Mother argues with family members over going to a funeral for a distant family member she doesn't even visit, or her daughter's dance recital: 'I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital.'

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Jun 21, 2026 3:15 PM EDT

Very distant family member's funeral or your kid's dance recital?

Blended families can be hard sometimes. There is some kind of expectation floating around that you have to love the blended part of the family the same as the one you are biologically related to, and usually that is very possible to achieve, but not always. It is hard for some people to pretend they care that much for people who aren't biologically related to them, especially when no emotional bond was ever built with them. In those cases, is it really necessary to pretend? There are people that we like and people that we don't, pretending we like everyone the same, just because they are family, seems very hypocritical.

In this Reddit story, a mom is forced to choose between going to her father's mother-in-law's funeral, whom she explained they don't usually visit or have a relationship with, or going to her daughter's dance recital. There wasn't really a choice to make. She had decided from the beginning that she preferred her kid's activity over anything else. Her father was quite understanding at first, thinking she was going to come to the funeral alone and was just explaining the absence of the rest of the family, but that was not really the case. The mother wasn't going to go either. She had a previous commitment that she preferred. 
Hearing that someone is putting other people over you is hard, is understandable that the father feels taken aback and the mother-in-law finds it improper, but the truth is that the decision was up to the mother. She is the only one capable of dividing these things for herself. If she prefers to be present at her daughter's dance recital, then there's not much anyone can do. They can be mad at each other all they want, but that won't change the mother's choice in the matter. 
 

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  • 01
    Model image of a girl dancing in a theater
    via Ahmad Odeh

    Model image of a girl dancing in a theater 

  • 02
    My daughter (5yo) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 03
    Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife's mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 04
    I'll be honest, I didn't want to go. I didn't have a close relationship with my father's mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most. But I wouldn't mind attending if it weren't for my daughter's recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn't be possible to attend both.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 05
    I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn't be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn't take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn't just tell my daughter's dance studio that there had been a "family emergency."
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 06
    In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own. They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter's events when I'm there for everything else wouldn't be a big deal, and that she's so young that she probably wouldn't remember it anyway. She'd have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once. I stood my ground.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 07
    Saturday came. I attended my daughter's dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 08
    My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren't there to say our goodbyes. He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I'd been of his wife and her family, and he couldn't believe I'd refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 09
    I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it. My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do.
    via RecitalFuneralThrow
  • 10
    A car carrying a casquet with flowers, model image.
    via tophuafu

    A car carrying a casquet with flowers, model image. 

  • 11
    Stairowl I don't want to say your an AH exactly, but depending on your relationship with your dad and his wife.... You weren't very nice to them. Funerals aren't for the de d. They are for the living loved ones who are suffering the loss.
    via Stairowl
  • 12
    Now, it sounds like that's not you. Which is fine. I have distant relatives that I've been fairly indifferent about when they passed. But, if you have a good relationship with your dad (and everything I wrote below hinges on the idea that you do), you should go to the funeral when he's asks to SUPPORT HIM while he grieves. It sounds like he really wanted you
    via Stairowl
  • 13
    there and it added to his hurt that you refused to attend. With that being said, I agree that you should always seek to keep commitments you make to your children, but there are going to be times when you can't. This could have been a good opportunity for you to teach your child a somewhat complicated lesson about
    via Stairowl
  • 14
    when it's ok to break a commitment and the value in showing up for others when they are in need. If your children don't learn that sometimes the best played plans go sideways because of events beyond their control, they can become very ridged and unforgiving in their approach to life.
    via Stairowl
  • 15
    I want to finish by saying that I lost my dad unexpectedly earlier in the year and since then I've been pondering some of the smaller details of our relationship. I can imagine if I was in the situation you described here, I'd be beating myself up a little for shunning his bid for support and understanding.
    via Stairowl
  • 16
    AffectionateSmoke777 Funerals are for the living. You go to support your loved ones who are still on this earth. If you don't have a close relationship with your dad and his wife I totally understand not going. But if you overall have a good relationship with your dad and his wife I think you made the wrong decision. Grief is hard and when you feel the people you care about don't care about you in return it just amplifies the grief.
    via AffectionateSmoke777
  • 17
    persephone-456 Slight Y T A. I, actually, think it's fine for you to miss the funeral, but it sounds like you didn't make any effort to show you care. You could have sent flowers or a fruit basket, called your stepmother, sent a nice note about what a great lady your stepmother grandmother was and how you're so sad to miss the funeral, etc. I think if you had put in a little effort to show you care it would've gone a long way.
    via persephone-456
  • 18
    OkRefrigerator6681 NTA is she "so young that she probably wouldn't remember it anyway", or "old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do."
    via OkRefrigerator6681
  • 19
    Image of what could be a girl´s dance recital
    via kazuo513

    Image of what could be a girl´s dance recital

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family drama choosing funeral dance blended family
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