Pregnant Woman's Lazy Husband Buys Her an Electic Massager to Avoid Putting in Effort in Nightly Unwinding Ritual, Marital Tensions Worsen Beyod Muscle Aches: 'We can bond in other ways'

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Dec 5, 2024 5:00 PM EST

Welcome, tea-spilling sisters. According to Gary Chapman's 'love language' theory, there are five different ways that people in relationships express and experience love: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. Most people tend to prefer one over the others. Figuring out your own love language can help you communicate what you need in order to feel loved, and knowing the preferred love languages of your partners, friends, and family can help you make them feel appreciated, too. 

In our story today, a man, tired of giving his pregnant wife nightly massages, buys her an electric massager. Thinking he has somehow "beat the system," he presents her with the gift and is surprised when she reacts negatively. After posting on the internet, he comes to realize that it was never about the massage. To put it in 'love languages' terms, his wife just enjoyed the quality time together and receiving an act of service; buying a machine to do the work made her feel unloved. Get all the details by scrolling down. 

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  • 01
    “I bought a foot massager for my wife as a holiday present for Black Friday, and she got extremely upset when I gave it to her. She cried and said I was turning my back on her."
    via pixelshot
  • 02
    r/AITAH u/throwraoiu215 • 1d My pregnant wife had an outsized reaction over a gift I meant for her. AITAH for using it myself instead?
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 03
    My wife is in her second trimester. She asks for foot massages daily after I come home from work while we watch her favourite show together. She really likes spending our time that way but it's starting to wear me out. I also want to do something to unwind after work because I know this won't be forever and baby will take most of our energies when she comes.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 04
    So this time I bought a foot massager for my wife as a holiday present for Black Friday and she got extremely upset when I gave it to her. She cried and said I was turning my back on her and she'd rather appreciate I work to make her body feel good rather than some machine. I could tell that she felt that me massaging her after work while she curls up on the couch to watch TV makes her feel closer to me, and when I tried validating her feelings, I also said that we can bond in other ways that do
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 05
    She wasn't having it and kept arguing and chasing me around when I tried to get away from her constant chiding. She started hyperventilating and crying, but it didn't seem genuine to me and I was also mad at her for outright assuming bad intentions when there was really just good intent and meaning behind my gift.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 06
    At some point it felt like her reaction was more about wanting to punish me rather than a genuine expression of her feelings.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 07
    I told her I am taking space until she calms down and gets a hold of herself, and that I won't prefer to have a conversation in the state she was currently in when she probably won't think twice before hurting me with her words. This seemed to have the opposite effect and she got even more angry before I closed the door on her from our guest room.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 08
    The next day she just is treating me with silence. I didn't feel like "earning" her attention was even worth it because even though she's doing the lion's share of effort in expanding our family I matter too.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 09
    So I hooked up the machine, curled up on the couch with my favourite show and began using the massager myself. Maybe I was being petty but I wanted to show her that if she can't appreciate my thought behind a gift for her, I'll still keep on valuing myself. She just looked so shocked.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 10
    I wanted to show her that my sense of self worth is not solely tied to my her acceptance of those gestures. I consider myself a strong willed person, and refuse to let her rejection undermine my own confidence in my decisions. I no longer felt comfortable with abandoning my needs to meet hers and wanted to prioritise myself.
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 11
    It was more about reclaiming things than anything. In my POV, her reaction really crossed the line and I refuse to let her emotional outbursts dictate my actions. And by not consoling her I didn't want to send the message that I'm rewarding behaviours I perceive as excessive or manipulative. 1,849 2,047 D
