Foster parents pressure 16-year-old foster kid to change his name from Ryder to Ryan, claims his name is inappropriate: 'They would like me to strongly consider it so I could have the chance at a professional future'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Mar 30, 2025 8:00 AM EDT

Babies aren't put on this earth to have professional names. I understand why a parent wouldn't want to name their kid something absurd, but if a kid is named something that society at large has decided is acceptable, who are we to make them feel wrong about that? I wouldn't name my kid Hunter, Dallas, or Gunther, but that doesn't mean that boys who are named those names all across the American South should feel bad about themselves. Even if you have a real hippie dippie name like Clementine or Rainbow, you shouldn't have to change your name to appeal to the cold corporate setup! We're human beings first and resumes second. I know an extraordinary vegan hippie named Cedar, and they work in a senior position at their company at age 24. I'm sure we all know some "professionally named" people who are perpetually unemployed and reek of unprofessionalism. 

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  • It is especially cruel to tell a kid whose name is their connection to their estranged family members that their name is not acceptable, and that's precisely what the foster parents in this story did to the 16-year-old boy in their care. He's had so much taken away from him already, and now this?

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    AND TO MAX
    via Caleb Wright

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for not being open to the idea of changing my first name like my foster parents suggested?

    I'm (16m) a foster kid. I was taken from my mom 3 years ago because she's not doing good mentally and it wasn't considered safe for me to live with her. My current foster parents are the
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    ones I hope to stay with until I turn 18. They're the best I've had and I bounced around a lot, especially in my first year. But there's something that has come up and now I'm wondering.
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    Cheezburger Image 10487464960
    via Ellery Sterling

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    So my name's Ryder. My foster parents don't outright say they hate it. But I think I saw my foster mom cringe at my name before. My foster dad asked me when we first met what my middle name was and I guess that wasn't a name they liked either. So they call me Ry and I think sometimes they tried to say my name's Ryan instead of Ryder.
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    A month ago they had asked me if I had ever considered changing my first name when I turn 18 to something more sophisticated sounding. They even said Ryan could be an idea since it's so close and they share a nickname.
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    I told them I liked my names and didn't ever think of changing them. They didn't say any more then but a week later they told me they had thought a lot about my future and they worried my name would be something that holds me back. My foster mom
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    said it sounds so lewd when said fast and they felt I deserved better than that. I told them it didn't bother me and I liked that my mom had chosen my name. That was the end of it again. And then last week they brought it up again and they showed me these articles on the importance of a name, of naming babies for adult
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    Cheezburger Image 10487465728
    via Glenn Carstens-Peters

