24-year-old refuses to take in 7-year-old half-sister fathered by late mom's affair partner, extended family protests: 'I just don't want to'

It is a dilemma that hopefully not many people will have to deal with in their lives: when you go no contact with family members, do you still have any responsibility towards them if circumstances change? While there are plenty of ways for these kinds of relationships to change for the worse, sometimes things can develop in a way that makes them better. 

That being said, those who do something as drastic as cut off their family usually have very good reasons for doing so. Placing themselves back in the middle of that situation does not necessarily bode well for anybody involved.

Nonetheless, it is not uncommon for families to try to reconnect after bridges have been burned for all kinds of different reasons. Often, they just want to use their estranged family member for something, and predictably, this can lead to more discord and strife for everybody that is involved.

Author image for Ally Perry Ally Perry
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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

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  • This is something that one 24-year-old man found himself struggling with after his mom and stepdad passed away and his family expected him to take in his 7-year-old half-sister. 

    The man resented his mom as she had been having an affair with his stepdad before his dad passed in an accident when he was 16, and his younger sibling was conceived before then. 

    He moved out and cut contact with them as soon as he became an adult, but following their passing, he was contacted by a social worker asking if he would become her guardian, as she had stayed with several relatives but eventually been placed in foster care.

    He refused, leading members of his family to react angrily to him. He wanted to know if he was in the wrong here.

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    via Drew Hays

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for not saving my mother's child from foster care?

    When I (24m) was 16 my dad di d in an accident. A week later my mother moved another guy in and told me she was pregnant. Within 5 months of her moving him in she was married to this guy and had a daughter with him. I quietly moved out days before my 18th birthday and went no contact with my mother and her husband and kid.
    via FluffSwuss
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    My grandparents, aunts, uncles all had a relationship with them and me but separately. They asked me once or twice if I'd ever be open to reconciling and I said no. I went no contact with one of my aunts two years ago when she invited me over to her place for lunch and then sprung the fact she had my mother's other kid there. My aunt said she wanted to give me a chance to have a relationship away from my mother and I said I didn't want one. She said it didn't include my mother and I told her it
    via FluffSwuss
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    Last November my mother and her husband di d and their daughter went to my grandparents for a couple of weeks. Then she went to a couple of other relatives. But then none wanted to keep her and raise her. This is when they wanted me to step up. I said no a million times and warned I'd go no contact with them if they didn't accept my answer. They ended up placing her in foster care and had the case worker reach out to see if I'd be willing to become her guardian. I explained I wasn't and I turned
    via FluffSwuss
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    My mother's family didn't expect me to keep firm on my decision and they questioned me for weeks before I followed through and went no contact. I was asked how I could live myself, if I didn't feel guilty, was I not worried I was throwing away the chance for a relationship one day. I was honest with them that I didn't care. I didn't want a relationship. They asked if I'd be okay with her being abused in foster care. I said it wasn't something I'd feel guilty about and I said if they were so both
    via FluffSwuss
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    It was quiet for a few weeks following me blocking them everywhere. But then a cousin saw me on a night out with some friends and brought it up and I had to leave because they refused to be ignored. My cousin tried so hard to guilt trip me. The whole family have really. But I don't feel guilty. I could have taken the kid. I have a second bedroom in my small place. I don't make great money but I could've made it work. I just don't want to and the things I said to my aunt before? It's still how I
    via FluffSwuss
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    While it was a difficult situation, outsiders understood his point of view.

