This Week's Top Celebrity News: A Satirical Roundup (October 12, 2020)

  • 1. Demi Lovato sh*ts all over ex-fiancé. He is pissed.


    Demi Lovato is reportedly acting like she and Max Ehrich were never engaged and their relationship never happened. But Max has been praying every night that people DON'T forget since that 2-month failed relationship is the only reason people know his name in the first place.

    It is also reported that Demi bought herself a new hamster and named it 'Max', so whenever people ask about him she can tell them how Max got trapped in a toilet paper tube that morning and has been having a hard time getting out.

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  • 2. Princess Beatrice slashes Ed Sheeran in the face with a sword (WTF)

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    Ed Sheeran's manager straight-up called Princess Beatrice an effing idiot. To be fair, she did accidentally cut Ed's face with a ceremonial sword while mock-knighting James Blunt at a party in Windsor. But in Beatrice's defense, she was wasted and wounds heal.

  • 3. Dirt is uncovered about Prince William and Kate Middleton's dating history.


    Apparently, Prince William once broke up with Kate Middleton over the phone while she was at work. Kate had to excuse herself from a meeting to take the difficult call and returned 30 minutes later looking like a commoner.

    Of course, the split didn't last long, and they got back together 10 weeks later after William found dating difficult and was turned down by a surprising number of women who thought he looked 'okay' when he had hair, but not so much without.  

  • 4. Mariah Carey also sh*ts over ex-fiancé. He too is pissed.

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    Mariah Carey said that she and ex-fiance James Packer "didn't really have a physical relationship" during the 18 months they were in love. James went on to say that that's absolutely untrue, they gave each other high-fives all the time.

    I must admit it is kind of suspicious that Mariah would agree to spend the rest of her life with someone with whom she had no physical connection. But then I googled his name and found out that James is worth $3.2 billion, and I just want to state for the record that I am great at giving high-fives.

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  • 5. Brooklyn Beckham makes grand gesture of love and lives to regret it.


    Brooklyn Beckham got his fiancee Nicola Peltz's eyes tattooed on the back of his neck. It brings a whole new meaning to the insult 'four eyes', which is how his brothers and father have been calling him since he came home with, well, literally four eyes.

  • 6. Mary-Kate Olsen and OAP husband divorce. Shocker.


    Mary-Kate Olsen is single and ready to mingle following her divorce from her older husband, Olivier Sarkozy. And girls, Olivier is free too.

    A source close to MK says 'shes doing great and seems happier than she's been in a long time.' It appears that dating a 50-year-old man and going to bed at 8 pm every night so he won't get cranky is less fun than it sounds.

  • 7. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry go for dinner with other celebs. They have steak.


    Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were seen grabbing dinner with David Foster and Katharine McPhee at a steakhouse in Montecito. The couples spent three full hours eating together and telling each other stories about how little they've done since March.

    None of them wanted the double date to end. They were all dreading going home and spending yet more 'alone time' with their spouse, aka the people they've been doing very little with, every second of every day, for way too long now.  


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