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    life instead of being cute or fun as kids. They told me they couldn't make me do it, which I knew, but they would like me to strongly consider it so I could have the chance at a professional future and being taken seriously. They said they would hate to see me passed over for jobs because of my name. And that they feel
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    like a much older me won't find the name as cool as I do now. They asked if I trusted them and I said yeah and they said if I do, I should really give some thought to what I could change my name to that would be a better name for adult me.
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    I told them I was really never going to be okay with that. I felt like it was a waste of time and would get me stuck with some name I wouldn't like. They asked why I was so okay with dismissing future me and why could I not try, when they were doing all they could to help me. I could tell it really got to them that I was still so against it. AITA?
    via u/No-Bit-8137
  • 13
    Ok-Bee-2222 Hi Ryder, Sorry for the tough intro to life but proud of you for still kicking. While I think life is best lived with an open mind, there are certain things that we are just not comfortable or open to. Something as personal as your name is definitely one I see as being a pretty strict boundary. You're allowed to pick and choose what you would want to be named once you're 18 but it sounds
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    to me like you prefer the name you already have and the connection that it provides for you. It's your name, only you are being called by that. You are the one responding when you hear it, that is the name your possible future kids or partner will also know you as. It is completely within your rights to want to keep it and I don't think you should feel guilty about it. I imagine it's hard with all you've been through in life to be treated like you deserve and be given a memorable home
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    without feeling some type of guilt. Like you have to fulfill something or be extra grateful. I'm very glad your new home is one where you feel comfortable and the best one so far, but your foster parents are adults who chose to welcome you into your home and love you unconditionally. Even if they have been giving you the best life you have known so far, you don't have to give in to the pressure of pleasing every aspect of them.
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    You're young and will put your foot down many times in life but this can be a good starting point. As for any concerns you may have job wise, I wouldn't let those sit for too long. While maybe many years ago different names could have been part of a reason why people wouldn't get hired, although hard to believe at times, the world is constantly evolving and growing to be more inclusive. What you put forward in life is your attitude, work ethic, and the way you conduct yourself.
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    And I believe those are all far more important in getting a job in current times and in future times. Also I'm my opinion I don't think your name is lewd at all, I truly believe your foster parents maybe came from a place of wanting to take a sweet kid in but maybe trying to control a little too much of their life. While you can appreciate their concern and hear them out, please do not feel bad for making it clear that you do not want to change your name and they should please respect that.
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    I also disagree very much that you deciding not to change your name is in turn dismissing future you. I think it's the complete opposite. I believe future you will be happy and satisfied that you stuck to who you believe you are the name you like. No one can foresee every problem in the future and while I can't promise you some random mean person won't ever poke fun at any unconventional name, you starting early and
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    deciding that you know what you like and trusting in yourselves as opposed to just your foster parents inherently makes you stronger and a more confident person. I hope they can respect your decision and come to love your name as much as you do, because it's what makes you you. You are apart of it and are happy with it and that's all that matters.
    via u/Ok-Bee-2222
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    No-Bit-8137 OP Honestly, I hated being taken from my mom and wish I could go back. She was sick and not the most stable but our home was still pretty happy and I know she loved me and I loved her. But I'm not allowed to go back. At least since entering foster care this is the best place I've been in and it's not even close in terms of competition. The funniest part of this to me is my life with mom was way better than the short time I spent with most of the foster families I was placed with. Tha
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    FlyFlirtyandFifty Hi Ryder, I work in Recruiting/Talent Acquisition, trust me when I tell you, hiring managers are barely even looking at the name when they look at the resume. They're looking at qualifications. You know what you can do for future you? Not let bouncing around in the foster system hold you back from deciding what you want in life and going after it with all your heart. Stay in school, pursue a higher education if that is what you want, but don't let a wobbly start discourage you
    via u/FlyFlirtyandFifty
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    Someone else suggested getting in front of the conversation with your family before they bring it up again. Tell them you really have given it some thought and you have made the decision to keep your name as it is for now. As another commenter suggested, tell them you will consider it again in several years if you feel like your future is actually being affected by your name, but for now you have made your choice and you would greatly appreciate if they would respect it. Definitely NTA.
    via u/FlyFlirtyandFifty
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    cadmium2093 Nta. They shouldn't be pressuring you to change your name. Have you considered talking to your social worker? Or just sitting down and explaining to them that your name means a lot to you and this is a boundary for you.
    via u/cadmium2093
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    No-Bit-8137 OP I don't want to bring my social worker into it. Don't want to start anything that could get me removed because when I say they are the better foster parents, it's not even close. I'm not going through the ones again. I'd prefer to just deal with this name cr p. It all just really makes me wish I could be back with my mom. I could try talking to them some more about my name. I'm not sure if it'll help but could be worth a shot.
    via u/No-Bit-8137
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    SG131 Then maybe just tell them you'll think about it when you turn 18, but you've got awhile until you could do it anyway so you're not ready to worry about it now. Hopefully that will get them to stop bugging you for awhile without you committing to anything you don't want to do.
    via u/SG131
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    kujoho Ryder.....what a beautiful name. The only time a person should change their name is if they are unhappy with it, not if someone else is unhappy with it. You like your name. Keep it.
    via u/kujoho
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    DamnltToElle I come from a long line of rednecks who gave their children horrible names in the 80s and 90s. One of my cousins shares their name with a type of sushi, several others have names that at the time were only associated with str in 2024? Just pers. You know how they're doing fine. They work in diverse fields where they are respected, are upstanding citizens, and only ever get polite compliments on their names. It's not 1950- I know several doctors with untraditional names, several lawy
    via u/DamnltToElle

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parents of teens foster care teenager crazy things parents say teenagers foster bad parenting bad parents raising teens names family naming mom name parents
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