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Horrified Guy's Story About His Bathroom Break With A Scary Guest Ends In Public Humiliation

This rattled guy's story about the bathroom break from hell itself, is made worse by the ensuing dialogue about his bathroom exploits to the rest of his office. His boss sounds like quite the chatterbox. Seems like he learned two lessons: double check those toilets for giant spiders, and keep your private information to yourself, unless you want the rest of the office to know about it. This is a serious TIFU story and I'm pretty sure I'd be traumatized from this. Poor guy. 

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  • 1
    Text - r/tifu u/robbomate S 2 2h NSFW TIFU by not looking before I sat down Floor 8 of the of place my employment, inside the mens' shitter. I'm sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I've just finished the dirty work and I'm about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it's a "paid to shit" thing, dicking around on reddit a bit. At this point I feel something jump onto my balls. Something I had never hoped I would ever experience, let alon
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  • 2
    Text - A huntsman spider has crawled out of the toilet bowl and jumped onto my low hanging fruit. I bat the spider off, smacking myself in the nuts keel over in pain. Spider dead. Good news. My banshee wail has not gone unanswered. Bad news. Someone comes into the bathroom and knocks on the stall door. "Mate are you alright? Have you fallen over? I'll call an ambulance."
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  • 3
    Text - "NO. FINE. EVERYTHING. IS. GOOD. JUST SLIPPED. FINE. NO NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW." I flush the world's smallest sexual predator to try and retain some of my inner pride, wash my hands, and make the very VERY long walk back to my desk. My manager's desk isn't too far from the bathrooms, and he comes up to me afterwards. "What happened in there, is everyone alright?" "Yeah... Everyone's... FINE." >>
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  • 4
    Text - And then I make the dumbest deciscion of my life, and explain to him what had happened. And the audacity of the man; he LAUGHS. He laughs so hard he has to sit down so he doesn't hurt himself. His hyena/kookaburra hybrid laughter has gotten the attention of some of the other members of my team. They're looking to get in on the funny, funny joke. Bossman wheezes "GET... GET HIM TO... TELL THEM HOLY SHIT" And because l'm incredibly susceptible to peer pressure, I tell them. Like a fucking g
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  • 5
    Text - I'm gonna skip past most of the laughter because it went on for what felt like forever. I come back from lunch, and Bossman and two other members of my team come up to me as I'm sitting back down at my desk getting ready to get back to work. Bossman is holding a piece of paper. "Look. We need to have a chat about something. I've brought two of your friends in the team as support since this is obviously not something that's easy to talk about." I am confused.
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  • 6
    Text - "I have a blank HR report here. I'll need you to fill this out. You confided into me that you were sexually harassed in the workplace and it's my duty of care to make sure the 'POOPITRATOR' is brought to justice. Under the space where it says 'which hand did they assault you with', just put x8. We understand this is a traumatic experience for you and I just want you to know that every resource we have is here for you." TL;DR I need to fake my own death because I screamed when a spider jum
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