29-year-old overhears girlfriend's romantic DnD roleplay with another man, she agrees to let him listen in on the next game but flirty party member refuses: “He wouldn't participate in any game I was present for"

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
May 19, 2025 7:00 PM EDT

I've only really played Dungeons and Dragons a handful of times in the same campaign. As is the fate of many DnD campaigns, our get-togethers became increasingly less frequent until the whole thing sort of fizzled out. Still, the experience was incredibly fun while it lasted. I found that I prefer to play characters that are absolutely nothing like me. So, as a small, feisty, 20-something, I made my character a wise and ancient old man wizard. I actually started off with a tiefling that was way too much like me, and I requested the Dungeon Master to let me destroy her in an accident – he gladly accepted. 

As you can imagine, the old wizard that I played during my short DnD spell wasn't much a flirt, but romantic roleplay does come with the territory of fantasy roleplay. Sometimes, it can't be helped; if the character you created is confident and smug, some light flirting can be expected here and there. However, there are people that use the game to simulate romantic relationships with people they'd otherwise never have a chance with – people in loving relationships notwithstanding. 

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  • 01

    AIO? I think my gf might be cheating on me through her Dungeons and Dragons game

    2127
    via dodotone

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  • 02
    I (27m) have been going out with my gf (25f) for almost 4 years, and we've been living together for a few months. She's funny and wonderful and kind and honestly pretty much everything I ever wanted in a girl. She's also a bit of a D&D type nerd, which I don't
    via u/Theupdude
  • 03
    think is a bad thing. It's good that she has her own friends and hobbies. She tried getting me into it, but I don't really "get it". She tried teaching me about D&D but there were just too many weird rules and dice, and I just didn't see the fun in it. We tried
    via u/Theupdude
  • 04
    playing Baldur's Gate 3 together thinking it would be easier to get into for me, and for me to experience her world in a way, but I got really bored really fast, and at that point it was just better to let her do her own thing. We've got plenty of other stuff we do together, and as I said it's not a big deal for her to
    via u/Theupdude
  • 05
    own thing. We've got plenty of other stuff we do together, and as I said it's not a big deal for her to have hobbies that don't include me. And she does love her hobby. She gets very excited about her weekly games and sometimes tells me about the epic adventures they go on, which admittedly sounds pretty fun secondhand but is not really for me.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 06
    We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, so we have a bedroom and a "home office" we share, where our laptops are. Her D&D games are online, and usually happen in the evening so I just hang out in the living room or go out when she plays to not intrude. But a few weeks ago I noticed that she locks the door when she plays. I thought it was a little weird
    via u/Theupdude
  • 07
    because why would you lock the door to play D&D? And it didn't sit right with me. So I did what I now think might have been very sad and pathetic, but I genuinely didn't know what else to do the last few weeks when she had her game, I sat out in the hall by the door and listened. She uses headphones so I -
    via u/Theupdude
  • 08
    could only really hear her side of the game, and at first it was just some stuff about rolling dice, joking around with her friends, and spells doing whatever, but I kept at it. I sat there for 4 hours last week and over 2 hours this week, but eventually I heard it - she was talking about/with another person and it was really romantic. It was tender, and and very
    via u/Theupdude
  • 09
    Cheezburger Image 10506866176
    via RyanKing999

