In-laws snub woman's cooking at every family potluck, she refuses to bring anything to future gatherings: 'Every time the whole dessert ended up in the trash'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Dec 26, 2025 9:00 AM EST

Food is supposed to be something that brings people together, but that isn't always the case.

In fact, it can easily be used as a means of conflict and exclusion. Weaponizing what you cook and eat is an all-too-common phenomenon, and it is big family gatherings like birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas where it is most likely to happen. As if there wasn't enough potential for drama, what happens in the kitchen and at the dining table only adds to it.

Of course, those who host and contribute to these kinds of celebrations should be conscientious of the preferences and needs of everybody who is attending. That is just a display of basic consideration. It can sometimes be impossible to make everybody happy, but it is making the effort that counts (as well as trying not to respond to any provocation). 

Unfortunately, when people have decided that they want to make a point with food, it can turn out to be difficult to resolve. Almost always, it represents some kind of underlying issue that they have decided is best expressed in this way. This can prove upsetting and confusing, but it is not something that anybody should have to put up with.

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  • a woman in a red sleeveless dress holds a pumpkin pie
    via Alexander Grey

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The protagonist of this story has decided exactly this after she continually faced some strange behavior when attending her husband's family's potlucks. As they were a very large family, most of their get-togethers involved cooking like this, and everybody brought something. 

    Trying to fit in, the woman had brought along home-cooked desserts that ended up being ignored every time by every single member of the family. She then switched to beverages, which nobody was willing to touch. Hurt and confused, she felt like she had to give up making a contribution whenever she and her husband attended these celebrations. She wanted to know if she was in the wrong.

  • Am I wrong for never bringing food to potluck?

    I have a few "family secret” recipes that have always been a huge hit at potlucks. Back home, people looked forward to them, raved about them, and practically begged me to bring them. I know my food is good, really good. Then I moved away, got married, and met my husband and his family.
    via bellsbbells
  • His family is enormous. Like, their family tree is less a tree and more of an orchard. Because of that, every gathering is potluck-style, never an organized meal, everyone brings something.
    via bellsbbells
  • So for my first thanksgiving with them, I brought my famous upside-down pumpkin pie. And this massive family refused to touch it. Not a single slice. I brought the entire pie home. There was one year a family member brough a friend from work who tried my pie and she was delighted, she loved the recipe! And despite raving loudly over how tasty the pie was, no one from the family tried it. The next year, same thing. Every time the whole dessert ended up in the trash because it was just me and my h
    via bellsbbells
  • bird's eye view of several hands holding spoons reaching to take food from a selection of plates on a table
    via Alonso Reyes (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • So I switched it up! one year I made my family's secret cheesecake recipe. This cheesecake is so good that even my husband, who is the pickiest eater alive, loves it. Word had apparently gotten around that I was bothered by everyone ignoring my food. That year, I noticed one single slice taken out of the cheesecake. Except, when I went to clean up I found that slice in the trash. The plate was face up and I could clearly see that not a bite was taken out of that slice. Again, I had to throw the
    via bellsbbells
  • After that, i tried bringing anything else. Soda? No, they went on a soda run to get their own. Coffee? Nope! This family drinks coffee like fish drink water. And I didn't cheap out, I bought fancy French vanilla coffee and name brand liquid creamer, because that's their favorite. Still, no one touched it, MIL verbalized her distain saying something I don't remember now.
    via bellsbbells
  • This has been going on for years. At this point, I avoid the topic entirely and give whatever excuse I can to not bring anything. MIL has learned that if she wants something from us, she messages my husband, because he'll agree to anything. He's aware this is an issue for me, and we've talked about it. He has social disabilities and anxiety, even with his family, that we are working through together. This isn't about him. My question is: AITA for refusing to bring food to potlucks anymore?
    via bellsbbells
  • a group of family members, raging from children to elderly, stand in a line wearing aprons and holding plates of food
    via Andrej Lišakov (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Amazing_Reality2980 NTA this sounds like they are personally targeting you. With a crowd that big and not one person eats anything you make at any of the potlucks... I don't know what is going on, but it sounds like a form of organized group bullying. There's no way not one single person eats anything you make in a large group like that unless you're targeted. I think I'd just stop going to the potlucks all together, or any family event for that matter.
    via Amazing_Reality2980
  • OP bellsbbells I am getting to that point. We have not attended thanks giving two years in a row and plan on visiting my home next year too. We can't get away from Christmas tho.
    via bellsbbells
  • fiercequality NTA, but I don't understand why you keep going back there. I'm also willing to bet this isn't the only example of their crappy behavior towards you.
    via fiercequality
  • OP bellsbbells It's not the only example, no.
    via bellsbbells
  • thirdtryisthecharm There is something else going on here. How is your relationship with his family more broadly?
    via thirdtryisthecharm
  • OP bellsbbells MIL has some narcissistic tendencies. His family does not seem to care for me generally. I am cropped out of photos sometimes.
    via bellsbbells
  • CousinEdgar Do you and your husband drink wine? Maybe get a bottle of whatever you like and bring it over. If no one touches it, take it home to enjoy later.
    via CousinEdgar
  • OP bellsbbells We don't drink wine but maybe it's time to start!
    via bellsbbells
  • Isabella-de-LaCuesta They sound like horrible people. But in case part of the story is missing does anyone have a reason to not like or feel comfortable with your cooking and cleaning? This may sound rude but I have a story. A coworker had us all over for a tea party. She was selling loose teas and serving a few samples. Nobody had ever been to her house before. Well she had a bunch of cats in the house climbing all over the cupboards where the treats for us were. She chased them away, but nobod
    via Isabella-de-LaCuesta
  • OP bellsbbells They have no reason other than just not liking me. Furthermore, I have been on their houses and I can tell you it would be hypocritical for them to feel that way about me considering the state of their houses.
    via bellsbbells
  • Slow-Cherry9128 It's obvious that someone, perhaps his mother, is making sure that every single person who comes to the potluck are not allowed to eat or drink anything you bring. It's a bizarre conspiracy that doesn't make much sense. Regardless, I would not bother going to any gatherings on your husband's side ever again. You've spent time and money making your dishes for people who would rather hurt your feelings on purpose. You don't have to see anyone no matter if it was a picnic or Christm
    via Slow-Cherry9128
  • OP bellsbbells MIL did tell everyone about my feelings regarding food being thrown away. The family has no qualms bullying people just because they can.
    via bellsbbells
  • Still Olive8372 There's some reason they are specifically not eating your food. I hate to ask, but is there any way that's related to the cleanliness of your house? Are you living in a hoarder house? Or have more than 3 cats or dogs?
    via Still_Olive8372
  • OP bellsbbells This is deff not a cleanliness issue, their houses are pretty bad. Not to mention I watched my MIL stick her bear finger knuckle deep into some gravy for biscuits and gravy one day. They have NO room to speak about hygienics they are all what ever the opposite of hygienic is.
    via bellsbbells

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family drama cooking husband potluck in laws mother in law family food
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