Son and daughter-in-law announce they will spend Christmas Eve with his parents and Christmas Day with her parents indefinitely; his parents beg for them to alternate every year: 'The implication is that we will never host them on Christmas Day.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Dec 6, 2025 11:00 AM EST

Situations like this are why people hate the holiday season.

The holidays are the perfect time to make your family feel guilty about not spending enough time with you. After all, why enjoy the togetherness of Thanksgiving and Christmas? It's so much more fun to sigh and moan about how life could be like this every weekend if your kids would simply move closer to you. 

In all seriousness, it's challenging to make everyone happy during the holidays. If you spend too much time with your family, the season might end with everyone wanting to pull their hair out. If you spend too little time with them, they might make you feel guilty for not being around longer. If you're in a family where everyone is insecure and likes to pick fights, you might feel like you can do no right, especially at times of the year that are supposed to be "special." If your family is well-adjusted, they probably won't care that you wrapped mom's birthday present in blue paper instead of purple paper. But not everyone comes from a secure family. 

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  • A man and a woman sitting next to a Christmas tree
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The parents in this story are angry that their daughter-in-law's parents get to spend Christmas Day with their son and her every year for the foreseeable future. While it's common for families to switch off which in-laws they're spending the holidays with, this situation is definitely not worth fighting about. 

  • Am I the bad guy for asking my newly married son and daughter-in-law to alternate Christmas Day visits between our house and the in-laws' house?

    My son got married this past fall, and my wife and I are thrilled for him and his wife (DIL). They are wonderful and we are genuinely supportive of them creating their own life and traditions. I am also very much in the camp of once you get married, your wife becomes your primary family and the parents are immediately relegated to second tier.
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  • They informed us that their "new tradition" will be to spend Christmas Eve with us and then spend Christmas Day morning together before going to the DIL's parents' house for the rest of Christmas Day (lunch/dinner/etc.).
    via u/Llih_Nosaj
  • My wife and I were honestly somewhat hurt by this. While we appreciate getting Christmas Eve, the implication is that for every Christmas going forward, we will never host them on Christmas Day, while her parents will always have them on the day itself. We
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  • feel this arrangement is inherently unfair and diminishes our role in their new holiday traditions. And we aren't even talking about grandkids yet but if/when they come this is going to become exponentially worse.
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  • A baby in a Santa hat
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • We know it's not practical for them to visit two houses on Christmas Day, but we want to gently push back and propose an alternating schedule:
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  • Proposal: Year 1: Christmas Eve with us / Christmas Day with DIL's family. Year 2: Christmas Eve with DIL's family/Christmas Day with us.
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  • A house with Christmas lights
    via Gautam Krishnan

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My question is: Is it reasonable for us to push back on their initial plan and suggest this alternating schedule? If so, how can we best communicate this to them without sounding demanding or unsupportive? We want to maintain a good relationship, but we also feel it's important to establish a fair balance now before the tradition is set in stone.
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  • Thank you for any neutral perspectives or advice, especially from those who have been the parent or the adult child in this situation.
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  • EDIT to clarify - My son is one of four adult siblings. My DIL is one of three adult siblings.
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  • Major_Zucchini5315 My biggest issue with this is that you've said "push back" a few times. You can push back if someone asks your opinion or asks you to do something, but you can't really push back in this situation. You can let them know how you feel but if you handle it the wrong way you may lose Christmas Eve as well.
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  • OP Llih_Nosaj Of all the contrary comments, this one hits true. You are absolutely correct. I don't want to 'push back' - that is exactly what I don't want to do and I appreciate you pointing that out. I want to have a conversation. Thanks,
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  • Vegetable_Tip_5155 IF%&#ing HATE HOLIDAYS precisely because of this! I always wanted to spend the entire Eve and Day at home. I hated being out on the streets driving among the drunk drivers, most especially after having children. We had to go see the grandparents, then the great- grandparents. That was four houses, sometimes in one night. The pressure parents put on their adult children with their own family, makes the holiday season a burden. Her parents get the "win", you get the "loss". Ever
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  • New-Food-7217 INFO: do you celebrate with your other children on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or both? Does she have married siblings that maybe can only come on Christmas Day? Rather than asking them to alternate, I would start with asking why they chose to do it this way. If there is a logistical scheduling reason they made this decision I would drop it, if not you can gently ask but don't push.
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  • Awkward Pudding_9737 You're allowed to gently ask and that would not make you an AH. And they are allowed to (respectfully) say no. And that would not make them AHS. You reaction following the possible "no" is what determines your AH status in this situation. Be prepared for the no and then process it, let it go and focus on making your Christmas eves the best possible family time. And know that if/when they have kids, everything will change again and everyone may need to go to them at least for
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  • LeastInstruction2508 I spend Christmas Eve with my mom and Christmas day with his family. It works really well and TBH we usually have more fun on Christmas Eve because we're not exhausted from waking up so early. I wouldn't make this a hill to die on.
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  • Loud_Classroom5334 I mean you can ask, but they can say no too. And why don't you go visit them? Why always make them come to you? The door works both ways
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  • ocirot Funnily enough, Christmas Eve is the most important Day of the holidays where I live. Either way, you can ask about it, but ultimately they are adults that make their own choices. Could you maybe make the Christmas Eve feel just as special? I mean, why shouldn't you celebrate Christmas the day before if that's what you want?
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  • Inevitable_Pie9541 Guilt-tripping to get your way, and initiating a competition between families as to who gets the "better" part of the Christmas holiday is a recipe for resentment and alienation. It's also not up to you to decide a holiday schedule that other people are to adhere to and set it in stone, 5 minutes after your son is married. And projecting wildly about not getting the access to potential grandkids on exactly the day you want, the way you want, is a bad plan. A tug of war has a w
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  • manna29 i think youre making the names of the holidays more important than they are. youre getting two meals the inlaws are getting two meals. relax. it's all christmas.
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  • Behold TheseComics You don't get to decide what a "fair balance" is because you aren't the one doing the balancing. You're only focused on your half right now I think it would be really shitty to say "we heard what you said and here's an alternative proposal" It's your kid, not your coworker/boss/etc.
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christmas family drama daughter in law married life unfair couples fair dad in laws newly weds mom adult children holidays son christmas eve parents
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