Woman's boyfriend reconnects with old flame, woman expresses her concern, boyfriend doesn't respect her boundaries: 'I’m upset because he overrides our promises'

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Feb 16, 2025 8:00 PM EST

It goes without saying that in order to make a relationship work, you have to have a sturdy basis of trust. Most people enter a relationship with a certain level of trust based on their past relationships, and it's their job to build from there. Some people need more reassurance than others, and that's okay. It all depends on the two people in a relationship to figure out if it's worth it to quell their partner's insecurities or to move on and find a better match.

One of the trickiest moments in a relationship is when an old flame of a partner comes back into the picture. Whether it's a tumultuous ex or just someone they used to have a crush on, it is never easy to swallow your pride and let bygones be bygones. If your partner reassures you that you have nothing to worry about, you have no choice but to believe them, but if you still get a sinking feeling when that person comes around, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. One girl came to this crossroads when she had to go to a wedding where her boyfriend's ex was supposed to attend. Was she right to be worried, or should she just forget about it? 

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    "AITA for being mad at my boyfriend for talking to a fling he had and now wants to be friends?"

    Quick story- So my BF (30M) and I (28F) have been living together for the past 1 year. During our early days of dating he very vaguely mentioned a fling he had with his college mate when they went on a trip. I remember him telling me
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    trip. I remember him telling me that she ghosted him afterwards and was and he felt so insecure. Now me being the loving girlfriend, I ignored everything about her actual personality and I obviously don't like her. So few months into us living together, I come across some basic texts being exchanged between them.
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    Not anything to worry about but just pleasantaries. I was obviously uncomfortable and I told him clearly that I don't like him being in touch with her. And he immediately understood and said he will not text her.
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    2-3 months later I again see msgs. I asked him why? He said 'why can't I be in touch with her when we both don't have feelings? We're just good friends now'. I did not like this and we ended having an argument. So the argument has not been solved after 7-8 months.
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    I feel like he went against a rule we both made TWICE and he feels it's okay to do so, without consulting with me about how I feel. Idk if it's coming from a place of insecurity but I obviously don't want him to stay in touch.
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    10 days ago we went to his friend's wedding where she was also invited. While I told myself that maybe it's just friendship, I expected my boyfriend to maintain some healthy boundaries (not hugging/ getting too close). He did
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    hugging/ getting too close). He did not do that. I felt slightly ignored during the wedding because I saw him chill with her+ couple of other friends, and I wasn't introduced as his girlfriend and had to sit in a corner and wait for him to get free.
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    Now that we're back from the wedding, I see them video calling which I'm obviously not comfortable with. I'm scared to get this up because I feel he's gonna do what he likes. I'm upset because he overrides our promises. Now AITA for wanting him to stop talking to her and put and end or should I actually look at their friendship and let it be?
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    People gave mixed support in the comments.

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    It sounds like you both are not compatible. It's probably less painful to consider a split at this point - or begin thinking about it.
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    You need to trust your gut here. Is this a serious man, meaning is he serious about planning a future with you? Have you discussed it? I ask because if you really want to know the problem here, I think you are a placeholder for him while he waits to see if there is something better.
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    SO MANY women find themselves in this situation. If he does not have any plans to propose, talk about marrying you specifically, after living. together for a year, then what are we doing here except wasting your time?
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    Don't be so afraid of losing him that you forget HE should be afraid of losing YOU. You are the prize here, not him. You are the main character in your own life, not him. He should be prioritizing you as the most important person in his life at this point, not leaving you sitting alone at a table so he can go talk with his ex GF. Now he's messaging and FT with her.
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    Nope. No way. We teach people how to treat us by how much insult and disrespect we are willing to tolerate. And men do not value a woman who is too easily caught and kept. He actually doesn't even like it.
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    Ultimatums, famously helpful tools.

    I suggest you tell him no more, it is her or you. If he picks her, it will be awful, but you will have your answer and freedom to go find a man who will not waste your time. You do not get this time back.
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    It's as simple as that.

    Just pack your stuff and go, then he'll realise he's lost a lovely girl for someone that just wants attention. He doesn't care about you and he's shown you that numerous times, respect yourself
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    You're not overreacting. You've set boundaries, and he's breaking them. He's acting like it's no big deal, but you're the one in the relationship with him, and your comfort should matter. I get that he may think it's just a friendship, but if he truly cares about you, he should respect what you've said and stop crossing those lines.
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    YTA for staying with him, he wont change and has proven to you multiple times he doesnt care what you think or feel. If he did he would have cut it out already. All roads point to him being a partner and probably looking to rekindle the relationship with the fling. He is showing. you who he is and how he feels about you with his actions, please believe him!!!!!
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    NTA. He didn't introduce you as his girlfriend at a wedding while ignoring you? Then starts video calling a girl he was devastated by and trying to connect with her? Yeah. You're not overreacting here.
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    Why does no one on reddit have a back bone. II I'm not comfortable you talking to somsone you have f ed, you either respect that or we are over" no negotiations no, ifs, buts maybes, he either wants a friendship with her or a future with you he can't have both.
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    So stop sitting there and waiting around and tell him now. If he moans about them being just friends ask him would he be okay with you talking to somsone you have f_______ed? He either blocks her or the relationship done
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