I Matched With Tinder Creeps With No Photo, And I'm Officially Both Scared And Appalled

• 01

  S, 45

  
  via Tinder

  Starting strong here! We exchanged maybe two messages before he asked if I "love bed control games." I assume this is some kind of power-exchange s*x thing, because after asking him to clarify about five times he said he is a controlling man who likes a controlled woman. If you're so controlling, S, how come you can't control yourself enough to not say this sh*t?

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• 02

  Ap, 40

  
  via Tinder

  With his stock photo of a man's torso, this guy almost seemed like a bot to me. Except that he gave me his number. He wanted to meet up the same day we started talking, and saying I didn't want to exchange numbers yet REALLY confused him. He said he didn't have pics "to protect his mother and kids"...who according to him aren't on Tinder. I can only assume that's code for either "wife" or "the scam mainframe". 

• 03

  Kermit, 21

  
  via Tinder

  You can see our entire conversation reproduced above. Yes, that is the whole thing. I can't tell if he's calling me fat or a dom, but the winky face after "no, not really" is sending very mixed messages.

• 04

  Dave, 29

  
  via Tinder

  I've left Dave's name intact because the very first thing in his bio is "Dave isn't really my name." All I can say is that for a sapiosexual, he seems pretty dim. For the uninitiated, sapiosexual means "attracted to intelligence," but 99.9% of the time it's code for "pretentious d**chebag". In this case it's code for "won't admit he's married". 

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• 05

  Abs Man, 44

  
  via Tinder

  This one speaks for itself. Abs man, here's a tip. Generally, if someone doesn't want to talk to you, they probably don't want to get naked with you. After 44 years of life you should really know that by now.

• 06

  Cards Man, 37

  
  via Tinder

  I've often found that the way to see a man's true colors is to wait a day or two before responding, to see how he reacts to not having your immediate undivided attention. This guy started out normal: his bio said he just likes his privacy and would send photos on request, we exchanged some pleasantries, all seemed fine. And then he had to quadruple message me, culminating in what was somehow the most bone-chilling message out of this entire experiment. Maybe to him it seemed cutesy? But to me it straight-up reads like a message written in blood on the wall of a horror film. Yikes.

• 07

  Conclusion

  
  via Tinder

  In conclusion, men on dating apps are exactly as weird and stupid as you think they are. And the ones without pictures are probably hiding something, and also really don't understand how Tinder works. The most satisfying part of this experiment was unmatching all of these guys and reporting most of them at the end. But at least now I can rest easy that I'm completely justified in reporting no-photo profiles without ever speaking to them, and you should too! Getting rid of as many married-man-creep-idiot tinders as possible is literally feminism, and also hitting "report" on a gross dude is extremely satisfying. Seriously, give it a go, you won't regret it. Happy reporting!

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