Man blames pregnant wife's hormones for her intuitive feeling over his relationship with a coworker, private messages on Instagram prove she was right all along: "The phone became the bane of my existence"

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    AITHA for wanting a divorce after my husband gaslit me into believing him flirting with a coworker was okay because I was "just hormonal"

    "The private chats on Instagram highly inappropriate for married man.' were
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    I'm a 30y f married to my 34y m for over six years. We have two beautiful children, a three-year-old and an eight-month-old. We've been together for over 10 years, and our relationship has been amazing from the beginning.
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    About a year ago (I was approximately 6 months pregnant), I noticed my husband paying more attention to his phone whenever he came home from work. So, one night during dinner when his phone kept dinging, I asked him about it. I asked, "Who has your attention lately?"
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    It was a female coworker who had just transferred to his department, along with a good colleague of his in this group chat. I had never heard of this female coworker, so I tried to play it off as my husband being nice to a new colleague.
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    Days went by, and that phone became the bane of my existence. It constantly dinged and I was fighting for his attention whenever he got home from work. I had enough. So, one night while he was showering, I went through his phone.
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    Cheezburger Image 10472374528
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    And there it was, the group chat, along with instagram messages of just my husband and his female coworker teasing each other about work.
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    I confronted my husband immediately and confessed that I had indeed gone through his phone. I was certainly embarrassed, as this was a first for me, but I explained that I had a hunch
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    something wasn't right and needed to see it for myself. I pointed out that the group chat was quite unusual, but the private chats on Instagram were highly inappropriate for a married man. I simply
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    requested that he refrain from having private chats with her, but I was comfortable with the group chat. He agreed and apologized for making me feel that way.
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    A few months later ( I am approximately 8 months pregnant), as we were returning home from a summer vacation, my son's iPad began dinging repeatedly in the backseat of my car. Unbeknownst
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    to me, my husband had inadvertently connected his iCloud to our son's iPad. Suddenly, there she was, repeatedly appearing on the iPad, sending texts after texts. And this time, there were even pictures... I was at my wit's end. I confronted my husband with such rage, anger and distrust.
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    His reasoning was, "You're just feeling hormonal right now. This isn't you. You're not the jealous, insecure type. Once you're no longer pregnant, you should get to know her, have a drink with her, and you'll like her."
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    Using my own hormones and emotions against me, at 8 months pregnant, I unfortunately caved and believed him and left it at that.
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    Shortly after welcoming our newborn baby and adjusting to our new family of four, we experienced pure bliss. However, our blissful state was short- lived as paternity leave ended, and my husband returned to work, along with my husband's female coworker.
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    One evening, after we had tucked the children into bed, I found myself browsing through my husband's phone, admiring pictures of our children. DING it's her...
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    I instantly and without hesitation opened the conversation, and my mouth dropped. It was a conversation where my husband was begging her to work a specialized assignment with just him. The two of them, alone in a car, five days a week. I felt
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    an instant wave of regret. Regret for not listening to my gut months ago and letting him gaslight me into thinking this situation was all in my head because of my "hormones." Now, I want a divorce but my husband is now begging me to "not ruin our family". So Reddit, am I the a hole for breaking apart this family?
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    UPDATE 2/22/25 After reading all these comments and absorbing the advice, I finally realize that I'm not "hormonal" and not the sole reason behind this marriage's failure. So, thank you for validating my feelings all along.
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    As for my husband, I've asked him to leave the house until I've made a decision. Initially, he didn't believe me, but when I took the kids and told him he better not be here when I return with them, he was beside himself. He completely lost it. He's begged me to reconsider, offering to block her, leaving his job, and doing anything else to keep us together.
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    But a few months ago, I politely asked you to stop texting her privately. His response was, "I thought I was just being her friend. I didn't see it the way you did." What upsets me is that he didn't take me
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    seriously back then, but now that I'm packing up our kids and leaving, he suddenly takes me seriously?... We will see what happens when I get home... To be continued...
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    UPDATE #2 2/22/25 PM I returned home from an evening out with my kids, grateful that my husband respected my wishes and wasn't home when we arrived.
