Dad of 2-year-old and 1-year-old babysits while wife is at work, complains he's 'more of a mom' than her: 'he's not being mom, he's being a parent'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Dec 1, 2024 6:00 PM EST

There is an unfortunate phenomenon of men who become dads and then are surprised to learn that this actually involves them doing parenting. It is no secret that raising kids is a lot of work, but there are some parents out there who expect much of that work to fall on somebody else. 

Unsurprisingly, this can cause many arguments amongst those who share young families. This is something that one mom of two toddlers has found herself dealing with after recently starting a new job after being laid off. On the days both she and her husband work, their kids have babysitters, and when only one parent is working, the other looks after the kids. 

This has led her husband to complain that he is "more of a mom" than her, something which she disagrees with. Asking the internet for advice on how to handle the situation, people didn't hold back. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10434689792
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    How do I tell my (27f) husband (27m) that he is not "more of a mom" than me?
    via CatSonic12
  • 03
    Husband claims to be "more of a mom" Me (27F) and my spouse (27M) have 2 kids, both boys, 1 and 2.5. I just barely returned to work 6 weeks ago after being laid off and unemployed for 10 months. I work M-F, 9-5. He works Monday, Tuesday, Friday- Sunday, and then Wednesday Thursday the following week, and it just alternates. He works 6am-6:30pm. On the days we both work, kids are at a babysitters, I drop off and pick up. On the days I work and he doesn't, he is home with them, and vice-versa for
    via CatSonic12
  • 04
    This morning, my husband said to me "I now watch the kids more than you. I'm more of a mom than you are." I was shocked that he said that. In the 10 months I was a SAHM and not working, I never once threw in his face that I was the primary caretaker or that I was any better than him. But he has this huge issue with being a parent alone.
    via CatSonic12
  • 05
    It's very very frustrating. Whenever he is alone with the kids, he says he's "Mom for the day", as if him watching his OWN KIDS is not just being a father or a parent. But he sees it as he is being a "mom", a better one at that according to him, when he doesn't have me to help do it with him. I don't know what to say to him or how to explain that he's not "being mom" he's being a parent without him freaking out on me. He can't afford to keep me at home so I had to get a job, and I never throw it
    via CatSonic12
  • 06
    I'm rambling but i'm frustrated as h I. Any advice?? How can I kindly tell him he's just being a parent and not doing "mom" things? We both are responsible to take care of them and provide for them. Just because he now does it more often than me, doesn't make him "more of a mom".
    via CatSonic12
  • 07
    bdayqueen I'd tell him that it's tragic that he views taking care of the children as a "MOM" thing when you always thought it was a "mom AND dad" thing.
    via bdayqueen
  • 08
    Agitated-Nail-8414 He obviously thinks that Dad responsibilities should be less taxing and easier/fun only.
    via Agitated-Nail-8414
  • 09
    RickRussellTX Yep. This is resentment rearing its ugly head. "I shouldn't have to do all this sh, it's a MOM thing."
    via RickRussellTX
  • 10
    Happy Michigan OP: Yes, he's complaining about all the work. Tell him he's out of date to say "it's a mom thing." It's a parent thing. Call him on it, and say "I hear you complaining again. This is what parents do, they take care of their children." You have the right to respond back. Then maybe he'll stop saying that. Don't be intimidated by him.
    via Happy_Michigan
  • 11
    UnfortunateJones Seriously f that. As a guy the fact that we get out of all the parenting tasks is that bulls Co-parenting should be the goal, with duties split appropriately. I wonder who was doing the chores during the whole "carrying a baby" phase?
    via UnfortunateJones
  • 12
    10000nails Saw someone recently say "Stop acting surprised by how much work it is to be a parent. You knew what this, so stop about it." OP, you need to smile and say "You're doing great, I'm really happy to see you being a part of their life like this. I know it's tough somedays, but I learned how to manage [task he's about] like this...." or "This is so good for the child, they'll remember how much their daddy loved them where they're older. I'm glad we get to share in the parenting journey to
    via 10000nails
  • 13
    madgeystardust But yet (traditionally) his DAD job of putting food on the table alone - he's unable to do. If OP said she was more of a man than him because she works more hours, I'd bet dollars to donuts he'd be upset.
    via madgeystardust
  • 14
    HezzeroftheWezzer "So what were you before? Less of a father?"
    via HezzeroftheWezzer
  • 15
    pineboxwaiting Maybe just say, "That must mean I'm more of a dad than you are! What's for supper?"
    via pineboxwaiting
  • 16
    Aggressive_Cup8452 You said it already: "He can't afford to keep me at home so I had to get a job, and I never throw it in his face that "he doesn't make enough so i have to work and he has to also parent"." Stop considering his feelings. He's not considering yours. You can mince words or be harsh about it. It's stops real quick.