    Strange_Depth_5732 I am so uniquely qualified to answer this. Part of my job is tracking down potential guardians for kids in care. It's not unusual at all for half siblings to decline being involved. Often there's trauma they haven't processed and it's unfair for anyone to expect you to jump in and raise another traumatized kid. The social worker will focus on the other family members as permanency options, then explore options in community such as adoption. Don't feel guilty, they know this ki
    via Strange_Depth_5732
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    Funny_Inspector 1138 NTA. Your mother betrayed your father and you by having an affair and getting pregnant while still married. Then she moved the affair partner in ONE WEEK after your dad di d? Absolutely disgusting behavior. You don't owe this child anything. Bld relation doesn't equal obligation. Your family trying to guilt trip you is manipulative as hl. They all refused to step up themselves but expect you to sacrifice your life? Your mental health matters too. Taking in someone you resent
    via Funny_Inspector1138
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    Economy-Cod310 NTA. I will never understand why people think that kids should just accept this kind of sh behavior from parents and be ok with it! The woman was disgusting. She cheated on her dying husband. I despise this kind of behavior. You took vows, try to keep that in mind, and act accordingly.
    via Economy-Cod310
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    CareyAHHH I think the idea is, "she cheated on your dad, not you." But that is never true. Any cheater who has kids, chooses to find time for an affair partner, instead of spending time with their family, including their child. And they disrespect the family by lying and not just getting divorced when they were ready to start an affair. In this case, it was compounded by forcing the affair partner into the life of a grieving child. And disrupting the household with a small child that was proof o
    via CareyAHHH
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    juliena-ran NTA. You're not responsible for a child you never wanted a relationship with. Your family had the chance to step up and didn't― expecting you to isn't fair. You set boundaries, and they ignored them. Don't let guilt-tripping change your decision.
    via juliena-ran
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    FluffSwuss OP That's what I can't understand. None of them could pull together to raise her if that was such a priority for them? But they expected me to knowing how I felt?
    via FluffSwuss
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    _Foolish It's always easier to blame someone else than take responsibility
    via _Foolish_
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    CharacterFuzzys "Sorry, I can't hear your guilt trip over the sound of me living my best life without any toxic family drama."
    via CharacterFuzzys
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    messageinthebox NTA. Why didn't they step up and adopt the child if she is so important to them? Don't be guilted by people who actually abandoned the child themselves. They had every chance to do something, yet every one of them actually failed to be the person that they expected you to be.
    via messageinthebox
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    FluffSwuss OP That was my point to them as well and they had her for a while. But they chose to give her up. They also had a relationship with her and expect one in the future.
    via FluffSwuss
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    facinationstreet if they were so bothered they should take her back and leave me alone. This is all that needs to be said right here. If families on both your mother's and her husband's side are sooooo concerned about the child, one of them would step up. They don't want to and have all decided that their strategy is to manipulate and guilt you into doing it. Apparently, they believe that, because you are (relatively) young, you can be manipulated into doing this. NTA.
    via facinationstreet
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    Mystic_babygirl NTA you've made your feelings clear for years and they should respect your boundaries
    via Mystic_babygirl
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    FluffSwuss OP They had a chance to and I really let it continue way too long before going no contact.
    via FluffSwuss
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    Tipsy-boo NTA If your cousin is so keen on the idea then they can foster her.
    via Tipsy-boo
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    Mkeny78 NTA, you are 24, taking on a 7-8 year old child would mean sacrificing your youth, which is your right to say no to. Do you know why several family members took her in, and then put her back out again? I am guessing she was difficult, either due to her parents' death, bad parenting by your mother and her affair partner, or a combination of both... Yet they expect a 24 yo, childless & single (presumably), guy, a complete stranger to her no less, to be the answer? Even without the fact tha
    via Mkeny78
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    fromhelley ETA: For clarification. My mother had an affair while my dad was alive and they were still married/together when dad di d. She was already pregnant then too and the affair partner was the father. You left out the part about how your mom, instead of letting you grieve, had af move in a week after pops di d. And they didn't care how that made you feel at all, or that you had just lost your father! Nta! You associate the child with the trauma. Pretty normal. Why your family can't see tha
    via fromhelley
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    Samarkand457 I mean, you think that the kid shouldn't even exist. You are the absolute worst choice to raise that child. And you are aware of it. NTA for that.
    via Samarkand457
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    teresajs NTA If all those family members think it's important for this child to be taken care of, they can do it. They're all hypocrites!
    via teresajs
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