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The Best Man
The best man is looking dapper as f*ck in his tux. And because he's Best Man, you already know he's like, a super loyal and dedicated friend to the groom. Which means he'll be an even better boyfriend that throws all that loyalty and dedication into you. You're pretty sure you even saw him shed a tear as the groom walks down the aisle. Sexy and emotional? Time to make your moves.
You try to approach him the whole night, but he and the groom seem to be attached by the hip - possibly even more so than the groom and the bride. Every time you try to reel him in with your smoky eyes, he's too busy looking into the groom's eyes, attending to his every need. You'll soon come to the realization that all the emotional availability he previously displayed was for the bromance, and the bromance only.
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The Hype Man
This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term Party Animal. He's the king of shots, hanging out at the bar so much you'd think he owns it. The second you meet, he's funneling shots down your throat, and every other poor random person that happens to walk past. Fueled by the spirit of liquor, the two of you hit it off instantly. After a couple of drinks, he's grabbing you over to the dance floor, where you rage your asses off together. For the Hype Man, today's all about celebrating love and living in the spectacular now. Every time the wedding party dies down a bit, he lifts it back up again with his Energizer Bunny aura. His love language? "Chug! Chug! Chug! " and the Cha-Cha Slide. Just when you think he's about to go in for a platonic kiss towards the end of the wedding, he passes out on your shoulder. Congrats, girl. I think you just made a new party friend for life.
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The Cute Brother
The groom's a good-looking guy, and his cute brother looks uncannily similar. He's essentially the single version of the groom. It would be a shame to pass this one up. Once he's done dealing with excessive family photos, you manage to catch him and chat him up in a cozy corner of the wedding venue. Something stirs within you and you feel the sudden urge to kiss him. Maybe it's the copious shots that the Hype Man sprinkled into your bloodstream earlier. You decide to lean in and go for that kiss, and it's absolutely incredible. I mean, isn't this what weddings are all about? Don't you just love love?
All this excitement makes you have to pee. Inside the ladies' room, you eagerly share the story of that wonderful, unexpected kiss, with your friend. She stares back at you.
"You know he's like 18, right? I'm pretty sure he literally just started college."
f*ck. 18. Barely legal. HOW?! The silver lining is that he is legal, at least … right? You and your friend agree to never speak of this again. It was the tequila talking, that's all. You never return from the ladies' room to finish what you started with him.
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The Gigolo Groomsman
This guy comes in many different forms. Some are hot, some are not, but either way, they all have the same goals, and they all have good game.
Weddings serve as his prime hunting grounds, abundant with women deeply mesmerized by the silly notion of love. His superpower is sensing desperation, then swiftly preying on it. The first step involves identifying the prettiest bridesmaid or guest at the singles table. Once his target is acquired, it's time to work his magic.
He doesn't see his lifestyle as cruel - instead, he sees it as a service that is mutually beneficial to both parties. If you're just looking for a good time, by all means, take on the Gigolo Groomsman for the night. However, if you've got love on the brain, avoid him like the plague.
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The Ring Bearer
Okay, so I put this one in just for funsies. All eyes are on the ring bearer and the flower girl as they flaunt their cuteness down the aisle. Whether you love kids or hate 'em, you have to admit they're adorable, as long as they're not yours. The Gigolo Groomsman is likely to utilize the ring bearer as a prop later, illustrating that he's wonderful with kids in order to strategically lure in the ladies.
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The Creep
Whether he's the bride's middle-aged uncle or a random party guest, the creep has had his eyes burning into your skull since the beginning of the wedding. You were polite about it at first, but now things are just getting weird. He keeps trying to get into your inner dance circle or casually grind up behind you. At one point, he even had the audacity to try to be your partner for Cotton-Eye Joe! Back the f*ck up - clearly, the Hype Man is already your partner! In order to fend off The Creep, use the Hype Man as a shield. Keep taking cover behind him, and if that doesn't work, introduce him to The Creep as your boyfriend. Problem solved… hopefully.
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The Wedding Grinch
When it comes to love, this guy has been through some shit. He's a recent divorcee or just ended it with his long-term girlfriend. Seeing two people find each other makes him sick to the core. The wedding couple tried to appease him by seating him at the singles table, in hopes that he would take the opportunity to find someone new. Instead, he starts talking to you about where it all went wrong and goes into detail about his deep-seated belief that love is a social construct.
Like, dude, nobody needs to hear your dirty laundry. Just go to the open bar like every other person and drink your single sorrows away. There's no shame in it. We all do it. This sad sap spends the wedding eating, rolling his eyes at any romantic activity the couple engages in, and talking shit to anyone who will listen. He doesn't even get up to dance once. Mucho depresso.
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Your Ex
Back in college, there was always that one guy at parties that you desperately avoided - your ex. Unfortunately, that one guy also makes guest star appearances at almost every single wedding. Because you used to date, you naturally have the same circle of friends. And those stupid friends had to go and get hitched. Because of fucking course they did.
When you spot him from across the room, you try to come up with a gameplan - STAT. Your friends are nowhere to be found, and neither is your newly found friend, The Hype Man. You need a Plan B. The Gigolo Groomsman is surrounded by too many other girls to give you the time of day. The Creep is definitely worse than your ex, and you're already avoiding the barely legal Cute Brother. It looks like you're gonna have to head back to the Wedding Grinch to successfully avoid your ex. Fucking gag. The lesser of two evils will have to do. After you're forced into listening to another one of his depressing tales, you look up and accidentally lock eyes with your ex. He waves. He's coming over. Shit. You have the sudden realization that he wasn't placed at the singles table, while you tragically were. Does that mean he's currently taken?! Double shit.
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The Bartender
After surviving that horrific encounter with your (happily taken) ex, you're completely drained. Every guy at this wedding seems to be even more psycho than you. The only guy you can trust? The bartender. You pour your soul out to him as he pours you another drink. He probably doesn't genuinely care about your sad, single problems, but he listens because he has to be behind the bar anyways. Evidently, the liquor's not the only thing that's free tonight. So is therapy from the bartender. Again, god bless the open bar.
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