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    After putting the kids to bed, I received a text from my husband asking if he could come over and talk so we could resolve our issues without involving the kids. I agreed.
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    As soon as I opened the door, he handed me his phone. On the other line, I heard her, the female coworker. She was saying, "Hello? Hello?" I immediately hung up his phone and demanded to know why he wanted me to talk to her.
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    He claimed they had been discussing all night about how they could convince me that they were nothing more than "just good coworkers." I reminded him that this marriage is between the two of us, not three, and that the only person who needed to address this mess was himself.
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    He insisted that I speak with her and even had the audacity to suggest "getting that drink I told you to get with her a few months back when you were no longer pregnant and crazy." I told him, "Get out and have that drink for me because we are done."
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    It took considerable effort to get him to leave, as he sobbed about leaving his children, but I didn't care. He clearly still wants to gaslight me into believing that this is my issue with her, not his issue with disrespecting our marriage and his "crazy hormonal wife"
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    Starry-Dust4444 It's so disingenuous of your husband to beg you not to divorce him when he was actively pursuing this other woman until you confronted him about his
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    behavior. Had you not gone thru his phone, he'd still be sniffing around that woman & lying to your face every day about it. You should most definitely divorce your husband. He's not worthy enough to be your partner.
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    ProfessOverthinker OP I did ask him this too. I asked him, what would happen if I never saw this conversation? He told me, he'd most likely continue to lie to me about it...
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    Forward-Two3846 He lied and manipulated you in the most vulnerable moment of your life and now he saying YOU are the one ruining the family?!?!??! . You will never be able to trust him again with your vulnerability. Why stay
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    PsychologyAutomatic3 He'll return to the pursuit after OP calms down. He'll just cover his tracks (delete messages, get another phone or only communicate in person with the other woman).
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    merlinshairyb Sorry, where was all this "don't ruin the family" energy when he was lying to you and pursuing a relationship with another woman?? Can he explain that?
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    dolores-mee Funny how that works. He had all the time in the world to make better choices, but only now that OP is done, he suddenly wants to act like a devoted husband and father.
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    Gone Rogue-8919 Why do they always say that? They cheat and when the woman says I'm leaving you, it's always NO DON'T RUIN THE FAMILY, NO DON'T BREAK LIKE NO sir YOU did OUR FAMILY that. It's so agitating.
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    sdogvscat Take screenshots of the text message threads and send them to your phone. Same with the instagram messages. It's a good to give these to your lawyer if you really plan to divorce him.
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    flippysquid And after consulting with an attorney, maybe send them to his HR department at work. Especially if the pictures she was sending were the racy type.
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    ProfessOverthinker OP I'm actually friends with his bosses wife and may have already dropped hints about how I don't like this girl because she is a pick me girl... I've planted the seed!
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    DevilPup55 NTA But he is. Can't tell you what to do, you'll have to figure it out. Having said that, I'd kick him to the curb.
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    Business-Box-253 Leave him. There is NOTHING to save here. He's a master manipulator and you're easily manipulated. Please go into the next one with your guard up and everyone who cares about you guards up.
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    GolfWang123170 You wouldn't be overreacting to leave, it's understandable you don't trust him. If you do leave him, he ruined his own family. He had a chance to redeem himself and make you feel at ease and he blew it.
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    Ladyvett NTA let him beg. In fact show up at his place of employment with some excuse and let her see him fall all over himself begging you. If he ignores you or brushes you off then you know he's gaslighting again. Updateme
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    ProfessOverthinker OP I've actually "met" her before at a work gathering for my husband. He introduced me to everyone at this party, expect her. When I finally saw a picture of this female coworker, I knew I had seen her
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    before and asked him where I had seen her before. He did say, at the work party and when I asked how come you didn't introduce me to her, he replied, you were busy getting to know everyone else....
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    thinksying That's guilty behavior. He knows what he is doing. It might just be an emotional affair, but he isn't oblivious
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    Slinkman13 that's your answer, he doesn't want you to know each other so she won't feel guilty about cheating with him and he can lie to both of you about what his intentions are

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