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Thirty-Nine Clever Tweets Filled With Ample Wit

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    Cat - chaotic useless @caninesurprise Replying to @ellle_em this one isn't quite peak yawn but it's my favourite one because it looks like he's going "wazzaaaaaa" which brings me great joy #CatDoesAScrem 3:12 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Ryan Schumaker @YesThislsRyan I watched The Irishman with my parents. My dad was silent the whole time except when De Niro's truck broke down and he said, "must be the transmission." He didn't say anything else for the rest of the movie 10:21 AM · 12/2/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Alex Padron @Juan_turks_ T used to be excited about going out for $2 drinks on Tuesday night. Now, I'm enthusiastic about buying $1 tacos. #adulting 7:00 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet I was feeling down, so I called my wife from work. To cheer me up, she put our 3yo on the phone and asked him to "Sing for Daddy." Next I heard a goofy toddler sing-song voice: "I The hills are alive, with the sound of music...AHHH-AH-AH- AARGHH" She was right It WORKED. 7:26 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Think you are chill and laid back? Watch your kid build and decorate a gingerbread house without intervening. 8:35 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Canidae - WeRateDogs® O @dog_rates This is Jackson. She runs outside every time she hears a coconut fall off the tree. They're her favorite thing in the world. 13/10 : Zoe Gregoric 5:02 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Drunk Santa @SantasDrink There's no need to tell a girl that doesn't smile that they need to smile, they're already mad at the world. Do you want them mad at you too? This advice was free, Merry Christmas. 8:21 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix I love replies from other people when I complain about the New England weather. Me: Got a foot of snow today. Person in California fleeing wildfire: hahaha sucks to be you it's 430 degrees here! 5:47 AM 12/3/19 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - Lädy Ä @aphotomama The next time a stranger tries to hit on me in public, I'm going to look him up and down with my eyes slowly, touch my ear, and say "Scan complete. Appears human. Not a reproductive match." And turn around and walk away. 3:21 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - SparkNotes @SparkNotes Edgar Allan Poe writing about a beautiful woman who died way too Soon 21 And you'll hear- it again! You've told us this story many times. 7:30 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn O v @XplodingUnicorn When my dad was a kid, he caught a fish. He lived in such a sparsely populated area that it made the paper. When the photographer snapped the photo, the fish wiggled, moving my dad's fingers. Nobody noticed. The next day, my dad appeared in print, flipping off the entire county.
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    Text - cal? @cal_gif Just convinced my grandma that pawg stands for perfect awesome wonderful grandchildren, can't wait for her to post us on Facebook calling us pawgs 9:39 AM - 11/29/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - nash! @thenashleysays my mum [motioning from deathbed for me to come closel: there's kohl's ca sh In m y purse but you ha ve to use It b y thur s d a y 12:50 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - Chris Gayomali O @chrisgayomali She continued: "I think I saw him at a basketball game." And then, as if it clarified anything, added with a nod, "It was NBA." Laura Dern: I Saw Baby Yoda at a Basketball Game gq.com 8:24 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - Eric @eringalls I'm not saying toys can ruin lives, I'm just saying I don't know a single person who used to play with Bratz that grew into a functioning adult 10:09 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - jdstalnaked Griswold @jdstalnaked Dear diary: After being married for 14.5 years. I'm not sure if my wife forgot my name or if she actually thinks it's "Hey, while You're Up." 6:25 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Bad Breakup Guy @GuyBreakup Sorry I pushed your grandpa at Thanksgiving but when a cockroach starts flying it's every man for himself. 1:27 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - 5heribrown @5heribrown Who really has room to be Rockin' around the Christmas tree? Like ALL. THE. WAY. AROUND? 7:15 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn O v @XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Don't worry. I have a plan. Me: For what? 5: The Grinch. We're in good hands. 5:39 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for Android
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  • 20
