Frazzled mom of 4 refuses to cook Thanksgiving dinner for her husband's side of the family after doing it every year for 15 years, his family members refuse to cook: 'Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Nov 25, 2024 6:00 PM EST

Cooking holiday meals often falls on the women in the family. There is nothing about being a woman that makes them more qualified to stuff breads, fruits, and nuts inside a turkey, but unfortunately, we live in a society where men don't want to do that. I can't help but wonder how much more smoothly Thanksgiving dinners would go if everyone in the family helped out. You could crank out a multi-course meal in 3 hours flat if Uncle Jim got off the couch and peeled some potatoes, but that might never happen, given how much he loves the Cowboys. 

Sometimes, Thanksgiving dinner doesn't just fall on the women in the family, but on the woman in the family. She's the one who is in charge of all of the dishes, and no matter how much she needs help, nobody ever offers it. The mom in this story is the woman in her husband's family who cooks for Thanksgiving every year, and she's just plain sick of it. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10432398080
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to cook Thanksgiving lunch after 15 years?
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    For the past 15 years, I (38F) have been the one cooking Thanksgiving lunch, or at least the turkey and most of the food. It's been a tradition, but this year, I'm completely burnt out. I'm a teacher with four kids (ages 2-15), and this year has been especially stressful with work, parenting, and school. I just don't have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again.
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    I suggested that my sister-in-law (SIL1), who just moved into a new house should maybe host this year, and could make the turkey. She's a stay-at-home mom with one child (11 months old), so I thought it wouldn't be too much to ask. My mother- in-law immediately shut that idea down, saying SIL1 is "unreliable" and might not wake up early enough to make it. (How is that my problem?)
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    I then suggested my brother-in-law's wife could also take on the responsibility. They got married this summer but have been together for over five years. She's never cooked a turkey before, but my mother-in-law said, "the turkey cooks itself," so I don't see why she can't give it a try. Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it's suddenly a crisis.
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    When I told my husband I wasn't cooking, he said I'm just resentful because his parents helped SIL1 buy her house. That's not true-l even suggested SIL2 could make the turkey. Then he brought up that I'm mad because every time we have a date night, his parents tell my older daughter (who babysits her siblings) that we're neglecting our responsibilities as parents. I pointed out how unfair that is, but he just said, "We're the most stable, so that's why we're always asked to take on more."
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    My husband thinks my decision not to cook has less to do with stress and more to do with his family. He said I only decided not to cook after my mom said she wouldn't be coming over. My mom has been battling breast cancer for the past 10 months and just wants to stay home this year and avoid being around so many people. Last year, my parents spent Thanksgiving with my sister, who couldn't travel, but I still cooked for his family. In the past, I hosted Thanksgiving at our house because my family
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    My husband also said I have "five days to rest" before Thanksgiving and doesn't understand why I can't just cook the turkey. I explained I don't want the responsibility of waking up early, making the turkey, and dealing with everyone asking me, "Is it almost done?" For once, I just want to show up, sit down, and eat, like everyone else does. He threw in that I've been hosting Thanksgiving for the last seven years, which I pointed out is exactly why I'm tired.
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    When I told him I didn't want to do it, he accused me of neglecting my "motherly duties," which really hurt. Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don't have to because they "can't" or "don't want to"? Well, I don't want to this year either. AITA for refusing to cook this year?
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    Wrong_Moose_9763 Motherly duties, yeah f that. Your husband needs to shut his pie hole. In fact, tell hubby he either backs you or HE. CAN. DO. IT. ALL., cooking, cleaning, including before the meal and after. And don't take no for an answer. NTA
    via u/Wrong_Moose_9763
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    Specific-Apple6465 My only question back to the motherly duty part is...... how aren't the other mothers then not neglecting theirs if they don't take their turns for the holidays? How is she the only "bad mother" because she won't host but all the other mothers in the family haven't hosted in years? That's what I would say to the duh of a husband.
    via u/Specific-Apple6465
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    Maybemaybedefinitely Your husband needs a reality check. It's unfair to expect you to carry the whole burden. If he wants Thanksgiving to go smooth, he should step up or let the others take their turn. NTA
    via u/Maybemaybedefinitely
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    Beck2010 1d ago • Top 5% Commenter "Husband, if you're so h I bent on our hosting yet again, then it's 100% on you. You shop. You clean. You prep. You cook. You do everything. I'm not going to lift a finger. I am not hosting Thanksgiving for the 15th year when I am burned out from life. I. Need. A. Break." NTA.
    via u/Beck2010
