38-year-old daughter refuses to let 65-year-old father move into purpose-built in-law apartment because of childfree stepmom: 'They joked about kids being ungrateful, expensive, needy'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Apr 2, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

Rebuilding a life after a divorce is often difficult. The relationship that a person most likely thought was going to be forever didn't work out, and now they have to figure out how to make things work without it. Assuming they want another partner, they have to experience all the drama of the dating game again, and if they have kids in tow, it only makes the experience even more complicated.

The reality is that while life might not end after you have children, it does make things very different. If a mom or dad is in the position of finding a serious romantic relationship, it's important to take into consideration how a potential partner may be around their kids. While it may be upsetting for somebody to have to leave behind someone that they like because they don't align with their lifestyle as a parent, it can occasionally be a necessity to keep the family at its happiest. 

Am I terrible for not wanting my (38F) aging dad's (65M) childfree wife (66F) to move into the apartment I built for him?

This is something that one adult woman found herself struggling with after bitter childhood memories and her sense of duty to her family collided. Due to their health, her dad and stepmom were looking to downsize to a smaller, one-story home, and she and her husband had built an apartment on their property for this exact purpose.

However, the woman was reluctant to offer it to them as she felt her stepmother had failed to be adequate in her role while she and her brother were growing up, being dismissive of them and seemingly annoyed that they impinged on her childfree lifestyle. In her current position she felt guilty, and looked for advice.

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    Cheezburger Image 10489272576
    via Natalia Blauth (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    'This has been eating at me, and I need an outside perspective'

    Cheezburger Image 10489272832
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    'I want my dad to move in, but I don't want his wife to live here'

    This has been eating at me, and I need an outside perspective. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my brother was 13. A year later, my dad started dating the woman who is now his wife. As kids, we didn't really care much about our parents' dating lives we were wrapped up in school and typical childhood things. When he introduced her to us, she seemed nice but distant. My mom was a flight attendant and picked up extra work after the divorce, which meant we spent more time with our dad and by ex
    via castle_wind
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    About six months into dating, she moved in. She never mistreated us, but she was uninterested in being any kind of parental figure. My brother loved building computers and she didn't care. I was a girly girl into nails and hair and she showed no interest. Conversations with her felt like I was annoying her. She didn't cook, didn't help with school pickups, didn't seem to care to celebrate our birthdays she just coexisted. By the time I hit high school, I saw her more as a roommate than a stepmom
    via castle_wind
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    There was one moment that really stuck with me. My dad and her had friends over. I overheard the couple talking about how glad they were to never have had kids, how expensive and annoying children were, and how they preferred their money and freedom. My dad gently pushed back, saying he loved having us, but she replied with something like, "Even if you did see them as a burden, you'd never say it out loud." She laughed and agreed with her friends' anti-kid stance. They joked about kids being ung
    via castle_wind
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    After that, I pulled back emotionally. I stopped sharing things with my dad, and worried that maybe I was a burden. That moment truly shifted our dynamic, even if unintentionally. Now, as an adult, I see how hurt I was by her words and how I much of a burden I felt for both of them. Fast forward to today: My dad and his wife are now in their mid 60s, both retired and dealing with health issues. Their two story home is becoming unmanageable. They want to sell it and find a single-story home, but
    via castle_wind
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    Years ago, my husband and I built an in-law suite on our property. It's private, on the other side of our land, fully equipped one bedroom apartment intended for one of my aging parents. We're now building a second one in case my mom needs it someday. My dad recently asked if he and his wife could move into the in-law suite if they sell their house. Here's where I'm stuck: I want my dad to move in. He was always loving, responsible, and kind. He deserves a peaceful retirement. But I don't want h
    via castle_wind
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    She didn't want kids, never acted like a stepmom, and made it clear she valued her freedom and money over a family. And now, I'm being asked to take her in. It feels unfair that she gets to benefit from something she never put an effort in and the stepkids she ignored.
    via castle_wind
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    My stepdad, on the other hand, was incredible. My mom met him when I was 12 and married him in less than a year. He also didn't have children but was an amazing step dad. Everytime we were at my moms, he was always showing interest in anything we said. He asked my brother to show him how to build a computer, he bought all the parts and they built one together. I was constantly asking him to take me to my best friends house who lived 20 minutes away and not once did he seem annoyed or frustrated.
    via castle_wind
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    My brother agrees with me. He understands why I don't want her here and supports me in whatever I say. But I know if I tell my dad she's not welcome, he won't come either. So... am I terrible for not wanting my dad's childfree wife to move into the apartment I built for him?
    via castle_wind
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    Commenters urged her to look at all perspectives in the situation.