    via Aggressive_Cup8452
  • 17
    gcot802 The petty part of me wants you to say "guess I'm the man of the house now!" And request be open a beer for you while you watch TV. Or "is this your way of coming out to me?" The healthier part says you need to have a sit down conversation "[husband] you and I became parents at the same time. I was not born knowing how to be a parent, just like you weren't. I know that our new arrangement is different than our previous arrangement, but it concerns me that you seem to think that caring for
    via gcot802
  • 18
    Ok_Nothing_9733 Imagine a man thinking that doing 51%+ of the parenting work is remarkable or notable in any way given the historical context... it would be laughable if not so infuriating.
    via Ok_Nothing_9733
  • 19
    sprknsprnkl When men think being a dad doesn't mean equally responsible for the kids. He's literally being a DAD and claiming your "mom" role to be petty. Me thinks someone's salty about being required to actually parent.
    via sprknsprnkl
  • 20
    ravenlit I would just give him an incredulous look and say "um no, you're a parent just like me" or "well does that make me the dad then?" And then absolutely nothing else. Don't engage with that nonsense. Go right on about your day and don't give him credit for doing more than his fair share. Because that's what he's doing, his fair share as a parent. And don't explain yourself. He's a big boy he can figure it out himself.
    via ravenlit
  • 21
    Anonymoosehead123 It's concerning that you're afraid of discussing this with him because he'll "freak out on you." The issue you're having is big, but the fact that you're hesitant to speak to him is huge. I honestly think you guys need marriage counseling.
    via Anonymoosehead123
  • 22
    woolencadaver I'd vary it. At first I would say, "well, after the 10 months solid I put in, you have plenty of catching up to do!" "Sorry that you're being forced to parent" "Parenting is not a competition and if it was, I am two pregnancies ahead of you" "Where's my dinner woman", and some such sexist garbage. He will react how he reacts but eventually he will have to get it into his head that parenting is a team effort.
    via woolencadaver
  • 23
    edgeteen is he also the kind of person that thinks looking after his kids is babysitting and doing housework in his house is "helping out"? screams to me that he has outdated views of raising children and overall gender roles
    via edgeteen
  • 24
    Key-Signature-5211 You can't be momming more than me because you are currently being a whiney toddler.
    via Key-Signature-5211
  • 25
    FiddleStyxxxx Laugh. He's a parent and he's stuck with his own life choices. I'm glad you can work and aren't tied to this man as a SAHM. Let him insult you if he wishes and stop pretending he cares about you. This relationship will come to a natural end as you stop babying him and his whims. Some comebacks- •You'll be a single father if you don't show me respect • I'm not attracted to women so I can see where this leads If he says anything like that again I'd turn around and walk right back out
    via FiddleStyxxxx
  • 26
    CatSonic 12 OP Update: When he said this to me, it was as I was leaving for work and helping get the kids settled for breakfast so in the moment, I said "Don't ever say that to me again". I was not going to start with negative energy in front of my kids. I posted this while at work and have thought LONG AND HARD about what to say. When I got home, kids were awake and I didn't want to start then. I acted fine and didn't say anything, again because the kids were there. He just went to the store an
    via CatSonic12
  • 27
    I'm going to ask him why he thinks it's okay to say something like that to me, especially in front of the kids? His responsibility as a parent started the second the first child was born. He is not just dad, he is also a parent. Just because he was raised in a house where his mom didn't work and his dad worked long house like he did, doesn't mean that works for us. If he wants to use the terms "mom" and "dad" to define parent duties, then he needs to pull his weight and let me be the mom and he
    via CatSonic12
  • 28
    -His parents were exactly the way he has expected us to be. His mom stayed home and his dad worked and then came home and drank and watched tv. He has stated in the past he does not want to be like his dad, but that's what he is expecting his role to be. To come home and mom does it all. -Yes, we do have some other issues that may be making this relationship more tricky, but it doesn't matter. We are both PARENTS to the same kids and we do what we have to do to survive. -When I wasn't working, I
    via CatSonic12
  • 29
    I've never insulted him the way he did this morning and it just pushed me over the edge. He is very sexist and i'm aware. Our first kid was not planned, and the second one was, and I knew it wouldn't be good for us. However, I am VERY grateful for my kids and they boys they are becoming and even if I knew then the kind of "man" he'd turn into, i'd do it all over again because my kids are my world and I am forever grateful for them.
    via CatSonic12

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