Dad requests paternity test when 3-week-old daughter has darker hair than him, doesn't understand when wife gets offended: 'She'd still be my girl'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Feb 22, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Emotions always run high when a baby is born, and not always in a good way. There are few other things that a person can do to change their life so radically, and it can leave them with some thoughts and feelings that they weren't expecting. This is common with new moms and the mental health struggles that can come from the hormonal and circumstantial changes of being pregnant and giving birth, but it also applies to other family members as well. 

For a postpartum mom, how the baby's father acts can be a crucial part of whether they feel supported with the baby. It's not exactly groundbreaking to say that sometimes, dads can behave in ways that place more stress on an already stressful time. Having children is a test of a relationship in more ways than one, and never more so than the first couple of months after birth.

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    Cheezburger Image 10470875648
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is something that one new mom found herself up against after her husband requested a paternity test. Reasoning that the baby had darker hair than the both of them and that this meant he wanted to be certain, his wife was greatly offended at his suggestion and stopped speaking to him. However, she wasn't sure if she was overreacting.

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    AITAH if I'm upset that my husband mentioned getting a paternity test?

    My (31F) husband (32M) just mentioned that he's keen on getting a paternity test for our 3 week old baby girl. His reasoning is that our daughter has darker hair than him (he has brown hair, I'm white blonde). I'm a little confused as she hardly has any bloody hair and this just feels like he's accusing me of infidelity!!! I actually thought he was joking initially. The conversation went as follows:
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    He said, "her hair is really dark". So I said, "yeah, it is" even though it isn't darker than his. He then mentioned getting the test...it was completely out of the blue. I initially said that he should go for it as I wasn't thinking. But, now I've had some time to reflect, I'm really not happy about it. If he wants to get the test, fine by me BUT, it just feels like he doesn't trust me? Am I overthinking this?! He has no reason to think like this.
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    He even went as far as to say, "if she wasn't mine biologically, she'd still be my girl"... That statement just pissed me off and I've said nothing to him since. So, AITAH?
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    Other people understood her reaction, with some wondering if her husband's suggestion was projection.

    Professional-Tie4009 When our second child looked vastly different from our first, my husband doubted the hospital staff. He insisted for weeks that the hospital switched our baby with someone else's. He never once accused me of cheating. I am only saying this to show how that's where his mind is and the doubting of looks doesn't cause someone to automatically jump to cheating conclusions.
    via Professional-Tie4009
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    Traditional Rice_421 These men need to go to a baby developmental class already. It's embarrassing that they don't know that babies can be born with dark hair, lose all of it, have it grow back in blonde, and that babies eyes also change color within the first year. Like SO MUCH IS HAPPENING. It's appalling that they don't know these basic things because it just really shows that they haven't even taken a basic parenting class or new born infant care class either.
    via Traditional_Rice_421
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    Full_Pace7666 "this just feels like he's accusing me of infidelity!" That's because he is. EDIT: If he believed the baby was switched at birth, he'd use his fucking words and say that.
    via Full_Pace7666
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    ThrowRA_lbf OP Which is what annoys me the most. 18 months ago I quit my job and moved to a different country for him to further his career. I've given him a second beautiful girl. And he says this crap.
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    cthulularoo Check his phone and email. Theres a chance he's projecting.
    via cthulularoo
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    boohooluluu This. EDIT: ESPECIALLY because he says "even if she isn't biologically mine she'd still be my girl" - this gives it away for me
    via boohooluluu
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    MsTerious1 My first husband did this to me in 1990-91, regarding our third child. At the time, it would've cost over $700 in 1990 dollars because DNA tests were a specialty thing for court cases usually. I told him to piss off. Fast forward: I hadn't cheated, but he had been cheating pretty regularly, apparently, according to the phone calls I got from other women insisting that they would only stop calling my home if HE told them to.
    via MsTerious1
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    I agree with taking an impromptu look at his text messages and emails... whether he agrees or not. If he doesn't agree "right now," leave him. Don't give him a second chance so that he'll agree only after he's deleted all incriminating evidence. If you really want to, you can go look at the cell phone bills to find any unfamiliar phone numbers and start reverse searching them or do internet searches to find out who they belong to. Sometimes you can put the phone number into Facebook search, too,
    via MsTerious1
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    tired-and-cranky My husband has dark brown hair. I have dirty blonde hair that is being overtaken by silver. My oldest child has dirty blonde hair that is lighter than mine. By your husband's logic, I should request a maternity test.
    via tired-and-cranky
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    No_Beginning_8275 There are much deeper issues going on in your marriage. One doesn't just casually "ask for a paternity test" unless there is something deeper going on.
    via No_Beginning_8275
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    Silveerivy NTA. His suggestion implies a lack of trust, and his "if she wasn't mine" comment is insensitive. It's like he's already preparing for the possibility she's not his. It's good you're considering counseling.
    via Silveerivy
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    Madwife2009 NTA. Your husband is though. All of my children were born with loads of jet black hair. Neither their father or I have black hair. Two of my children now have light brown hair, two are blonde. There's absolutely no doubt at all that my husband is the father of my children as they share very obvious genetic traits. However, if I'd been asked for a paternity test for any of my children, he'd have been shown the door. That's a massive level of distrust.
    via Madwife2009
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    throwaway_6420969 Male opinion. Sounds like a projection, if I'm honest. He shouldn't have any distrust for the mother of his own child, without good reason.
    via throwaway_6420969
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    Starpoodle He is actually accusing you of infidelity. NTA. Does no one in both of your extended families have dark hair? Heredity can be funny. Both myself and hubby are dark brown/black haired. Both of our kids are dark blonds/light bowns. Took after my mother in law.
    via Starpoodle
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    ThrowRA_lbf OP Both of my parents have dark hair, and I have one grandparent who has blonde/white hair. His parents (and sister) have dark hair, so our daughter gets her dark hair from his side.
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    Lagrandehypatia NTA And let me tell you a story from my own family. One of my cousins got married and his wife got pregnant. She gave birth to a healthy little girl. My cousin was ecstatic UNTIL his best friend saw the baby and said "she doesn't look anything like you; she's not yours" or something along these lines (maybe not as directly). My cousin did a U-turn and started accusing his wife of infidelity and demanding a paternity test. He got his paternity test. The baby is his, as expected. N
    via Lagrandehypatia
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    NotAgainHel15 Unless there's any other reason he would think the baby isn't his, this is a really weird request. If it's based on nothing but her hair colour, especially so early, he's being really strange and definitely doesn't trust you.
    via NotAgainHel15
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    Ok-Presentation9740 Ask him to go through his phone if he wants a test. If hes suspecting you of cheating off hair color of a new born he probably has skeletons in his closet. NTA
    via Ok_Presentation9740
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    The mom took the points from all the commenters on board.

    Update 1: Thanks for all the comments and advice. There seems to be some common responses, so I thought I'd just reply to them here... I'm more than happy for him to get the test but, as most have mentioned, that would confirm his lack of trust in me, his wife, and I don't think I could overlook that. I think I'll seek some counselling to discuss this issue further (I'll be inviting him to join me!!). Some mentioned that our daughter might have been swapped at birth and the test would benefit us
    via ThrowRA_lbf
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    Most people mentioned projection on his part. I must admit I hadn't thought about this! I'm almost certain that this isn't the case but, I will discuss my fears/concerns with him as this is now at the forefront of my mind! I will update accordingly. Thank you all!
    via ThrowRA_lbf

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aita marriage baby paternity wife relationships husband dad reddit thread daughter Reddit mom paternity test
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