39 Wildly Accurate Marriage Tweets To Resonate Deeply With Your Soul

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mattstaff
Feb 23, 2019 8:00 PM EST

And if you're not married, this could be your motivation to stay forever alone. 

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  • 01
    Text - Michael Follow @Home Halfway WIFE: I'm so tired of you following rules ME: Oh yeah? *moves hands on steering wheel from 10-2 to 9-3* WIFE: *tears clothes off PULL OVER RETWEETS LIKES 138 520 9:04 AM-3 Oct 2016 138 520
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  • 02
    Water bottle - Swishergirl @Swishergir24 Follow 90% of marriage is just loud cleaning. GA may W5 PLYN DO SZYB
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  • 03
    Supermarket - sm URSULA(s) 3sunzzz Follow My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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  • 04
    Product - MyQuestionableLife e2questionable Follow If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.
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  • 05
    Text - Lord Baconbutt Follow @Gupton68 I hadn't realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.
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  • 06
    Food - AmericanGODO Follow AmericanGent69 Just once I wish when my wife says "we need to talk" she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.
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  • 07
    Footwear - Follow Sara Says Stop OPetrickSara Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life Husband: Shopping at Target isn't a calling. Specal Price 1 $190 t
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  • 08
    Text - Jawbreaker Follow @sixfootcandy I describe my husband's style as "OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?"
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  • 09
    Text - Salamingia @salamingia Follow Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife. We're 7 mins in.
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  • 10
    Text - The Pale Space Rider @truegritrumble Follow WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys. ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going believe this. LIKES RETWEETS 7,268 5,739 8:54 AM-1 Sep 2016 5.7K 7.3K 36
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  • 11
    Text - Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Follow [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump] 5:48 PM - 13 Dec 2015 793 2,355
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  • 12
    Text - Housy Wife @wife_housy Follow Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I'm going to change into something more comfortable takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants
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  • 13
    Text - ke et Follow @KeetPotato accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid" 4:44 PM- 27 Oct 2015 5,015 8,206
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  • 14
    Text - pm y e le Sep 2 Sep e See 9 See m Seean Sep Seee Follow Kent Graham @KentWGraham My wife just replied "Unsubscribe." to my email with U O v Pe GL H . V e B - N Mm .
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  • 15
    Text - Pej A. @pazarm Follow #FridayNights Me: "Are we going out?" Her: "I don't know, what do you want to do" until we fall asleep on the couch #MarriedPeoplelssues 1:24 AM 9 Jan 2016 20 30
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  • 16
    Text - Kent Graham Follow @KentWGraham My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we're very, very good at it. 6:33 PM - 28 Aug 2015 125 243
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  • 17
    Text - Sir Rüb Follow @chocmoney1974 I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."
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  • 18
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicom Jan 2 Wife: "points to 2-year-old* She's eating chips for breakfast Me: I didn't let her. Wife: Me: I was eating them and she overpowered me 17 3 334 2.7K
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  • 19
    Dish - Valerie Follow @ValeeGr Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza
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  • 20
    Text - Betty BoomBoomBetty Follow If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you
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  • 21
    Countertop - StaceyLynne @StaceyLynne_44 Follow "Where does this go?" - my husband cleaning
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  • 22
    Text - Chad Read Follow @squirrel74wkgn [Friday night] Wife: "tells me weekend plans* [Saturday morning] Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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  • 23
    Text - Kalvin @KalvinMacleod 29 Nov 2016 WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you? ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away* 151 386
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  • 24
    Mobile phone - mark Follow TheCatWhisprer 90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I've done something yet.
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  • 25
    Text - Kalvin Follow @KalvinMacleod WIFE: *tightens tie* the shoes really make the man МЕ: WIFE: *tightens tie* ME: WIFE: *tightens tie* ME: *gasping* I'll take off the sandals RETWEETS LIKES 77 225 4:40 PM-27 Dec 2016 1 1 77 225
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  • 26
    Text - eric Follow @ericsshadow WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that ME: "picking kids' coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
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  • 27
    Text - C- Follow @aGreeneyedChic Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY
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  • 28
    Property - 90000000 a geek Galfageeek Follow My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
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  • 29
    Tile - How YOU Doin Follow ejollyrobber The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.
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  • 30
    Text - Slade's SituationTM Follow @Dad_in Brief "Looking for something around the house. Me: Have you seen it? Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs. Me: Ah, thank you *Still has no idea where it is.
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  • 31
    Text - Pete Lynch @PJTLynch Follow Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"? 4:10 AM - 3 Nov 2013 17608 1,115
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  • 32
    Text - Denise Follow @food_shoes_life What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?
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  • 33
    Text - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn Me: I'm so ready for the kids' Christmas pageant. Wife: *confiscates my flask* Me: OK, now I'm ready. Wife: *confiscates my backup flask* RETWEETS LIKES 286 2,708 10:58 AM-22 Dec 2016 27 286 2.7K
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  • 34
    Text - Must Be 18 To Meh Follow @TheAlexNevil The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too. 3:53 AM 12 Apr 2016 157 316
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  • 35
    Text - Maybe She... @CantWaitToNap Follow Husband: "Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?" Me: "Sounds good, I'm starving."
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  • 36
    Text - Simon Holland Follow @simoncholland [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations* 6:21 PM 12 May 2015 724 1,358
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  • 37
    Text - James Breakwell Follow axplodingUnicorn Wife: Beavers mate for life. Me: I wonder how they make it work Wife: They never have to listen to each other eat cereal. Me: "chews more quietly*
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  • 38
    Text - The Glad Stork Follow @The GladStork When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes. 12:51 AM 25 Mar 2013 352 814
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  • 39
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Follow Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries. Wife: Congratulations. [2 hours later] Me: We have nothing to eat in this house. 5:12 PM - 9 Jan 2016 184 354
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