20-year-old daughter asks for more freedom while balancing responsibilities, wants a healthier dynamic with her mom: 'I’m trying to grow up here'

Author image for Cata Holmes
Cata Holmes • Writer
Apr 9, 2026 1:45 PM EDT

Growing up at home can feel like living between two worlds, not quite a kid anymore, but not fully seen as an adult either. And sometimes, that in-between space gets complicated fast.

This 20-year-old daughter is trying to take real steps toward independence while still living under her mom's roof, which is where things start to blur. She is contributing financially, handling responsibilities, and doing what was asked of her, yet still feels like the freedom she was promised keeps slipping out of reach whenever the conversation comes up again.

The tension is not about rebellion or pushing boundaries just for the sake of it, but about feeling stuck despite making progress. She is not trying to sneak around or break rules: she is trying to grow into her own life while maintaining respect at home. Still, every attempt to bring it up seems to turn into a bigger issue.

Now she is left wondering if asking for that independence makes her unreasonable, or if this is simply part of the growing pains that come with shifting from being someone's child to becoming her own person. It is a situation many people recognize, even if the details look a little different in every home.

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  • A young woman sits hunched forward, visibly overwhelmed, as her mother sits nearby during a difficult conversation.
    via Unsplash+ (via Curated Lifestyle)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    A young woman sits hunched forward, visibly overwhelmed, as her mother sits nearby during a difficult conversation.

  • AITAH for asking for independence from my mom? I (20F) still live at home with my mom, and lately we've been having ongoing tension about my independence; specifically about driving and seeing my boyfriend of 2 years (20M) he lives. around 4 hours away.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • (I plan on moving in with him in august.) A while back, we had an agreement that if I started paying for my car payment and insurance, I'd be able to drive more freely, including going to my boyfriend's house.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • I held up my end and started paying those expenses, but now it feels like the freedom we talked about isn't actually being given to me.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Whenever I bring it up, it turns into a bigger conversation or gets shut down, and I end up feeling like I'm asking for too much.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • I understand I still live under her roof, but at the same time I'm trying to take on adult responsibilities and feel like I should have some say in my own life, especially if I'm paying for my own car.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • I'm not trying to be disrespectful or sneak around. I just want a bit more independence and consistency with what we agreed on.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable or ungrateful. edit- the car is under my moms name, she bought it for me as a graduation gift, i'm waiting to get the title when we finish paying it off, around the time i'm planning on moving.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • to get my name on the car we'd have to refinance the car AITAH for wanting that independence and bringing it up to her?
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • A young woman lies on her stomach, covering her face with her hands in a moment of quiet frustration.
    via Unsplash+ (via Getty Images)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    A young woman lies on her stomach, covering her face with her hands in a moment of quiet frustration.

  • In the comments, people quickly rallied around her, pointing out that taking on financial responsibility is a clear step toward independence and should come with a bit more trust. Many shared similar experiences of feeling stuck in that in between stage, where you are expected to act like an adult but still treated like a child. Others emphasized the importance of clear boundaries and communication, especially when agreements are involved. Overall, the response leaned supportive, with plenty of encouragement for her to keep advocating for herself while navigating this tricky transition into full independence.

     

  • TexAzCowboy Yes. A parent would be horrified to learn that they didn't raise their children to be adults. No parent wants to hear their adult kid ask permission. We hoped to had instilled more of yourself in you.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Jaded_Leg_46 NTAH Tell your Mother that she doesn't outright own the car while it's still being paid off so you're going to stop the payments you've been making as the agreement is in her name which makes her liable for the payments and that you're going to use what you would be paying to buy a cheap car now that you can sign finance agreements in your own name because it pointless having something that's supposed to be used for independence but when it comes with conditions attatched that's not
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • lun4d0r4 It's your car and your car payment that you are paying... Just take your car and go. She can whinge at you when you get home. NTA. And your mum is headed straight for no contact town if she can't back the h I off and let you human.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • tsidaysi Save your money and buy an estate sale car. Our lovely seasoned senior citizens take very good care of their cars. They know an automobile is the second largest purchase most families ever make. We have given away three estate sale cars. Just to help families out. And they are older so easier and less expensive to repair. The more you do for yourself the more independent you gain. You need a good job somewhere you are transfer to, like Walmart, Amazon, etc, and save your money except to
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Everyonecallsmenice NTA and it sounds like your mother is infantilizing you and being controlling. At 20 you can literally just go do stuff and no one can stop you. She can kick you out of her house, but even then you have rights, such as her having to provide notice of eviction. She can't just put you on the street the moment she decides. That is illegal. In most states the notice period is 30 days.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Ecjg2010 You're NTAH but you need to move out. Until you do move out, these arguments are going to keep happening. Who's name is the car under? If it's under hers, then you habe another issue at hand.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • A tense moment between a daughter and her mother, with the daughter curled up while the mother looks on in concern.
    via Unsplash+ (via Curated Lifestyle)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

    A tense moment between a daughter and her mother, with the daughter curled up while the mother looks on in concern.

  • ireallymissbuffy NTAH "Mom, either you want to set me up for success, or you don't. You aren't going to be around forever. While I obviously hope you live for several more decades, we can't predict the future, so don't you think it's better if I can stand on my own 2 feet? Mom, I'm always going to need your support & guidance. I just think that you need to trust that you raised me to be productive member of society, and I can't be one if I'm still living like a child." You're an adult & you aren
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Yiayiamary NTA. Your mother is backing out of an agreement you made with her. Tell her if she won't uphold the bargain, then why are you paying for a car you can't use freely. Her behavior is either illogical or cruel. Ask her which one applies.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • Leftover_tech "Mom, I'm confused. Wasn't this our agreement?" Here's where you tilt your head and look really puzzled, silently implying that mom CANNOT be going back on her word. LOL
    via Efficient_Piglet6097
  • TheChristianDude101 your mom sounds controlling but its just something you got to deal with until you are truly independent and paying your own bills. Be careful moving in with BF and make sure you have an out or backup plan if it doesnt go well.
    via Efficient_Piglet6097

  • At the end of the day, growing into independence is rarely a smooth or perfectly timed process. It takes patience, honest conversations, and a bit of courage to keep showing up for yourself. Situations like this are not just about rules, they are about learning how to build trust and define your own space. With time and persistence, that balance can shift in a healthier direction.

     

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family drama parents drama reddit story motherdaughter independence reddit thread
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