Husband applies to graduate school behind wife's back, pressures her to move back to a city where she felt isolated in the past: "We agreed this particular place was not an option"

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    My husband (M 26) got accepted into the one place I (F 25) said I wouldn't move to and wants to go

    "He is free to go without me- I would never stand in his way."
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    My husband applied to several graduate programs, but due to recent political and economic factors, many schools are reducing their admissions. So far, he has been rejected from two schools and
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    accepted into one, and we are still waiting to hear back from about eight more. Understandably, as doubt starts to creep in, he's leaning heavily toward attending the one program that has accepted him.
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    The challenge is that this school is in a place where we previously lived for a year while he finished his undergrad-a place that I truly struggled with. It's isolated, with little to do, and far from both family and friends. I felt incredibly lonely there, and when
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    Cheezburger Image 10476358400
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    he had the opportunity to leave for summer research, I ultimately couldn't bear to stay any longer, so we ended our lease early, and I moved back home until he finished. Since then, we've
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    spent the last three years in Southern California, and while our current city isn't our dream location, we love the access to beaches, entertainment, family, and new friends.
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    When he applied to grad school, we had many conversations about where we'd end up, and we both agreed that returning to this particular place was not an option. He also expressed a strong
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    preference to stay in Southern California. But now that he's been accepted to the one school we ruled out, he's been trying to convince me to move there. I have repeatedly and clearly told him that I cannot see myself going back. I absolutely understand that
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    glewo oton Beach Gulf of Santa U.S.NAVAL SAN CLEMENTE ISLAND RES wherd ne Oceanside -Encinitas Catalina San Diego 15 Chula Vista Inc Warner Springs scondido 78 Julia oway P El Cajon U.S.
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    this is an important step for his career, and I have told him that if he feels strongly about attending, he is free to go without me-I would never stand in his way. However, he does not want to be apart, which I completely understand. I don't want that either.
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    What's been difficult is that I now feel like I'm being positioned as the one standing in the way of his future. He doesn't seem to see my reasons as valid and, at times, makes me feel like his career should outweigh my happiness. Five years is a long
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    commitment, and I know in my heart that I cannot be happy there for that long. This has become a daily conversation, and it's starting to take a real toll on my mental health. I don't know what to do. How can we both find a resolution that we're both happy with? I'm not sure that I see one.
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    VinylHighway He can move away for the schooling and visit during holidays/weekends. I assume you also...have a job?
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    Forsaken-Cold1311 OP I do have a job but am also attending school to become a teacher. I'll soon be graduating and this is another reason he feels I should be willing to go, since I can "teach anywhere".
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    Mediocre Ant_437 You shouldn't have to be miserable for him to get what he wants. He should be looking for a compromise that makes you both happy as that is how marriage is supposed to work. He is being selfish by expecting you to be miserable on his behalf.
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    Milk Chocolate21 Doesn't seem like you are being set up for professional success. Without a job, if you get there and hate it, you'll be trapped...add a baby and he'll always be in charge. People love to act like teachers can live anywhere, but not really
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    Comfortable_Draw_176 Yes you could but you'd be giving up building connections where you live now. Networking is important is almost all fields. A lot of states prefer in state applicants, so you might have to move before you get hired - to a job you don't want.
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    He betrayed your agreement as a married couple making plans together, and is using his acceptance to guilt and pressure you. That's not ok.
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    Stand up for yourself. I get he selfishly wants you to sacrifice your career choices and happiness for him, but knowing it'd make you miserable and asking anyways... is he really that selfish that he only cares about himself?
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    Option 1. Tell him there is no win/win in this situation. If you sacrifice your happiness for him, you'll be miserable, resentful and it'll take toll on relationship. If he sacrifices happiness, same toll on relationship. The only solution is you both sacrifice time together as a means to long term goals. You'll have summers and holidays together.
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    Option 2. Do the same selfish manipulation tactic he took (he only applied because he had to apply to 10 schools, but actually not true). You'll apply to jobs in that state, but send a few to schools in CA. Then say, "oh I didn't know I'd get an offer in CA. The out of state job hasn't replied, so I guess I'll take it and you can give up everything for me instead. You see how selfish that sounds??
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    CrystalQueen3000 He may have verbally agreed with you but he didn't mean it because if he had he would not have applied to that school Don't let him pressure you if you know you'd be unhappy, what he did was manipulative
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    Forsaken-Cold1311 OP I actually brought that to his attention. I believe what I said was "You shouldn't make empty promises. if you are not willing to stick by your word no matter what. You made that agreement
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    with hopes, not with full intention." There was no response to this. I've also brought it up prior in therapy and the response from our therapist was that the circumstances have changed and it's now the only school he's gotten into....
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    aj_alva So the two of you had an agreement that you would never go back to "that place" - but he applied for a program in that place, and is now pretending you are the problem if you don't go?
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    - There's something suspicious about this and I would have asked for an explanation as soon as the acceptance came in. (Seriously, Why even apply there?) I would also be curious why he's so insistent on that program if he is still waiting to hear back from other universities.

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