    Purlz1st It's probably best for all concerned if they move into a 55+ condo community.
    via Purlz1st
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    Everyday_everyway He chose her as his life partner and if you want him in your guest house, or life you are going to have to work through some of this resentment. If it were me I'd let him know that they were welcome but if he ever passes she will need to find another home. That alone would probably deter them but I feel like it's fair. Also, I'm sorry that it's like that.
    via Everyday_everyway
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    Expert-Conflict-1664 If they move in, an oral agreement will not be enough. You need to set something up in writing, so that you will be able to move her out in the future.
    via Expert-Conflict-1664
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    Reademallj I think a lot of people are commenting re them being a package deal so I won't reiterate that. I will say however that your father is also somewhat at fault and you don't seem to acknowledge that. As a parent it should absolutely be your priority to date someone who likes kids and will be a caring loving and involved parent if you marry them. She is 100% wrong to have had this attitude and have treated you that way but I can't imagine how someone could realize their partner doesn't ca
    via Reademallj
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    toobasic2care I'm sorry. But your dad also has some hand in this not just her. He chose to date someone who didn't want kids... when he had kids. He chose to have her in your home, treating you like nothing, ignoring you and making you feel like a burden. He could've chosen to stay single, or date someone who in the very least would've been kind and loving towards the other family members in her home. He should also realise now that sadly that choice has consequences that come back to haunt him.
    via toobasic2care
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    dllimport So I think only you can decide what to do, but just remember that it's your dad you care about. I doubt he'd be ok moving in without her since she's his wife. I'd be inclined to let them because I love my dad, but I would tell her something that indicates that she's only there because of him and set whatever boundaries you need to. Good luck. Hard choice.
    via dllimport
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    CardioKeyboarder If they're selling their 2 storey house then surely they should have enough capital to buy an apartment or small single storey house.
    via CardioKeyboarder
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    Mother_Tradition_774 So you have an issue with woman who was distant towards you but you have no problem with the man who allowed her to behave that way? I think your aggressions are misplaced. You should be upset with your dad for marrying a woman who didn't want a relationship with his kids. It sounds like she was very open with him about her feelings regarding children and he had no problem with it.
    via Mother_Tradition_774
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    fun_biscotti_7 A lot of men are selfish and don't want to be alone. He looked after his own wellbeing and not that of his kids.
    via fun_biscotti_7
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    gurlwithdragontat2 Was your dad actually incredible though if he chose a partner who would treat his kids that way? That was a choice. Anyway, you're right, they are a package deal and I don't think it'd be unreasonable to ask for her to pay to live there as she is not related to you. More than that, as they age you risk being made responsible for her if she's on your property.
    via gurlwithdragontat2
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    Traditional-Joke3707 I blame your dad for forcing her into your life despite knowing she is not motherly and wouldn't be supportive of you and your brother in any sense. Don't let both of them in. let your dad can have peaceful life with his wife some where else or where ever, without having you to go through the same thing all over again
    via Traditional-Joke3707
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    andronicuspark You're not terrible. But from everything you told us, kinda seems like your stepdad was way more involved figure in your lives than your bio-dad. Sure, he had you guys while your mom worked. But it doesn't seem like he protected you very much from this woman who treated you guys as inconveniences. Or was as interested in your hobbies at the stepdad. Petty me, wants you to throw it in her face, "Now who's expensive and annoying, dad's wife?" This should definitely be talked about i
    via andronicuspark
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    I would recommend therapy for yourself. And probably a one on one chat with your dad. I'm sorry you're in this, OP. You are a wonderful person, who has lived with a devastating event for a very long time.
    via andronicuspark
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    Mermaidstudio You're not terrible. It's clear you've been hurt by your stepmom's attitude and behavior, and it's okay to set boundaries based on how you feel. You don't owe her anything, especially when she hasn't been there for you in the way you needed. You want to care for your dad, but it's understandable that you're not eager to support someone who didn't show any interest in being a positive part of your life. Just be honest with your dad, but it might be tough. You deserve peace, too.
    via Mermaidstudio
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    The woman was grateful for the advice.

    EDIT::: First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and leave thoughtful comments (even the tough ones). I posted originally as a bit of a rant and vent, but reading through the responses has honestly shifted my perspective in a few ways. A lot of you brought up points I hadn't considered or hadn't let myself consider until now. I realized I left out some important context that might help explain my mindset. Her dismissiveness wasn't just a couple of awkward moments. It
    via castle_wind
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    To be clear, I don't care that she's child-free or didn't want kids. That's not the issue. The issue is that she made a decision to move into a house that had kids and chose to be cold, cutting, and distant rather than neutral or kind. She didn't owe us maternal love, but basic decency and respect? I think she did. And now I think my dad should've stood up for us more when she didn't show that. That's another thing a lot of you pointed out and you were right. I hadn't really let myself think abo
    via castle_wind
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    My brother left for college on a scholarship as soon as he graduated, and I stuck it out a couple more years until I graduated and enlisted. After I left, they finally got married and moved several states away. I didn't speak to her at all for years. I still talked to my dad occasionally on holidays here and there, mostly texts or the occasional call. My brother barely talks to him now, maybe a phone call every few months. I've kept more contact, but even then it's been distant. I want to clarif
    via castle_wind
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    My dad asking to move in this early has opened up a whole can of emotional worms for me. I want to care for my dad. He was a good parent in many ways. But the more I think about it, the more I see how much he let slide. How he maybe chose her over us in ways I didn't want to acknowledge. And now it feels like they want to circle back like all of that was normal. Maybe they are trying to get closer now to prepare for when they're more frail. I just don't know if I'm ready to bridge that distance,
    via castle_wind

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