Boyfriend gets angry at girlfriend for spending the holidays with her family instead of his family: 'Why is your family more important than hers?'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Dec 29, 2025 6:00 PM EST

She'll visit his family once they're engaged or married. For now, they can handle the holidays apart.

Many couples struggle to decide where to spend the holidays. They naturally want to make both sets of in-laws happy, so that might mean visiting one partner's family on Christmas Eve in Cincinnati, and driving all night to see the other partner's family in Cleveland on Christmas. Such an arrangement is unsustainable in the long term, so many couples opt to alternate which set of in-laws they see each holiday. They might spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with hers, alternating each year. That sounds like a pretty reasonable split to me! 

It's trickier to figure out exactly when you start spending the holidays with your partner rather than just your family. If you've been together for less than a year, it might be a little too soon for you to invite your boyfriend to Christmas. If he doesn't have anywhere else to go, that's one thing, but if his mom wants him to come home for Christmas, it won't permanently damage your relationship if you're apart for five days. 

Living in a different city from your parents is tough because you don't get to see them very often. Sometimes Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times you get to go home to see them, and those holidays don't last very long. If you're in your 20s and living away from your parents, it's almost always better to take a longer trip home whenever you can, so you can spend meaningful time with them. After all, they aren't going to be around forever.

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  • The boyfriend in this story thought that his girlfriend would spend Christmas with him and his family. He feels they've reached the point in their relationship where this is standard, but he didn't think to ask his girlfriend whether that was what she wanted. Now, he's mad that she spent Christmas with her family instead of his.

  • Portrait of a happy young woman indoors at home at Christmas holding present
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Am I the bad guy for being upset that my girlfriend chose to spend Christmas with her family instead of mine?

    My girlfriend and I have been together for a while, and this was the first year where Christmas plans actually mattered. My family assumed she would come with me, especially since I'd been talking
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • about it like it was kind of a given. Her family, on the other hand, expected her to stay with them. We never had a big, clear conversation about it, which in hindsight was probably a mistake.
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • Couple enjoying drinks by the window
    via Vitaly Gariev

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • She told me ahead of time that she decided to stay with her family for Christmas. She didn't cancel last minute and she wasn't rude about it. She explained that she's very close with her family and that Christmas is important to them,
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • and that she just wasn't ready yet to change that tradition. I said I understood, and logically I do. Emotionally though, I still felt disappointed. I could tell my family was a bit hurt too, and some comments were made about how it looked like she
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • didn't want to be part of things. I didn't push her or argue, but I also didn't hide that I was a little upset. Now I'm wondering if that reaction was unfair. Part of me feels like it's reasonable to want my partner
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • with me for the holidays. Another part of me knows we're not married, don't live together, and she has every right to prioritize her own family. I'm stuck between feeling let down and feeling like I shouldn't have expected anything in the first place.
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • A portrait of a man with head in hands sitting at home
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • So, am I the jerk for being upset about this?
    via u/nikitaa__1998
  • StudyGeekWithALatte How come you didn't mention going to her families house at all for the holidays-only yours?
    via u/StudyGeekWithALatte
  • No-Consequence3985 YTA. Why is your family more important than hers?
    via u/No-Consequence3985
  • Repulsive_Silver_906 Bruh....aren't you also choosing to spend christmas at your family? What do you have to complain about. Definitely the jerk.
    via u/Repulsive_Silver_906
  • Lanky-Ad-7683 Yes. She is only a GF and you expect her to re-arrange her life for you?
    via u/Lanky-Ad-7683
  • NoAlternative 9113 Yep, YTJ. Why the heck would you expect her to ignore her traditions for yours? Especially without any discussion. Total Jerk.
    via u/NoAlternative9113
  • Defiant_Canary_3971 You are the jerk because you just assume she should spend Christmas with you and your family. If it's so important to you, why didn't you discuss spending the holidays together and where that would be, instead of just assuming she should forgo seeing her family? Why didn't you offer to forgo spending Christmas with your family and ask about spending it together with her family?
    via u/Defiant_Canary_3971
  • Background-Owl6535 How long is 'a while' in your book? 6 months? A year? 10 years? I would say YTA. It's fine to want your SO with you around the holidays but I'm betting y'all haven't been together long enough to start splitting the holidays between her family and yours.
    via u/Background-Owl6535
  • Certain_Opinion3920 Yes. Even if you were married, people are entitled to their own choices. Good to express your interest and respect their decision. Talk about a rotational schedule, or celebrate on different days.
    via u/Certain_Opinion3920
  • CantoLINYC YTA/J. No explanation needed. Your family is not more important than hers.
    via u/CantoLINYC
  • Worth_Raspberry_11 Obviously YTA. You just for some reason assumed with no discussion she would prioritize your family over your own and are upset that of course she didn't when you never even considered choosing to go to her family's celebration over your own. Why should your family be more important to her than her own and why is she the one expected to sacrifice Christmas with her family while you just sit there feeling entitled to keeping yours? You don't have any right whatsoever to be even
    via u/Worth_Raspberry_11

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boyfriend christmas relationships girlfriend in laws family emotional angry
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