‘I'm not doing a family Christmas with my ex’: Ex wants to keep Christmas trip to boyfriend’s family’s home days after breakup, but he refuses to play house right before his deployment

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Dec 12, 2025 3:00 PM EST

Breaking up before Christmas isn't really the way to be jolly and have a fun holiday season, but staying together for one last family trip is pure emotional slapstick. He is active duty, practical to the core, and just ended a six-year relationship that has been running on guilt and arguments instead of love. The plan was to wait until the new year, make a clean exit before deploying, but life doesn't always stick to the schedule. One tense talk later, everything is out in the open, and the breakup is official.  

The problem is the timing. The tickets are bought, the bags are half packed, and his ex is still trying to assemble a Hallmark holiday out of the ashes. She wants to show up to his family's Christmas with the kids and pretend nothing happened, like Santa is still coming to save the relationship. The thought of standing around the tree, smiling through polite small talk while everyone clinks cider, sounds like the kind of psychological endurance test the military never prepared him for. 

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  • AITA for refusing to go on a family Christmas trip with my ex days after breaking up?

    Man sitting pensively in front of a decorated Christmas tree, looking stressed and deep in thought
    via F01 PHOTO

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I (M, active duty military) just ended my 6-year relationship with my girlfriend. We're not married but live together on base with her two kids from a previous relationship.
    via nubyiless
  • I've been unhappy for a long time but kept trying to make it work out of guilt and obligation.
    via nubyiless
  • The attraction is gone, we fight constantly over small things, and I've realized I don't want this life.
    via nubyiless
  • I'm deploying in April, so I planned to tell her in early March (about a month before) so she could move out while I'm gone and the kids could finish the school year stable.
    via nubyiless
  • But she kept sensing something was off and getting passive aggressive. Yesterday she pushed for us to talk, and I told her the truth that I'm not happy and I don't want to try anymore.
    via nubyiless
  • She's devastated. Here's where I might be TA: We had plane tickets to visit my family for Christmas, me, her, and the kids.
    via nubyiless
  • Young couple argues on the sofa at home during christmas, surrounded by festive decorations and lights, showing signs of anger and stress despite the holiday spirit
    via Zamrznuti tonovi

