Bride to be considers not making her lifelong best friend her maid of honour because she didn't defend her when coworker made nasty remarks about the wedding: 'I worry I’m overreacting and 20 years of friendship should outweigh this situation'

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jun 28, 2026 1:00 PM EDT

From maid of honour to regular bridesmaid

The question this soon-to-be bride is asking sounds rhetorical, and I'm sure she will find that out sooner or later, and everyone will enjoy an amazing wedding celebration. In the meantime, we can discuss what makes her nervous and try to distinguish which part comes from the whole pre-wedding nervousness and which part comes from the actual issue being talked about.

Sometimes we're so angry about something we feel the need to make it known through an action, and forget all the 20 years of good things and friendship we have with a person. In such challenging times, I would advise always looking at the bigger picture. What would you do? Do you think a big, angry gesture is the key to teaching this friend some boundaries?

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  • a bride and her bridesmaid laughing together
    via 550 Park Luxury Wedding Films

    Two models representing the future wife and her bridesmaid laughing together

  • AITAH for not making my best friend my bridesmaid because of her coworker?

    I've (27) been best friends (and distant cousins) with Jodie (27) (fake name) for over 20 years, I'm getting married in October of 2027 and had planned on making Jodie my maid of honour which she knows
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  • about already as we've discussed it whilst talking about wedding planning. However lately Jodie has been ranting to me about a coworker (late 50s woman) has at her job that seems to be trying to fill a
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  • motherly? role for her since her own relationship with her mother is strained. Julie also invites herself to Jodie's house for baking/art things and other events around town so they see each other outside of work as well.
    via JimBob-Son-Of-God
  • For context we live in a pretty small town in Australia so everyone knows everything here and being that I am in a same s relationship with my fiancée who is from the UK (where our wedding will be held) we are
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  • especially well known, hence how Julie knows things about my wedding and life. Jodie's coworker, who I'm going to call Julie, is a self described blunt person, who "tells it like it is" and happily says she doesn't
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  • care what people think or hear, this has lead to her having no friendships and coworkers who either avoid her or have had disagreements with her. Recently Jodie has been ranting to me about Julie's behaviour whilst they are
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  • at work, normally it's about how Julie undermines her work by double checking or over explaining, makes comments about her family dynamics, looks, hair and tattoos or recently when Jodie was expressing interest in a
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  • person who appeared to have a crush on her coming into her job Julie commented and said "she doesn't like you like that and you're straight anyway", Jodie is not straight.
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  • I've always been the friend people vent to and this was no different, I've been encouraging Jodie is stand up for herself more but in a workplace friendly way, like politely shutting down hurtful comments and changing the topic, or
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  • mentioning that certain topics upset her and she would like to avoid them. She's not done anything but nod along or try to justify herself, and then come back to me to complain about Julie again.
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  • However a point of contention has become apparent between Jodie and Julie, me. Whenever Jodie mentions that she will be seeing me or hanging out with me, or mentions my wedding
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  • Julie starts ignoring her or being short with her or just generally in a bad mood, this also happens when other people mention me to Jodie as we have been friends for so long people remember.
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  • The behaviour has been escalating and Julie is now making snide comments about my wedding or about me personally and going as far as to make these comments loudly in front of other staff and customers. Saying things
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  • like "you know you don't have to go if you don't want to." and talking about how I shouldn't expect people to come at all since. it's a destination wedding (I know, it's a wedding of 40 people total and
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  • everyone is financially able to come and very excited, most have turned it into a large European vacation for their families but everyone knows there's no hard feelings if they can't come for any reason, we have planned a dinner
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  • locally for anyone who can't make it.) Julie has also called my wedding tacky and said im spending money on something stupid, and said other nasty comments about me. She even
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  • overheard my mother talking to the owner of the business (who has known me since I was born) about the wedding and how excited she is to go and this triggered another round of nasty comments from Julie.
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  • woman with arms crossed frowning
    via Vitaly Gariev

    A photo depicting the petty coworker

  • Jodie has not defended me once, hasn't asked her to stop or even tried to avoid the topic.
    via JimBob-Son-Of-God

  • This might be controversial, but I don’t think our friends are there to defend us, especially if it’s from coworkers, and not from someone with whom they have a more intimate relationship. The writer of this post specifically said that the person making the nasty remarks is a complicated being that’s always saying uncomfortable stuff. I support playing along with those types of coworkers and not confronting them and causing trouble.

  • I am seriously considering just keeping her as a regular bridesmaid and not having a maid of honour since it feels wrong to ask someone who is having play dates with a grown. woman who is speaking so nastily about me behind
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  • my back to stand next to me at the wedding she couldn't be bothered defending. I worry I'm overreacting and 20 years of friendship should outweigh this situation, that I should just
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  • accept that Jodie is going to be friends with Julie and tolerate these comments whilst also having her in her home. Jodie justifies not defending me or herself because Julie has made her thoughtful handmade
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  • gifts for her birthday in the past and they have good moments at work as well. Jodie also feels bad that Julie has no other friendships in her life and comes across as jealous because she sees my friendship with Jodie as
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  • competition to hers. I don't know, it just really hurts my feelings that she's allowing this woman to talk about me like this and still defends her when I say anything about it, sometimes just ignoring what I'm saying and
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  • talking about something else instead. I'd never let someone speak about her like that to me but that's just me and I shouldn't impose that on her.
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  • So I guess I'm asking, would I be the a h le if I dont make Jodie a bridesmaid based on her coworkers comments about me and Jodie's passiveness towards it?
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  • 2 women getting married kissing
    via Sofia Hernandez

    A visual representation of how the ceremony will be if everything works out and she keeps her bridesmaid


  • If she were to make a decision about the bridesmaid thing, I would tell her to concentrate on the friendship itself. Has her friend been there for her for 20 years? Does she trust her with all her heart, even though she is flawed? Does this issue seem small on the grand scheme of things, or is it a dealbreaker for her? Those are the things worth considering, and I’m sort of inclined to think she should make the friend the bride of honour despite this particular issue. What do you think?

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