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  • 10
    emotional. She legit said something like "you know I love you, so I want to help you save your family" or something like that, in a clearly romantic way. It went on like that - like a clearly emotional discussion with a romantic partner that lasted a solid 15 minutes. Then it went back to other stuff, but by that point it didn't matter.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 11
    I was really upset, and went back to the living room, and when she came out after session I confronted her. I told her I heard her talking and telling some guy how much she loved him, and how he was the only one who ever got through to her or something, so
    via u/Theupdude
  • 12
    she would do anything for him. She said I was taking it out of context, and that it was just pretend and playing a character, but I told her it didn't matter. This wasn't some video game where her character
    via u/Theupdude
  • 13
    was speaking written lines to another character with written lines who wasn't real. She herself was saying sweet, loving, romantic things to another real person. And it hurt to hear. It felt like cheating.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 14
    She said it wasn't cheating, and her character wasn't her. She just did it for the drama, and thought being romantically invested made her character better. She also said that me sitting outside to listen in on her game was a violation of her privacy and showed that I didn't trust her, which was why she felt like she
    via u/Theupdude
  • 15
    needed to lock the door in the first place. I apologized for that, but at the same time I said that me being wrong to eavesdrop doesn't justify what she did, to which she said that she didn't do anything wrong. It was just what the game was. And it was just a game, but that made me feel even worse.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 16
    Maybe I'm being whiny or misreading it, but she is the first person I was ever really vulnerable with like that, and the way she spoke to me when she told me how much she loved me, it was just so similar to the way she spoke as her character that it made me
    via u/Theupdude
  • 17
    uncomfortable. It made me feel like something that was only mine and only for me was just given to someone else for a game. It felt like it cheapened it. Was she faking it with me? Was she genuinely feeling it for that other person? I don't know what exactly it is that's bothering me, because technically she's not
    via u/Theupdude
  • 18
    wrong. But I don't care if she's technically not cheating, I just feel like there are certain sides of my gf that should be reserved only for me, shouldn't there? I couldn't really verbalize it to her, and after a bunch of arguing back and forth with just went to bed.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 19
    For the past few days we've been in this weird state of limbo where we're going on like nothing happened, but also there's clearly tension. Today I couldn't take it anymore and I said that we need to talk about it. I said that I understand her hobbies are
    via u/Theupdude
  • 20
    important to her, but I am her bf and there should be certain things that are just for me. I can't go on knowing that she's talking like that to some other guy. So I told her that I support her going on with the games, but I ask that she no longer lock the door, and no longer do whatever romantic stuff she does in game.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 21
    She said I didn't mind when she talked to me at length about her romance with that Asterion guy in Baldur's Gate. I told her, again, that that is not the same. I don't mind her playing at romance with a bunch of pixels, and being moved by fiction, but that her D&D game isn't just fiction. It's her, telling those
    via u/Theupdude
  • 22
    things to an actual person, and that bothers me, so I want her to stop. She said I was being possessive and controlling, and that I can't tell her not to have hobbies or how to behave. I told her that's true but if she doesn't understand how I feel about this we
    via u/Theupdude
  • 23
    might not have a future together. She got angrier and said I'm clearly not in a state to be having this discussion and we'll talk again when I've calmed down, and went to school (she's getting her MA), but in the time since I've been the opposite of calming down, I just get more upset the more I think about it.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 24
    Clearly me being upset should at least make her consider stopping even if she isn't actually cheating. outright? Shouldn't my feelings matter on this issue? But also, maybe I'm not being reasonable? Maybe I AM overreacting? Help!
    via u/Theupdude
  • 25
    11 14 11 2 S 13 1 18 85 13 15 10 16 2J3 21 20 16 9/11 Ꮽ 19 8 168 20 17 9 12 10 12 15 9 2 125 809 49 60
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  • I haven't flirted in a DnD campaign, but I think the only way to do it would be to use a really funny and exaggerated voice so that absolutely no one – not other players and certainly not your significant other – think you are cheating or serious in any way. 

  • 26
    Update: So having read the comments ya'll gave, I thought I maybe was actually overreacting and I really did fi up. Especially helpful I thought was a comment someone made about asking her about maybe keeping the door unlocked & being allowed to listen in on session to get context & learn to accept her hobby & let het still enjoy it without me spiraling.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 27
    So when she came home from school I made apology dinner (homemade pizza from scratch, her fave), and we sat down to talk. She started by demanding an apology because whatever else I had to say, eavesdropping & not trusting her were huge ups on my part. I agreed & apologized immediately because that was part, no question. f behavior on my
    via u/Theupdude
  • 28
    That helped her be more open to hearing me out. So I said, more calmly & tactfully, that it bothers me that she is simulating romantic love with a person I don't know in context I don't understand. I said that I can & do apologize for my actions, but I can't change how I feel, and that also needs to be discussed. So she
    via u/Theupdude
  • 29
    asked what I had in mind. I told her that I think trust should go both ways, so me trusting that the game is just a game & it doesn't mean anything is well and good, but in return I'd like for her to keep the door unlocked and let me sit in on a few sessions. I promised not to be disruptive, not to overreact or interrupt the game & to bring up any issues I had
    via u/Theupdude
  • 30
    privately with her after the game was over. She seemed relived because she was worried I'd demand she drop the game or break up with her, and said she personally didn't mind but she needed to bring it up with her group, which I thought was very reasonable.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 31
    The rest of the evening, though, she was constantly on her phone, constantly getting Discord notifications and seemed more and more upset. This lasted for literally hours, well into the night, past when I was asleep. I asked of anything was wrong
    via u/Theupdude
  • 32
    and she said maybe, but not to wait up & she promised to tell me everything in the morning.I didn't get much sleep but I also didn't want to pry too much having just promised not to.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 33
    So come morning, when I asked what happened, since she clearly didn't get much sleep & was clearly nervous she said she brought it up with the group & reactions were mixed. I'm gonna give these people fake names to keep track.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 34
    So when she brought it up, everyone seemed okay with me listening in except Joe. Joe is the guy whose character she had the romance with. Joe said in their group chat that he wouldn't feel safe acting (they call it roleplaying I guess?) when there was a stranger in chat, and wouldn't participate in any game I was present for. This obviously made my gf respond that
    via u/Theupdude
  • 35
    seeing the relationship between their characters was the whole point of me listening in, to which he said I'm being unreasonable and violating his boundaries by making unreasonable demands. This was already pretty bad in my eyes, but then she told me about the private messages.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 36
    After the group exchange she got three messages. One was from Joe. Joe wrote a long, really really long message about how much he cared about her, and much it hurt him to see her "dim her light" to appease a controlling ab ive boyfriend who stifled her creativity, and how she should be with someone who appreciated her, let her be herself and shared her interest, and that he was available if she "wanted to talk". He finished with a paragraph about how
    via u/Theupdude
  • 37
    women like her always go for selfish a h_les and don't appreciate the wonderful guys all around them. How he felt such a connection with her through their characters & how could she ignore it. I genuinely couldn't believe I was seeing one of these in the wild. I don't usually get secondhand emberassment but that sh was so cringe I almost d d. Like I genuinely laughed. I couldn't really be angry that sh was just so sad.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 38
    She also got messages from Jenny, another player, who said Joe seemed way too invested in the romance for her taste, and she thought those segments were taking up a lot of game time which she though was better used elsewhere. She never said anything because she thought my GF was really
    via u/Theupdude
  • 39
    into it, but now that it became an issue she thought she should. She also mentioned she found Joe creepy which I personally appreciate. I don't know any of these people IRL because it's an online group, but I certainly think Jenny might be my new best friend.
    via u/Theupdude
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    Cheezburger Image 10506866432
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  • 41
    Finally there was a message from Mitch, the guy running the game, who said Joe reached out to him demanding I not be allowed to, and this is a quote: "violate the intimacy of the group". And he should talk to my gf too to get her to drop me listening in, and possibly drop me altogether (I don't even know how or why Mitch would even attempt to do that).
    via u/Theupdude
  • 42
    All this resulted in them canceling the next game as they work it out. My gf didn't respond to Joe yet, but at least she seems relieved that I'm taking this well. I told her of course I am - I'm not going to be upset over some guy being into her. She's wonderful, of
    via u/Theupdude

