‘It doesn’t feel like I was ever truly raised, more like survived’: Neglected daughter refuses to be ‘aging’ mother's primary caregiver after years of being treated like her least favorite child

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Dec 2, 2024 9:00 AM EST

When you grow up with siblings, it's difficult to refrain from participating in the unavoidable favoritism contest.

Many parents often set a toxic precedent early in their children's lives that makes them feel like they're less than them because they lack the traits their siblings possess. As a result, it's even more difficult not to feel like you're always in last place. Forgiving this type of behavior from a parent is not easy, but it is absolutely necessary for your peace of mind.

Even when you manage to get away from the toxicity, it has a funny way of finding you again. The woman in this next story was neglected by her mother for most of her life. Now that her mother is getting a bit older, the woman is expected to be her mother's primary caregiver. Fortunately, the woman decides to nip that expectation in the bud — but her siblings disagree with her decision. Instead of giving in, she puts her foot down once more to send a message.

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    Cheezburger Image 10433398272
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITAH for refusing to care for my aging mother after everything she put me through growing up?
    via SweetLustRose
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    My mother (60F) was never what you'd call nurturing. Growing up, I was the "difficult" child at least, that's what she always said. I didn't fit the mold of what she wanted.
    via SweetLustRose
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    While my siblings were praised for even the smallest achievements, I was constantly criticized, told I'd never measure up, and had my self-esteem torn down bit by bit.
    via SweetLustRose
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    She'd make snide remarks about my appearance, my friends, even my interests, calling them "silly" or "a waste of time." For years, I felt like I was in a competition I could never win.
    via SweetLustRose
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    I moved out at 21, and that's when I finally started to heal. I went to therapy, worked on building a life I was proud of, and limited contact with her to family
    via SweetLustRose
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    gatherings and polite phone calls. Despite everything, I tried to maintain some level of connection, hoping one day she'd acknowledge the damage she'd done.
    via SweetLustRose
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    But it never came. Instead, whenever we spoke, she'd criticize my choices or give backhanded compliments about my lifestyle or career. She'd say things.
    via SweetLustRose
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    like, "It's nice you're doing well, even if you took the long way to get there." Now, my mother's health is declining, and she can't live alone. My siblings,
    via SweetLustRose
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    each with young kids, are asking me to take her in. They insist that since I don't have children, I'm the "logical choice" and owe it to her for everything she "sacrificed." But when I
    via SweetLustRose
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    think about caring for her, all I remember is the pain she put me through. I remember her telling me I'd never amount to anything, that I was a burden. It's hard to feel compassion after years of
    via SweetLustRose
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    emotional wounds she never apologized for, much less acknowledged. I told my siblings I'd help financially if she needs support but won't be her primary caregiver.
    via SweetLustRose
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    They're furious, saying I'm selfish, bitter, and abandoning her over "grudges." They keep bringing up how she "raised" me, but it doesn't feel like I was ever truly raised more like
    via SweetLustRose
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    survived. Now, my mother's been calling, leaving tearful voicemails, saying she's lonely and doesn't understand why her "only daughter" won't step up. Part of me feels guilty, but I also feel like
    via SweetLustRose
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    I'm finally standing up for myself. I don't know if I'm being cruel or if this is me setting long-overdue boundaries. AITA for refusing to care for her?
    via SweetLustRose
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    alsomi... 21h ago. Don't let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your own happiness for someone who has repeatedly hurt you.
    via alsomikenolan
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    • nephel... 21h ago. The "only daughter" comment is telling. She probably treated you so poorly do to your cardinal sin of being born a girl/s
    via nepheleb
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    And your siblings (brothers I assume) are pressuring you to care for her because you're a girl. NTA Stand firm.
    via nepheleb
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    Illustrious_Bus... • 21h ago NTA I went through similar myself. I left at 18. When I was 32, I foolishly let her manipulate me into returning to help her. Don't do it. Let one of those "better" siblings give up their lives.
    via Illustrious_Bus9486
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    TheVaneja • 21h ago NTA stop speaking with them and don't contribute anything. They use you, they don't care about you.
    via TheVaneja
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    C21h ago Edited 16h ago • NTA • DON'T let your brothers or mother guilt you into destroying everything you've created for yourself. Tell them that they were her beloved children. They need to step up and take care of her. She showered love on them and poison on you.
    via Character-Tennis-241

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family drama drama care sibling rivalry siblings moms reddit story family feud mommy entitled people karma old age aging entitled family sibling reddit thread Reddit mom entitled people
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