Man refuses to give girlfriend access to smart thermostat, issue comes to a head after she spends a freezing night alone in her own home: "It feels like negative 16 degrees!"

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Jan 29, 2025 4:00 PM EST

It really isn't all that important to have the same hobbies, interests, or preferences as your partner. Sure, it can make deciding on date nights super simple and can ensure you have something to chat about, but it is way, way more crucial to foster the ability to compromise. My fiancé is a sushi-lover through and through, but my eating out vibe will always be a burger. Most of the time, one of us indulges each other's cravings, but when we're both set in our ways, we've found a mediocre burger joint and a so-so sushi restaurant that sort of unofficially share an outside seating area that allows us to eat together while enjoying different meals.
In our story today, a couple cannot reach a point of compromise regarding the temperature of their home. This is largely in part because the boyfriend in question refuses to relinquish full control of the smart thermostat. While this was of little consequence in the summer when both parties preferred to keep a cool environment, nights spent shivering in her own home eventually drove our protagonist to question the relationship. Get all the details down below!

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  • 01

    My boyfriend won't give access smart thermostat

    SetT Wake Set Schedule CO Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri 68 Heat SET HOLD LEUN "Having to ask it makes me feel like we have a parent-child relationship." Auto On Cool Off Heat
    via fluxfoto

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    I moved in with my boyfriend in march. We split the utilities 50/50 before anyone incorrectly assumes he has the right to control the temperature because he is paying for it. He has OCD and is very particular about things and thinks that the way he likes stuff
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 03
    is the only way (for instance the TV volume, in his mind it should only be at a few different numbers. If you can't hear or it's too loud it's a you problem). He has this mindset with the temperature of our
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 04
    heating and cooling systems as well. In the summer I didn't mind because I didn't want it to be quite as cool as him anyways but now in the winter I'm finding he prefers it to be way too cold. He is currently out of town as well.
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 05
    We live in the Midwest and are experiencing an awful cold front right now. Temperature "feels like negative 16 degrees." Before he left town I asked him to find a way to give me access to the smart thermostat so that I could change the temperature of if I needed to without bothering him while I was
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 06
    gone. I have asked him to do this before and he's always made an excuse or said it wasn't possible or just told me that it wasn't necessary because if I want to have it adjusted all I need to do is ask and he will oblige. He actually does oblige when I ask but I hate having to ask it makes me feel like we have a parent child relationship.
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 07
    74
    via Silas Bubolu

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 08
    But anyways he is working out of town this week like I mentioned earlier. Currently he has the thermostat arranged so that the time I always leave for work in the evening (I work nights) the home goes into eco mode and the heat shuts off. Last night I got sick at work and needed to come home and it was in the
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 09
    50s inside the house. I called my boyfriend several times to ask him to turn it back on but he was asleep and never responded. I ended up creating a blanket fort to try and get warm. It was especially miserable since I'm dealing with cold and flu symptoms.
    via u/PitifulFruit2097

  • As someone who is very sensitive to the cold and may have been a reptile in a past life, this is my absolute worst nightmare situation.

  • 10
    Cheezburger Image 10461141248
    via visualspace

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 11
    Well when my boyfriend woke up this morning he was very apologetic but still refuses to give me access to the smart thermostat, saying he will just find a way to have the heat automatically come on
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 12
    when my phone connects to the WiFi. He said that function was on weeks ago so I don't believe him. What should I do? He is not a controlling person with the big things but things like this are starting to wear on me!
    via u/PitifulFruit2097
  • 13
    Rozzieozz I'd refuse to pay the bill until I get equal access.
    via u/Rozzieozz

  • Why do I feel like her boyfriend would gladly cover the AC bills in order to keep his reign over the thermostat?

  • 14
    wendy-lou-who19 Exactly this!!! 50/50 bills = 50/50 access. All equal.
    via u/wendy-lou-who19
  • 15
    notaprogrammer You're actually wrong - it shouldn't matter how much of the bill she's paying. In a healthy relationship, all partners are equal. Even if one. partner is a CEO and the other doesn't work, you treat each other equally.
    via u/notaprogrammer
  • 16
    scrunchie_one It's not even about paying - you live together as partners, if my partner is stay at home parent that doesn't mean they get no say in decisions impacting their home.
    via u/scrunchie_one
  • 17
    Life-Meal6635 I would leave the situation entirely. This is absurd.
    via u/Life-Meal6635
  • 18
    Pitiful_Fruit2097 OP This isn't a bad idea
    via u/Pitiful_Fruit2097
  • 19
    kissiemoose Your BF needs to treat his OCD rather than expect you to work around it. The world does not work that way and he needs to learn flexibility and not let his OCD control him or his symptoms will only get worse.
    via u/kissiemoose
  • 20
    ColdSmashed Potatoes4 Yeah, but in the meantime, get some ice, a container and some tape... make an ice hammock out of the tape and container, with the ice in the open top container, and place it directly under the thermostat. Quick way to warm the place up.
    via u/ColdSmashedPotatoes
  • 21
    Jackie Rogers34810 Do you have a limit on toilet paper squares a day?
    via u/JackieRogers34810
  • 22
    Big-Challenge-1652 Get a plug in space heater Think long term. Are you ok living like this forever? Are you hoping to have children one day? If so will you be ok with these living conditions for them?
    via u/Big-Challenge-1652
  • 23
    DoNot Need Inspiration This is probably the most practical response. Even if OP can reset it, she will need re-register it, which I am sure would make the boyfriend unhappy.
    via u/DoNotNeedInspiration
  • 24
    The most practical advise is don't live like this, have a conversation with BF, this really should be a deal breaker, it's way too controlling over a very small issue, bigger ones will be coming.
    via u/DoNotNeedInspiration
  • 25
    wstr97gal This. It's exactly what I was thinking. This won't be the only thing that's like this. What happens if you have children? Do you want to be stuck not having a voice about things that are truly important to you? Being able to keep yourself warm when you are on your own shouldn't be a big ask. I'd really think about this.
    via u/wstr97gal
  • 26
    Ok_Twist_1687 Space heaters are prohibitively expensive in cold climates. Save the money and energy, get a new bf. One that respects you.
    via u/Ok_Twist_1687
  • 27
    Ruthless_Bunny Use this opportunity to pack up and move out. You count as much as he does and you get to have a say in your own home!
    via u/Ruthless_Bunny
  • 28
    And having OCD doesn't excuse behavior. Tell him, "You aren't the only person whose comfort matters. I pay rent and utilities too and I need to have access to everything. Volume, temperature, and any other thing I want." But me? He'd come back to an apartment as cold and lonely as they way he treats you
    via u/Ruthless_Bunny

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boyfriend thermostat cozy reddit story relationships girlfriend couples love entitled winter boundaries ocd reddit thread red flag Reddit relationship drama dating
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