    Text - Ashley Afonso O @AshleyAfonso RUN At least my dog is enjoying the snow day! IP Camera 5:10 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Serendipity Christmas Ham Donuts @serendipitydon1 If by hot you mean I'm having to lie on a heating pad for my sore back, then, yes, I'm hot. 5:29 AM - 12/1/19 · Twitter for Android
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    Yoda - Baby Yoda @BabyYodaBaby Cuddle me you must. 5:21 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Dog - Portland Press Herald @PressHerald The little booties we can't. 4:45 AM · 12/3/19 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - Stephanie Wyeld @steph_the_twit Someone came to the door and I had to put on pants va memoir 11:49 AM - 11/26/18 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - ThatsOneTheory @OneTheory89 Replying to @youngmekkamek and @Variety head out, imma" 7:35 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for Android
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  • 26
    Text - Asinine Asf @asinineasf No guy will date me because they say I'm immature but if they weren't all cowards they'd get in this chuck e cheese ball pit and talk to me face to face like a real man. #RelationshipAdvice #relationshipgoals 4:38 PM · 12/2/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - q * 83% ll T-Mobile 7:21 PM Tweet its_meee_beeeeee liked drum major for the drunken para... @rahaeli Could any word in this tweet get more horrifying Boing Boing @BoingBoing Spiders blamed after broken siren played creepy nursery rhymes randomly at night to UK townsfolk boingboing.net/2018/09/17/ spi... WELCOME TO COSUEBAN OE Tweet your reply
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    Text - Kristen Hawkins @KristenHawkins1 Tinder should have a section to leave a review under everyone's profile, so people can comment like "super nice guy" or "may have a secret pregnant girlfriend". Just a thought. 6:40 PM · 12/2/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Yoda - David Hines @dbh1ne2 #TheMandalorion #BabyYoda ? #Starbucks or #StarWarsx Bobby Yoga seedspeed.tumblr.com 9:27 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter Web App
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    Text - Kimberly @kimmiecab Conversation I just had with my wife #wife #marriagegoals #goals il T-Mobile LTE 9 23% 04 12:51 PM Wifey OV I almost shit myself when I coughed You just get more attractive everyday don't you Yes & 9:56 AM - 11/27/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Lil Jalapeño ФHawaaaaaaaaaa_ *Opens fridge to look for last night's leftovers* Fridge: Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you? 10:02 AM - 12/3/19 · Twitter for Android
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    Text - Ryan Stephens @ryanstephens Picasso created more than 50,000 works of art. How many are considered masterpieces that we still admire today? About a 100. Less than 1% of his creations are still relevant. Stop trying to be perfect. It's a numbers game. Start creating. Be courageous enough to share. 8:00 AM · 11/27/19 · Hootsuite Inc.
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    Face - #10YearChallenge Year 7 to uni Aeon the terrible Let me see your ears
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    Text - Merry Crinkum-crankum @omgitsbeegee If you're looking for a girl that's got it all together, I just realized l've had my underwear on inside out AND backwards for about 10 hrs. Line forms to the left 2:23 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - The Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz I always forget the 10 Plagues. Wasn't one of them kale? 3:29 PM · 12/3/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - carol of the bells @ballerguy Replying to @YanaBirt Help it didn't work Today 16:43 Are u in the right headspace to receive information that could probably hurt you? Literally never Star Wars is bad Delivered You can take that idiotice blanket statement and suffocate under it 1:49 PM · 12/1/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - "vanessa" @V_sugarbaby i hate snapchatting gorgeous ppl they reply instantly with the most breathtaking pictures & it takes me approximately 3 - 5 business days to take a selfie i don't hate 10:41 PM · 12/2/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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    Tiger - Beans After Dark @goodbeanalt been there bro E New York Post O @nypost · 7h NEW YORK POST Tiger walks record 800 miles in search of sex trib.al/PDKKUKD 3:55 PM · 03 Dec 19· Twitter for iPhone
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    Text - Amy @AvirginiaRow1 USA Saturday night and I am acting all kinds of sexy so my husband will look at me the way my cat looks at an empty box #marriagegoals 5:20 PM · 11/30/19 · Twitter for iPhone

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