adult and if there is some issue beyond "it's work I'm too lazy to do" then she should open her mouth and communicate that.
    via Mean-Impress2103
  • 26
    MollyRolls YTA for prioritizing the holiday rotation over the family that's supposed to make holidays worth celebrating. I get that you feel this system is fair, but your daughter clearly doesn't feel able to take on the hosting role you've assigned her. So, what, for that she's out of the family? That sounds normal and healthy to you?
    via MollyRolls
  • 27
    JerseyKeebs I'd say ESH because if so, it's on the daughter to communicate that. Not promise to do something, then back out at the last minute AND cause more work for a different family member. All the great ideas for compromise in this thread should have been suggested by her. If you can't host, pitch in another way. It's quite possible that with her flimsy excuses, she's starting to feel like a mooch.
    via JerseyKeebs

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