33 Hilarious Gems From Twitter's Favorite Dad

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Apr 8, 2019 3:00 PM EDT

If you've ever been on our site, chances are that you're familiar with our affection for dad jokesand amusing parenting tidbits. James Breakwell's Twitteris a beautiful amalgam of both. We dare you not to smile at these funky tweets.

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  • 01
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow That awkward moment when you lean over a sleeping kid to see if they're breathing and they open their eyes and you're both scarred for life 7:35 PM - 24 Apr 2017 530 4,301
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 02
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: Put away your toy phone. 6-year-old: I can't. This is my job. Me: Are you making fun of me? 6: Hold on. I have to tweet that. 1:58 PM -3 Mar 2017 t2,203 11,490
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 03
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow reading] Me: The big bad wolf couldn't get in. The house was made of brick 3-year-old: Couldn't he break a window? I'm raising a burglar 2:34 PM -5 May 2016 t2,188 9,141
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 04
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 5-year-old: Want to play house? I'll be Mom and you be you. Me: OK, what should I do? 5: Stand there while I yell at you. 1:15 AM-28 Apr 2016 t1,935 7,710
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 05
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow My daughter's lip is bleeding. None of her sisters know what happened. At least they know the first rule of Fight Club. 3:59 PM - 29 Oct 2016 t2,627 8,340
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 06
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: Why do I always have to share the cookies? Me: If you don't, you won't have any friends. 4: But I will have all the cookies 1:30 PM -2 Sep 2016 t2,304 6,496
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 07
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: Yes. Wife: Did you give them a bath TODAY? Damn. She knows about that loophole. 1:44 PM 30 Apr 2016 t1,560 7,307
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 08
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: Can you come over here, princess? 5-year-old: Dad! I'm too old to be a princess! Me: Then what should I call you? 5: The queen. 3:54 PM -22 Apr 2016 t3,356 9,315
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 09
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: You're standing on thin ice. 3-year-old: I'm standing on the floor. Me: It's an expression. 3: It's carpet. 4:55 PM -5 May 2016 t1,738 7,052
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 10
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow My 2-year-old thinks every guy on TV with a beard is me. We just watched an awesome documentary together about how I freed the slaves. 10:52 PM - 17 Jun 2016 t1,663 8,759
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 11
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow I tossed a scrap of cooked meat on the ground for my dog. My toddler pushed him aside and ate it. She's the alpha of this pack. 10:56 PM - 25 Apr 2016 t2,333 10,790
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 12
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway. 7:43 PM - 29 Jun 2016 1,621 7,651
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 13
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow [at the park] 5-year-old: *cries* Other dad: Aren't you going to ask her what's wrong? Me: You must be new. 8:28 PM - 2 May 2016 t1,072 6,380
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 14
    Text - James Breakwell XplodingUnicorn Follow My 3-year-old hugged me out of the blue and said, "I love you, Dad." If you need me, I'll be searching the house for whatever she broke. 6:07 PM - 2 May 2016 t1,314 7,502
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 15
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: Can l have candy? Me: What did Mom say? 4: No. Me: So why would let you? 4: She's not the boss of you It's a trap 3:37 PM - 25 Jan 2017 t3,201 10,222
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 16
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: There's nothing better than having kids. Childless friend: I can pee alone. Me: *starts crying* 12:42 PM - 29 Apr 2017 591 4,151
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 17
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow My 2-year-old said "night night" and shoved a pillow over my face. There's nothing cuter than attempted murder. 9:36 PM-11 Jun 2016 t1,823 7,432
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 18
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: I met a boy I want to marry. Me: Oh? 4: First I have to grow up a little. Me: That's right. 4: And he has to grow up a lot 9:25 PM -22 Aug 2016 t1,797 7,268
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 19
    Text - James Breakwell XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: I like grandma. She doesn't say words I don't like. Me: Like what? 4: No. 8:32 PM - 21 Apr 2017 t1,033 5,319
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 20
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicor Follow 6-year-old: When I grow up, I want to be a teacher. Me: What kind of teacher? 6: Defense Against the Dark Arts 8:14 PM - 8 Feb 2017 t4,009 16,072
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 21
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie* Me: You can't just skip to the happy ending. 6: I don't have time for problems 2:00 PM - 14 Jan 2017 t7,054 16,516
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 22
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: *cries* Me: What's wrong? 4: My tummy is full, but I want to keep eating. The struggle is real. 1:34 PM - 2 Aug 2016 2,947 7,210
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 23
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: How was school? 6-year-old: Bad, but at least tomorrow is Saturday. Me: Tomorrow is Friday. 6: I thought maybe you wouldn't notice. 8:12 PM - 23 Feb 2017 t1,625 7,596
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 24
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow My 3-year-old called her eyebrows "eye mustaches." I was going to correct her, but instead I upgraded my vocabulary. 1:18 AM 17 May 2016 - t 4,402 11,457
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 25
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: Time for church 5-year-old: I don't want to go. Me: Don't you want to get into heaven? 5: Not if it's like church. 2:27 PM - 24 Apr 2016 3,884 11,401
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 26
    Text - James Breakwell Follow @XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: *cries* Me: What's wrong? 3: Everything. She's finally an adult. 2:03 PM 8 May 2016 - t4,071 8,805
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 27
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 3-year-old: You got lots of letters from your friends. Me: They're bills. They want money. 3: You need better friends. 3:06 PM - 9 May 2016 t4,387 12,369
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 28
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow We went into the basement for a tornado. My 3-year-old thought we were hiding from a tomato. Honestly, that scared her even more. 12:13 PM 2 May 2016 t 3,617 12,727
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 29
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: *shows me her painted fingernails* Are you mad? Me: Why would I be mad? 4: I'm prettier than you 9:46 PM - 26 May 2016 t1,900 7,365
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 30
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow In case you wondered what it's like to raise 4 daughters, I had to settle a heated fight over whose turn it was to ride an imaginary dolphin 12:55 PM - 22 May 2016 t2,313 10,413
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 31
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow 4-year-old: Can I use your office chair? Me: I'm using it. 4: You're not spinning Me: I don't want to spin. 4: You're using it wrong 4:57 PM - 14 Mar 2017 t1,568 6,856
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 32
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Random Internet Guy: You're not famous for making good content. You're only famous for having cute kids. Me: To be fair, I made them, too. 3:49 PM - 5 Mar 2017 t706 8,474
    via SkiipskiPotatoes
  • 33
    Text - James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Follow Me: Someday, you'll have feelings for boys. 6-year-old: I already have feelings for them. Me: Really? 6: They make me mad. 6:15 PM - 25 Aug 2016 t 2,935 7,300
    via XplodingUnicorn

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twitter kids dad jokes cute parenting funny tweets funny twitter funny children
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