'You are not his boss or his mother': Coworker calls out peer for looking unkempt and messy at a meeting, others call him out for being 'out of line'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Mar 24, 2025 10:00 PM EDT

We grow up learning not to comment on other people's appearances, especially if it's negative. We learn the old adage "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." And that's generally a good rule to keep to. Only when your dear, dear friend asks "Is this outfit ugly?" and they're at home ready to change it, can you feel free to speak your mind. Otherwise, if they can't fix it in five seconds, don't point it out. Not everyone has internalized this axiom, though. Some feel the need to point out every little thing that might be wrong. Maybe they're control freaks, maybe they're insecure, or maybe they're just plain mean. 

The man in this story might have been a combination of the three. When a man who looked like he was going through a hard time showed up to a meeting looking that way, his coworker couldn't resist a comment. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10483721216
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • When the other folks in the room called him out, though, he was left wondering if he was in the right. Is it okay to point something out if you feel it needs addressing, or is that better left to someone else? Read on for the story and see what you think. 

  • 02

    AITA for telling my coworker to "freshen up" for an important event?

    Throwaway account since the people involved use Reddit. I (32M) work at a company with the occasional events. I take them as chances to network with people from other companies and so on.
    via u/Useful-Science8384
  • 03
    My coworker [33M], who we'll call Ben is pretty scruffy. Showing up to work in the same outfit he wore the previous day and even sleeping at his desk sometimes. I've never interacted with him 1-on-1 per se but we've been on the same projects and I'm friendly with him.
    via u/Useful-Science8384
  • 04
    Here is where the issue is: Recently, there was a company event, and, for once, Ben didn't really participate or speak about it beforehand, so most of us assumed he wasn't going. I didn't expect him to come of course, but he did in the most unprofessional outfit. He was wearing wrinkled clothes and colors that didn't match. Like he rolled out of bed. He walked up to my circle and we locked eyes and I joked that he should've freshed up a bit to an event like this and there were some chuckles but
    via u/Useful-Science8384
  • 05
    He soon walked away and my other coworker pulled me aside and told me that I was way out of line, and her and my colleagues think that I shouldn't have spoken about his attire especially since I don't know him very well. I thought I was just making a joke to lighten the mood. I haven't seen him since and he's been actively avoiding me. mostly everyone in my circle is expecting me to apologize to Ben, AITA for making a joke?
    via u/Useful-Science8384
  • 06

    Commenters swooped in and called him out for his remark.

    Nester1953 . 17h ago I'm so confused. What was the joke? You told a co-worker you barely know that he should freshen up because his clothes were rumpled and unkempt at a company event. You told him this because you thought he looked bad and should have
    via u/Nester1953
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    freshened up before coming. To make your humiliation of this man even worse,, you told him in front of a group of co- workers, some of whom chuckled. Now you're claiming that you humiliated the co-worker to "lighten the mood" as a "joke."
    via u/Nester1953
  • 08
    Perhaps you should look up the word "joke" and the words. "bu_ying," "unking," and "mean." You seem to think these words are interchangeable. They're not. Truly shameful behavior. YTA
    via u/Nester1953
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    BEBB
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 10
    • ConstantAggressive 17h ago Someone wearing the same clothes, looking unkempt, and falling asleep at their desk sounds like someone who is going through something. Awesome that you chose to embarrass him. YTA
    via u/ConstantAggressive
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    abluix 18h ago • YTA. Why did you notice that he wasn't attending if you're barely familiar with him? Also, why does his clothing bother you to make a 'joke' out of it? It seems like you have some unresolved feelings.
    via u/abluix
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    • Impossible_Rain_4727 17h ago YTA: You are not his boss or his mother - h I, you are not even a casual acquaintance. Why is his personal style any of your business?
    via u/Impossible_Rain_4727
  • 13
    You insulted his appearance in front of a group to 'lighten the mood'? I am confused why you thought the mood needed lightening in the first place? Your 'joke' is giving Mean Girls vibes.
    via u/Impossible_Rain_4727
  • 14
    angel9_writes • 17h ago Oh, please, that wasn't a joke. That was you judging his attired and rudely calling him out for it. Also, what mood were you lightening? Was there a dark mood? No you were pointing him out to embarrass him into dressing how YOU deem appropriate.
    via u/angel9_writes
  • 15
    He may be neurodivergent, he may have been trying to be more proactive for his job. All that should really matter is his work performance and. if you truly cared about the professionalism of the situation -- you would have approached him one on one with care and consideration.
    via u/angel9_writes
  • 16
    Really wish people would stop trying to excuse their rudeness with: it was just a joke. You wanted to embarrass him. YTA
    via u/angel9_writes
  • 17
    lihzee 18h ago • YTA. You're probably not wrong, but the fact that you don't even really know this guy and have never actually spoken to him before makes you an a h le in my opinion. A coworker you barely know making a comment about how you look isn't a good way to "lighten the mood."
    via u/lihzee
  • 18
    Zealousideal-Ad6358 • 17h ago YTA. That wasn't a "joke" - that was a shaming dig under the guise of a "joke" in front of his colleagues. Absolutely terrible thing to do, humiliating someone like that. Give that man the apology he deserves.
    via u/Zealousideal-Ad6358
  • 19
    JeepersCreepers74 . 17h ago YTA. This wasn't a joke, this was you insulting Ben in a failed attempt to impress others. The fact that people who were there are telling you to apologize should be a good indication of how funny it was.
    via u/JeepersCreepers74
  • 20
    zi76 17h ago • YTA. Honestly, your coworkers should be reporting you to HR.
    via u/zi76
  • 21
    • rightitdown 17h ago Yeah, I think YTA here. This may have been an appropriate conversation to have (a) if you were his superior and (b) in private. But to call it out in a group setting to a peer ... definitely not the way to go about it.
    via u/rightitdown
  • 22
    Kaiju Alert 17h ago • YTA - You don't know what his situation is, yet you made fun of him as if he's doing it by choice. Is he sleeping at his desk because his home life is unbearable? Or because he is living out of his car? Or maybe just really depressed and
    via u/KaijuAlert
  • 23
    struggling to stay alive. You claim to be "friendly" with him, but you have no idea what is going on in his life. Instead, you are acting like someone that enjoys hurting and embarrassing others, just for fun. You need to grow up and quit embracing the high-school bu y tactics.
    via u/KaijuAlert
  • 24
    IAmTAAlways 17h ago YTA, it wasn't a joke so don't frame it as one to make yourself seem better. The only person who should be concerned about and talking to him about his work attire is his boss. You barely know the guy and decided to embarrass him in
    via u/IAmTAAlways
  • 25
    public. You could have just gone to his boss in private after the event with your concerns. Wondering if you have some other issue with this guy now since his attire doesn't affect you in any way, shape, or form and there were more appropriate ways to address this.
    via u/IAmTAAlways
  • 26
    pkkmm 17h ago • YTA. Don't joke about someone's appearance in front of other people. When I read the headline I thought you politely suggested Ben freshen up prior to an event and that sounded reasonable. What you did was just unkind. Don't make jokes at other people's expense.
    via u/pkkmm

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