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    marblefree This. I would even go so far as to leave and stay somewhere else at this point.
    via u/marblefree
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    No_Cockroach4248 • 1d ago • May I politely suggest you have a husband problem. He does not have your back and is gaslighting you. Your MIL does not respect you and appears to value her daughter and other DIL more. Your husband will listen to what mommy says and acts accordingly NTA for refusing to cook, go visit your mom for Thanksgiving
    via u/No_Cockroach4248
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    Zorrosmama 1d ago • Top 5% Commenter go visit your mom for Thanksgiving without the husband.
    via u/Zorrosmama
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    Boeing367-80 Don't get mad, don't be hurt. "I've done this for 15 years, it's someone else's turn." But also, don't make suggestions of other people to take it over. Simply say you're not doing it and it's up to others to figure it out. Whatever happens, don't feel guilty.
    via u/Boeing367-80
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    Scorp128 ⚫1d ago • Top 1% Commenter If it's "just a turkey" and soo easy to cook, why doesn't husband step the eff up and help his burt out wife out by cooking the turkey for his family? What an absolute childish a hole. That whole side of the family.
    via u/Scorp128
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    OP needs to inform him and his family if they want turkey, they need to figure out who amongst them will be cooking it because OP is not available this year. OP should go spend this time with her own Mom and get an actual break and some support, because him and his family are not doing their family duties and helping out someone who is understandably burnt out.
    via u/Scorp128
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    Correct_Dog9959 Only woman can cook in this family? NTA for asking for someone else to contribuite, YTA for only considering woman to do it
    via u/Correct_Dog9959
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    LuvBliss22 I hosted my family for Thanksgiving and Christmas for 25 years. I bought the food and cooked it all. The only thing my family showed up with on arrival was their leftover containers. So of course it was expected that I make lots of extra food. My problem was that I would ask everyone to arrive by a certain time but each year everyone started to arrive later and later. Like HOURS later. It takes a lot of planning for all of those dishes to
    via u/LuvBliss22
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    be ready at a certain time. But then I was keeping everything warm until they finally decided to get there. It was so frustrating and I felt like I was being taken for granted and no longer respected. So one year I just quit. I was done. No more family meals at my house. Did anyone else pick up the tradition? No. Now we all just stay home and do our own thing. Fine by me.
    via u/LuvBliss22
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    SaltFall5312 OP You get it!!
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    Update: Thanks to everyone who weighed in on my original post. I was overwhelmed with the response as this is my first time posting. After a lot of back and forth with my husband, here's where things stand: I told him that for lunch, the kids and I would be going over to my mom's house. She's recovering from breast cancer and just wants a quiet day, so I want to spend time with her. I told my husband he was welcome to join us or not-his choice.
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    He asked if I could meet him halfway by popping the turkey in the oven before leaving for my mom's so his family could eat at 3. I said no, but I'd be willing to cook the turkey if dinner was pushed to 6, giving me more time to prepare on my terms. He said that was too late. He then suggested his mom could cook the sides, and I'd just handle the turkey. Again, I said I'd only do it if dinner was moved to 6. When he refused, I stood firm and said no. I want to bring something easy this year, like
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    For context, we live next door to his parents and his sister, so the constant expectations from his family are exhausting. My husband and I share the household responsibilities equally― he does all the daily cleaning, even when we aren't hosting, and we both handle the kids' baths, school drop-offs, and pickups. I'm not complaining about him at all. The issue is with his family.
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    His family keeps insisting the others can't cook or host because they're "incompetent." But the real problem is that my in-laws coddle them and never let them take responsibility for anything. That's not my problem to solve. I just want a break from being the one carrying the load every year. I'm sticking to my boundaries. If they think no one else is capable of cooking, then they can deal with the consequences ―not me. Also I had said since last month that I didn't want to host or cook so this
    via u/SaltFall5312
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    Update: Someone ask how it became the "tradition" of me making the turkey. My mil rarely made a turkey they usually went to my husband's paternal grandparents house. Him and the cousins are all the same age so once everyone got married his aunts and cousins started doing their own thing. I got handed the job of turkey because my mil said her oven was too small to fit the turkey. She has one of those built in wall ovens from the 80s. The first year before we were living next to them she came over
    via u/SaltFall5312

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family drama cooking kids thanksgiving mother tired wife husband sister in law Turkey dad in laws mother in law family food parent mom parents
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