Female employee starts giving feedback like male coworkers, is called out for being 'harsh': 'I'm not going back to apologizing before every sentence'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jun 8, 2026 10:00 AM EDT

Are men and women expected to act differently in the office?

We all might have ways in which double standards play out in our lives. Maybe people assume things about you just because of the way you look. This can be incredibly frustrating, since you have so much more to offer than just surface-level qualities. You don't want to be underestimated because of something that you can't control. You also don't want to have to constantly monitor the way you're coming across just because of your gender. But sometimes we have unconscious biases that influence our decision-making, and we should do our best to address those. That's what happened in this story, which was shared on the work subreddit. One woman wanted to test out a theory that her work was treating her differently because she was a woman. She saw the way her male colleagues were conducting themselves versus the way she felt like she had to, and she wanted to put her sneaking feeling to the test.

Add as a preferred
source on Google
Advertisement

  • When giving feedback, we might all try to soften the blow, especially if you're a woman. We're expected to be nice and easy and to make everyone feel good all the time, even when we have something negative to say. Giving feedback is a huge part of working collaboratively, and you don't want to have to feel like you're mitigating any of it. If you have a critique, you should be able to say it out loud. That doesn't mean you have to be unkind, but it can mean that you want to cut to the chase. We're allowed to be efficient in our feedback giving, especially when other people seem to do that without issue. The woman in this story tried doing that in the same exact way that her male colleagues were doing. She even took exact phrasing from them and tried to implement it herself. But the reception that she got was much different. Scroll on to see the way it played out here and see what you think about it.

  • VE
    via Vitaly Gariev

    A woman sits at a table with her colleagues, having a discussion

  • I started giving feedback like the men do and apparently I'm being "harsh"

    im a woman in my late 20s. working in a corporate environment, pretty established in my career but not in management yet. i used to give feedback in our retros and team meetings in a really soft way, "i wonder if maybe we could try" and "this is just a thought but" and stacking three apologies before the actual point. i thought it was being collaborative but i was starting to realise it was making my actual ideas land softer than they should.
    via Ambitious_Bat_2170
  • i took a page out of my male colleagues book. he gives feedback in retros with no padding at all, "this didnt work, heres why, lets change it for the next sprint." nobody bats an eyelid, in fact they call him "direct" and "focused." so i started doing the same, said exactly the same kinds of things. in the same tone.
    via Ambitious_Bat_2170
  • my manager pulled me aside and said i was being "harsh" in team meetings and that "people were finding it hard to hear" what i was saying.
    via Ambitious_Bat_2170
  • i listed off the exact phrases id used and the exact phrases my male colleague had used in the same week. they were almost word for word, hes literally the one i was copying. my manager went a bit quiet and said "well it just lands differently when its you." we are apparently a company that cares about sexism in the workplace.
    via Ambitious_Bat_2170
  • anyway, have a day. im not going back to apologising before every sentence just because im a woman.
    via Ambitious_Bat_2170

  • Commenters sympathized with this all-too-common complaint.

    Reasonable_Sun9171 your manager went quiet because there was nothing to say, the receipts were right there, screenshot that conversation and keep it for the next "we value inclusion" all hands.
    via Reasonable_Sun9171
  • Cheezburger Image 10636688896
    via Vitaly Gariev

    A woman explains something to her male colleagues around a table

  • FootSuitable2288 "well it just lands ifferently when its you" should be on a poster in HR, what a thing for a manager to actually say out loud.
    via FootSuitable2288
  • Trondant13 It's very sad that a woman giving her opinion makes her ab, but a man giving an opinion makes him assertive. It's infuriating.
    via Trondant13
  • T140V At my first job as a junior programmer back in 1984, the Chief Programmer was a woman, easily the best technical manager I ever worked for. She had a sign on her desk: "To be thought half as good as a man, a woman has to perform twice as well. Fortunately this is not difficult."
    via T140V
  • my4floofs Yeah don't you know your female so your not supposed to make anyone fell bad.
    via my4floofs
  • It more likely a reaction to your style changing abruptly. I did the same thing and had the same reaction and had to walk it back. Which sucked. So now I decide project by project how I am going to present myself. New group you know
    via my4floofs
  • nothing about? All business and direct. A tight group that works well gets a slightly softer approach. Use copilot or Grammarly to check your tone Am currently trading copilot to make my comms written more like a man. It deletes all the please and thank yous and filler words.
    via my4floofs
  • FYI I'm a manger of 8 people of an international company with over 500 locations and over 35 years experience and I am STILL finding my style. Best of luck to you.
    via my4floofs
  • Leticia Padilla Solis_ This happened to me once I started moving up at my last employer. When I started giving it back just like male colleagues I was immediately told I needed to work on my soft skills.
    via LeticiaPadillaSolis_
  • Good thing I kept all their past transgressions saved as screenshots in my OneNote. Didn't hesitate to show those off. Plus I always had facts and numbers they couldn't talk their way out of which p ed them off even more.
    via LeticiaPadillaSolis_
  • Complete Shake_3056 the in between of stacking three apologies and his blunt style is where most senior women land, find the middle that still sounds like you, dont give them ammo to call it "harsh"
    via Complete_Shake_3056
  • daisiesarepretty2 to be fair if you establish yourself as kind and considerate and then start leading with harsh and direct why wouldn't that be noticed? here is what i would suggest... and that's all this is..
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • Be you.. and if being you includes a gentler opening then do so. Include the facts. "I think we gave it our best at the time with the info at hand and i understand the rational for said process but i believe it fell short of its intent because of A and B reasons"
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • That is your opening salvo. You say it lands soft, and i assume that means people didn't give your statement due credit or the discussion it deserved. If so, you need to circle around more directly, but without emotion or personal attack.
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • "Wait, i don't think we have addressed points A and B can we discuss these seriously" You need to be ready to back up your points of course because you are demanding to be heard, failure to do so will ding your rep.
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • What has always worried me about modern equality (i am an older man) is that women will start to take the toxic approach which many men do. It works for men because the toxicity often substitutes and glosses over reality and truth. We see
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • that in our f ed up president today. I'd urge you to NOT follow the bro playbook on this. I've had managers/coworkers who took a kind but factual approach and listened to rebuttals, politely. If this fails, doesn't get the attention they feel is
    via daisiesarepretty2
  • appropriate, come back harder. You learn the pattern and understand the consequences. Naturally you do need to pick your battles, cherry pick those you think are important and can be won and know when and who to rebuke publicly.
    via daisiesarepretty2

Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.

Tags

boss antiwork job work coworkers working toxic-boss workplace reddit thread bad bosses toxic-work-environment
Scroll Down For The Next Article