33-year-old demands fiancé stop giving money to stay-at-home older sister after supporting her for 12 years: 'She doesn't have a job and doesn't plan to'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Sep 2, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

Traditional marriage vows state that a person is going to stick with their spouse for richer or poorer, but they do not specify the terms of staying with somebody throughout these different financial states. Money is frequently one of the biggest causes of conflict in relationships, and a person's financial habits can often betray that their priorities are not where they should be when they are supposedly serious about someone.

One of the biggest culprits when it comes to financial relationship disagreements is sharing money with family members. There is a difference between helping a relative in a time of need and letting them use you as an ATM, and this distinction has been the downfall of many marriages in its time. When a prospective spouse seems more invested in spending on family than their partner, it can be a cause for concern and something that needs to be addressed. 

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  • a man and a woman holding hands and looking away from one another
    via Jonathan Borba

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • In this story, a woman had serious concerns about the amount of income that her fiancé was giving to his older sister. Ever since their dad passed twelve years ago, he had taken financial responsibility for his mom and sister. He had continued to give them 30% of his salary even after he moved away, and his sister got married and became a stay-at-home mom.

    The wife-to-be felt like her future sister-in-law didn't need this extra cash, as her husband made enough money to support his family, and she had no interest in finding work. Thinking of the future, she wondered if it was asking too much to request that he stop directing his finances towards her.

  • Would I be wrong if I told my fiancé to stop giving his sister money?

    Throwaway account: my (F33) fiancé (M35) has a sister (F37) let's call her Sarah, to give a bit of context while growing up their family was doing very well financially, his dad having a small business. But everything changed when he was about 21, his dad got cancer and d d one year later, the business wasn't doing well, and they went bankrupt soon after. My
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • boyfriend started working right after college and took the financial responsibility for both his mom and sister. This included paying the rent and living expenses but after he moved away he stated giving them money monthly, around 30% of his salary.
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • This has been going on for about 12 years already. Sarah never had a real job, and after she got married she became a SAHM having two boys (9 & 7 years), her husband makes enough to support family's living expenses, but not enough for the lifestyle she was used to. She always has to have the latest gadgets, expensive beauty trends, constantly eating out and so on.
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • closeup of a man putting a wallet in his inner jacket pocket
    via Clay Banks

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The problem is that she lives way beyond her means. She doesn't have a job and doesn't plan to. And my fiancé doesn't help, he keeps sending her money monthly. Sometimes she even asks for more money because she runs out.
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • We plan to get married next year, we've been living together for 2 year already (dating for 4), and we split most of the expenses as we both earn about the same, but once we get married we plan to have shared accounts.
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • Now I am not sure how to bring this topic to him, I am worried about him constantly giving way to his sister's demands. I am also not comfortable for a substantial part of his pay to go to her. I understand financial support needed for his elderly mom, I have no issues with that, but I am afraid on how will this affect our future finances and how would be able to save for a house deposit. I am also not comfortable with him supporting her lifestyle.
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • I know that he has the right to do anything he wants with his money, but I am worried about starting a family with someone who has a fully capable grown up constantly asking for money. WIBA if I told my fiancé to stop giving his sister money?
    via Electrical-Cloud-345
  • closeup of a woman counting money
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters supported her point of view.

    traciw67 Nta. I would never marry someone who did that.
    via traciw67
  • CoDaDeyLove You absolutely should address this, and any other financial information with him before you start planning a wedding. You both need to be in agreement on some basic issues, like where you want to live, what kind of house you can afford, do you want children and the expense that comes with them? You both need to know each other's financial status, debts and obligations. If you ask him to change what he is doing and he refuses, you then need to decide if you want to live with
    via CoDaDeyLove
  • that decision permanently. What if one of you got sick and couldn't work? Would he continue to give his sister money?
    via CoDaDeyLove
  • Truckerbarr NTA. Tell him that 30% should be going to down payment on a house or into a retirement. Just ask him how it feels to be his sister's sugar daddy while she has a husband.
    via Truckerbarr
  • LanceWayne2024 Step one: Postpone Wedding Indefinitely
    via LanceWayne2024
  • mpp798tex Giving that money to his sister would be a deal breaker for me.
    via mpp798tex
  • kcoinga NTA for asking but don't expect him to stop. He's been doing this long before you came along. When his father d d he became the "head of the family". That's been his mentality since his father d d. You can discuss it with him but he may see you as being "greedy and uncaring". If this is a deal breaker for you don't marry him. IMO.
    via kcoinga
  • Dazzling-Treacle 1092 I'd have one talk with him. If he can't bring himself to see things differently, I would not consider marrying him. The end.
    via Dazzling-Treacle1092
  • SinglePermission9373 NTA You can ask, but odds are he isn't going to. You need to decide if you can live with that. I personally couldn't. I feel like grown people should support themselves. I honestly wonder what kind of man SIL is married to that he's ok with someone else financing his wife and family even if it is her brother. He needs to step up himself.
    via SinglePermission9373
  • BrokeTheSimulation NTA. Her husband should be beyond embarrassed another man has to support his wife. pathetic. Also- if he continues do not marry this guy.
    via BrokeTheSimulation
  • efiwib He is honorable for supporting his mom. He's a sucker for supporting his married sister. You needed to have the talk with him about a year ago. So you'd better have it today.
    via efiwib
  • lantana98 Only if he is equally fine with you taking an equal percentage of your own paycheck to do with as you please without input from him.
    via lantana98
  • Bluewaveempress I do not think you should be getting married to somebody in this situation
    via Bluewaveempress
  • Adventurous-Term 5062 NTA. I would not marry someone who gave this much money to a family member. Imagine what that money would mean for you and your future kids???
    via Adventurous-Term5062
  • Nolachocklate OP, don't marry him until this is resolved. Money problems are one of the top reasons for divorce!
    via Nolachocklate
  • 1952a You would be the AH if you didn't tell him to stop it. I would not marry them under those circumstances. And my legs would stay closed until he stops it. You are going to be paying 30% of his salary until the day she dies if he doesn't stop now.
    via 1952a
  • United-Plum1671 NTA But do not marry him or share your finances until he fully stops doing this. He is not prioritizing his family and he never will
    via United-Plum1671

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relationships family family drama aita marriage sister reddit thread Reddit mom money unemployed fiancee entitled people
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