‘He asked me why I wasn’t helping financially. I answered honestly’: Oldest daughter refuses to help her brother pay parents' mortgage after being raised by her grandmother, explaining she does not feel she owes them

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Dec 1, 2025 7:00 AM EST

Usually, there is a lot to be said for helping aging parents, especially when everyone is trying to keep a roof over a shared family home. In plenty of families, it feels natural to pitch in when people who raised you start to slow down. Here, the story is different from the foundation up. The person being asked to help is the one who was raised by a grandmother, told in writing not to ask her own parents for school money, and who has already spent most of adult life standing on their own.

Siblings see someone stable and child-free and assume there is extra cash lying around. From their side, splitting a sub-2k mortgage three ways while all living there feels like a joint project, so adding one more sibling to the mix just seems fair. The problem is that the sibling they want help from never got that same home base, never had a room in that house, and remembers soy sauce on the only school uniform and talks of being shipped abroad to "dance" instead of going to class. Asking that person to now fund the comfort of the very people who made childhood harder lands differently.

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  • AITA for refusing to financially support my parents and explaining why when my brother asked?

    A man an a woman sitittng on a couch having a tense argument, both looking frustrated as they discuss a serious family issue. with a quote: "I've been completely on my own. I don't feel responsible for supporting our parents now"
    via fizkes

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I (38F) have been living in a different state from my family for over 10 years.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • I've supported myself the entire time and rarely asked anyone for help. I didn't grow up with my parents, my grandmother supported and raised me, and I never had a close relationship with them.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Last year, I went on vacation with my siblings. During the trip, I found out that my youngest brother (29M), who makes the most money out of all of them, has been paying the mortgage and most of our parents' living expenses.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • He asked me why I wasn't helping financially. Since he asked directly, I answered honestly. I told him that our parents didn't support me growing up, and that I still remember when my grandmother asked me to write them a letter requesting financial support for my education.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • My mom wrote back to my grandmother saying she should teach me not to ask them for money because what my dad earned was "just enough" for them and my three siblings.
    via WorriedRadish111

  • It is understandable that the brother feels pressure and wishes the load was lighter. It is also understandable that the sister looks at her history and says no. Both things can be true at once. Choosing not to subsidize parents who did not really parent is not a rejection of the idea of family responsibility in general. It is a boundary built to fit this specific past, not some grand statement that no one ever owes their parents anything.

  • A man an a woman sitittng on a couch having a tense argument, both looking frustrated as they discuss a serious family issue.
    via fizkes

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My grandmother let me read that letter, which I don't think my mom knows. I told my brother that I contributed financially when we immigrated and that I paid rent when I lived with them for two years.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • I also used whatever money I earned to help support my grandmother, who actually raised me, until she passed away.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • After I moved to a different state, I've been completely on my own with zero financial help.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Because of that history, I didn't feel responsible for supporting our parents now. Apparently, my brother told my mom.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • She confronted me via text and accused me of being "disrespectful" as a child. I explained my side and the experiences that shaped my feelings.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • She mentioned times she believes I was disrespectful, including verbal and physical conflicts. I explained that these incidents didn't happen in isolation and were often triggered by her actions, such as trying to persuade my grandmother to send me somewhere to dance for money or deliberately ruining my school uniform by putting soy sauce on it.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • I told her she had not treated me like a mother should when I was growing up.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • The conversation didn't go well, and afterward my mom stopped talking to me. Eventually, the rest of my family did too.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Now I'm basically no contact with all of them. I feel like I told the truth and set a reasonable boundary, but somehow I'm the one who ended up alone.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • AITA for refusing to help financially and explaining my reasons when asked? INFO: 1. So just to clarify: My siblings paying most of my parents' mortgage isn't actually a hardship, the cost is split three ways between two brothers and one sister, and they all still live in my parents' home.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • I've never lived there and don't even have a room in that house, so I'm being asked to contribute to a household I was never part of.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Their mortgage is under $2k, which is cheaper than what most people pay for rent right now.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • My siblings divide that amount based on income, my brother pays the most, and the other two split the rest.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • They also split utilities and groceries. My parents also receive fixed income from Social Security, which they use to travel back and forth between two countries.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • They're not struggling; they simply want to keep their same lifestyle without adjusting their spending. I'm married, and we don't have kids yet.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • My husband and I set up our finances so either one of us could cover all household expenses alone if necessary.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • That's intentional for if I get pregnant, I'd be able to stop working for a while without financial issues.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • My parents and siblings see that stability and assume it means I have "extra" money to give them, basically because my husband could support me.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Realistically, they could sell their house and make a significant amount of money, which would easily support their retirement back in my home country.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • My siblings are in their late 20s and early 30s, so they're fully capable of moving out, renting their own places, and building their own independent lives if they wanted to.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • But that's not what they're choosing to do. Living together is simply cheaper for everyone involved, and it benefits all of them.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • That's their choice, but it doesn't mean I'm required to subsidize it. So no, I don't think I'm the asshole in this situation, which is why it's confusing to be treated like I am.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • 2. Soy sauce was the most accessible thing for her to use because it was one of our main seasonings at
    via WorriedRadish111
  • When I was a teenager, school meant everything to me, it was my escape, and the only path I saw toward a better future.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Damaging my uniform wasn't random; it was the easiest and most effective way for her to hurt me.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • It was a big deal too because I only had one uniform which means I hand wash it as soon as I get home then let it air dry overnight and wake up early in the morning to iron it.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • I basically had to hand wash it and dry it using an iron just to make it to school that day.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • Think of it like someone deliberately pouring red wine on a wedding dress, it's meant to destroy the one thing they know matters most to you.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • 3. Yes, during that time, "going abroad to dance" is often used as a cover to lure girls into trafficking.
    via WorriedRadish111
  • It's presented as legitimate work, but many end up exploited once they get there. I hope that helps clarify it.
    via WorriedRadish111

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family drama inheritance brother mother tradition siblings grandma family feud favoritism mortgage sister grandmother Father
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