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • She already told my mom and her family about the breakup yesterday. Now she wants us all to still go on the trip together.
    via nubyiless
  • I offered that she and the kids can still go, or I'll visit my family separately during my pre-deployment leave.
    via nubyiless
  • But I'm not doing a family Christmas with my ex. I feel terrible because I know I hurt her and this does affect the kids' holiday.
    via nubyiless
  • But I also think what she's asking is completely unreasonable. AITA for refusing to go on this trip?
    via nubyiless
  • TheWidowAustero2 NTA. You have broken up and this has changed. Maybe see if she can take her kids somewhere else for a little vacation? Who knows. But this is why it's not a great idea to bring little kids into relationships that lack real commitment.
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless Yeah I guess that's the difficulty of jumping in as a first time step parent. You really don't know what you're getting yourself into. Or at least I didn't.
    via nubyiless
  • FoxySlyOldStoatyFox Text message: "Mother, I will stay with her. On one condition. I just need you to tell me that you don't care about my happiness. Tell me that I have to stay in a relationship which isn't working, because I have a lifelong duty to raise the kids my girlfriend had with her ex. Tell me that you don't care about me, only my ex and her kids, and that you care more about them than me. I don't want any other BS - text that message or get the fuck over it." After which, you'll know
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless Honestly what it feels like at this point.
    via nubyiless
  • Boo-Bo097 If you're in on-base housing and she trashes the place moving out while you're deployed, you're going to be footing the bill. You need to get her out and get her base access rescinded before you leave. It sucks for her kids but do not put yourself in a position to be responsible for what she does while your gone.
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless I hadn't really run that scenario in my mind thanks for the tip. I don't know if I can just try to evict them before the school year is even over though.
    via nubyiless
  • Obvious-Block6979 You have not mentioned what your parents think about this. I'm happy to entertain my son's wife when he's deployed, (we love her), but if they were broken up not so much (I have to choose my child first). Also hosting kids you may never see again just creates more emotional connections. Are they expected to buy gifts and act like grandma and grandpa when the relationship is actually over? You don't want to live the lie, you don't want to live the lie, no one else should have to
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless They love her and the kids and I'm pretty villainized for attempting to ruin Christmas. My mom wants me to go to, "not be another father abandoning them". It's really a mindfuck for me which is why I made this post. I'm at a loss.
    via nubyiless
  • houseoflick1 That does suck. Sure. But this is terrible advice from your mom. This whole sacrifice yourself for the kids is really old fashioned. Save yourself. You don't owe HER a Christmas. But 6 years with the kids... are you the only dad they know? It doesn't sound like your ex would be open to it from this brief explanation, but you can still have a relationship with the kids without having a relationship with her. No you probably can't take them to your parents for Christmas without her, b
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless Their father is alive and well. Doing so well that she hasn't pressed him for visitation, child care, or child support. Part of this entire mess but that's off topic. I will never date someone with children again.
    via nubyiless
  • pmousebrown I wouldn't let her go with her kids to visit your family, she wants to make a last ditch effort to save the relationship and it's going to ruin Christmas for everyone. Let her spend Christmas with her family. You spend Christmas with your family. Talk to your commander to see if there is a way you can separate and they can stay in base housing until the school year ends. Since you've already had the conversation about separation, there's no way you can live together for three months
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless I'm already trying to arrange to live in the barracks until I leave.
    via nubyiless
  • mocha_lattes_ How is she living on base with her kids? Military doesn't just let girlfriends or boyfriends live on base. You have to be married for them to qualify to live on base housing with you. Even if she is military they still wouldn't allow you guys to live together like that in base housing.
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless I rate BAH as an E5 that's qualified with their platform's warfare device and an EP eval.
    via nubyiless
  • New-Rutabaga3166 Rage bait. No way you got base housing for a woman and kids who are not legally yours or married too Try again
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless I've explained it in a few other comments. I don't know if you're currently serving or on what base but you should know, 1) that you don't have to be married to rate BAH and 2) that many bases are offering housing slots to anyone affiliated to with the base, even civilian contractors who have never served.
    via nubyiless
  • Street-Leather-6932 Just curious: how are her and her kids living with you on post? In my experience, military housing rules define dependents as spouses and children, not unmarried partners. All of the singles I've known (for over 60 years of living on and off base) have had to live off base because dependents are also what drives your BAH. Have the rules changed that much? My husband retired a few years ago so, perhaps rules changed (and quarters weren't privatized when we were on post). But e
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless They are privatized on CPen. There are 2 that I know of on this base that run housing and they authorize for anyone that works or has tired to the base to rent, retiree's, contractors, whoever. I rate BAH as a single SM due to a few different circumstances but I am able to use that to rent a house on base. I lucked out and got a bigger house that I actually rate so we've been comfortable.
    via nubyiless
  • mocha_lattes_ Guess shit has changed then. Even officers couldn't have non married or non related people living with them like this. You had to be married or you were shit out of luck. You wanted to live with a gf or bf you had to live off base.
    via nubyiless
  • OP nubyiless Yeah on base housing is open to anyone that can pay it and is affiliated with the base. I think even without bah I could have done this.
    via nubyiless

  • He offers her the fair option. She can take the tickets, go with the kids, and enjoy the trip. He will visit separately on his own time. Calm, clean, straightforward. But she wants the performance, not the peace. The poor guy just wants to skip the fake togetherness and avoid becoming the leading man in a holiday romance that has already rolled credits. Romance is gone, the mission is over, and the only gift left to give is honesty.

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boyfriend christmas break up ex girlfriend advice red flags dating
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