    via u/throwraoiu215
  • 12
    canadagooses62 • 1d Yeah, this is tough. Because you aren't wrong for lots of reasons: you're not wrong for wanting to be able to relax after work, you're not wrong for buying her something that will actually do the thing she has made you think that she wants, and you're not wrong for being confused about all of this.
    via u/canadagooses62
  • 13
    In my expert opinion as Just Some Guy, it wasn't really about the foot massages at all. It might have been about you tending to her and being a part of the whole pregnancy experience. Because as men, there isn't a WHOLE lot we can do to alleviate any of it, especially at this point.
    via u/canadagooses62
  • 14
    So ask yourself: "am I being attentive?" It may just be that she just wants your attention and involvement. Were these massages the biggest thing you do for her during this time?
    via u/canadagooses62
  • 15
    I'm not accusing and I certainly don't know anything about you. But take a look at how you have been interacting with her. Reply 5 6.1k
    via u/canadagooses62
  • 16
    haleyhop 16h • agreed. NTA for the gift, but by the sounds of it it wasn't "i know you like foot massages, this is for times i can't do it," but more like "this is so i don't have to do it because it makes me feel 'drained."" she's carrying a child inside of her 24/7 that's wrecking havoc on your body and you feel like giving her a foot massage is too tiring? i understand why she's upset. the yelling isn't cool, and if that's a regular occurrence then yeah she needs serious help with anger manag
    via u/haleyhop
  • 17
    berripluscream • 1d . "A little effort goes a long way" is so extremely relevant in pregnancy. I just entered my second trimester, and my husband has been helping me wash my hair, keeping on top of how much water I drink, and is absolutely spoiling me when it comes to cravings. He doesn't even think it's doing much, he's just the kind of guy that does little things like that, but it's definitely resulted in grateful crying jags and me just falling in love with him even more. Be attentive! Be tho
    via u/berripluscream
  • 18
    rem 1984. 1d Good comment. Like dude does need some time to unwind after work, he should advocate for that. But does it mean no foot massage later? Or maybe another act of care when he's too worn out to rub her feet Д 61
    via u/rem_1984
  • 19
    Ok_Village_7800 • 1d Your decisions weren't of ill intent and they can make sense when logically broken down. But love and affection isn't rooted in logic, it's rooted in emotion.
    via u/Ok_Village_7800
  • 20
    In her mind you outsourced caring for her. her love language right now is that she FEELS the most loved and the most affection when your hands and time are caring for her by massaging her feet. Gifts purchased to replace that connection won't translate as an act of love to her right now; even if they were bought with good / logical intentions.
    via u/Ok_Village_7800
  • 21
    It's like when a man feels immense love and happiness in his chest whenever he comes home to discover his wife cooked him his favorite meal for dinner; only for her to one day decide she is not going for him cook anymore.... From now on she will buy a bunch of frozen tv dinners that he can pop in the microwave himself going forward.
    via u/Ok_Village_7800
  • 22
    Logically, she is still getting dinner in him so it's no big deal right? .. nope. The man who FELT LOVED by the effort from his wife to cook for him will see the change as big deal. It doesn't mean his wife doesn't love him, but one of the ways he truly felt the love internally in his body just got taken away from him and that s ks. Reply 696
    via u/Ok_Village_7800
  • 23
    Yup. ladyclubs. 1d His gift wasn't for her. His gift was for him. Now he doesn't have to give foot massages, and she gets a less quality (physical and emotional) version of a foot rub. 2550
    via u/ladyclubs
  • 24
    lamettler • 1d FYI... never in the history of mankind will telling a woman to "calm down" have the effect you seem to desire. Triply so if she is pregnant. And no, it doesn't matter why. ... Reply 1.3k
    via u/lamettler
  • 25
    Whosedev. 1d Why is your first assumption that she is faking her reaction? I hope this type of marriage never finds me. Reply 130
    via u/Whosedev
  • 26
    deathbychips2 • 1d How long are these messages that they are "so draining" and take up so much time to where you apparently have no other time to wine down. ← Reply 167
    via u/deathbychips2

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marriage lazy spouse wife reddit story marriage-drama relationships husband couples self care love massage reddit thread red flag Reddit married healthy relationship pregnant
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