  • I'm not going to lie, at first I sort of thought that our protagonist was blowing some friendly roleplaying out of proportion. The only red flag there was that his girlfriend locked the door, but I was ready to give her the benefit of the doubt. Her friend's outright refusal to let our protagonist listen in is the the proof we all needed that this DnD relationship was totally inappropriate!

  • 43
    course guys are going to be into her wherever she goes. The issue I was worried about was that she was into him back, and these messages convinced me that that's clearly not the case, which seems to have made her feel a lot better.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 44
    We talked a bit more and she now seems to agree that locking the door, in context, might have seemed suspicious & that going forward our ground rule should be that character dynamics that make her feel like she should lock the door might be the exact dynamics she should make me aware of, while I
    via u/Theupdude
  • 45
    promised to trust her to tell me these things and not to eavsdrop anymore, and approach her openly about listening in on sessions. Also the romance with Joe's character isn't going to continue, but seeing how she feels about Joe now I think I do trust her to do character romance going forward, just to not hide it from me & be selective with who she does it with.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 46
    I don't know how the Joe situation is going to be handled within the group but I guess that's up to them, since playing with him is obviously going to be very awkward for her. Guess since she doesn't intend to keep up the romance it doesn't really matter.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 47
    Small edit since the situation basically resolved itself now: Joe didn't like being left on read. So he wrote my gf a very r de message about how, I kid you not, she was going to di alone with cats because her a hle boyfriend is going to leave her when she loses her looks (he literally never saw her in person, to be clear), uncovering my secret plan, I guess.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 48
    So she just blocked him and sent a screenshot to Mitch. Joe isn't going to be part of the group anymore. Gf apologized for not recognizing how absolutely unhinged the guy was.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 49
    We reasserted that any in game interaction she isn't comfortable having in front of me is probably one she shouldn't be having.
    via u/Theupdude
  • 50
    Peabuns You were very valid with your feelings of being uncomfortable with your partner emulating love with another even if it was just roleplaying. I myself play dnd and would be super uncomfortable if my partner was sitting there flirting at the table with someone else 'in character' so it's understandable that you would be too. I'm not sure why people thought your boundaries were wrong on your initial post. Glad you guys could figure it out nonetheless.
    via u/Peabuns
  • 51
    Fitz Design Well a good end to what I initially thought was going to be yet another cheating story. Usually the you're controlling spiel is just a cover for the cheating so it was nice to see that it wasn't.
    via u/FitzDesign
  • 52
    It's too bad about her D&D group though as it likely won't survive this in its current format. Either Joe or your gf is going to get the boot depending on which side Mitch comes down on. NOR. Good luck OP, hopefully things continue to work out for you.
    via u/FitzDesign
  • 53
    PersonalDex101 As a dnd player definitely not over reacting, some people are like joe. I have read dnd horror stories of both men and women acting like joe or using a character romance in order to actually flirt with the person playing the character, then get mad when they are told its just in game, they dont want romance, they dont like them like that or the players partner doesn't like it.
    via u/PersonalDex101
  • 54
    But i say the good side to this is you ended up exposing a creep for his weird behavior and probably would've been a bigger issue later down the line, joe probably would've thought he was in a actual relationship with your gf.
    via u/PersonalDex101
  • 55
    pinkyandthebrain-ama Joe seems like a real creep and is way too invested in their 'romance'. In his mind, it's real and he as a chance. If the group have any sense, they'd just boot him... They'll probably just roll a dice.
    via u/pinkyandthebrain-ama
  • 56
    janlep The locked door would be the dealbreaker for me. Partners shouldn't need to lock each other out- literally or figuratively. The only time I lock a bedroom door with my husband on the other side of it is when I'm wrapping his birthday or Christmas presents.
    via u/janlep

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