AITA?: Overprotective Parrot Lady Prioritizes Rescue Bird Above Assisting Stepdaughter in Upcoming Wedding

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Blake Seidel • Managing Editor & Brand Manager
Feb 1, 2023 2:00 PM EST

The writer of this Reddit post took in a very abused parrot three years ago. Since then, she has devoted herself to rehabilitating this parrot, she didn't take any vacations or trips, as it would disrupt the bird's healing progress. She married her now husband when his daughter was 16, and now she is getting married in March. The stepdaughter is very stressed with the wedding planning, along with taking care of her two-year-old, and as such, she invited her dad and her step-mom (the author) for a week to visit the soon-to-be-married couple and their budding family.

The author says no, saying that she and the stepdaughter are not close and that she doesn't have that sort of relationship with her. The stepdaughter hasn't visited them in four years and they hardly ever speak. Is she in the wrong for prioritizing her parrot over a stepdaughter? Does the stepdaughter just want help babysitting while she's stressed over the wedding? Or does she actually want to build a loving relationship with her? What do you think?

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  • 01
    AITA for prioritising my parrot over my stepdaughters wedding? Not the So I'm the owner of a wonderful rescued macaw. She is a wonderful bird but has a lot of issues due to an abusive former home. I've had her for 3 years and since then haven't taken any vacations or trips away as it would be too disruptive for her. She distrusts everyone and is very reliant on her routine. I love her deeply and I'm happy to make sacrifices for her. They are permanent toddlers and very intelligent birds. I met m
    via u/macawww345

    We're not sure what to think here - it sounds a bit dramatic to stay home for three years, never once taking a vacation or leaving because of a bird. We understand that each animal needs its own unique style of care, but is it her plan to never be apart from the bird for the rest of its life?

  • 02
    Edit: context of our relationship, we don't usually talk at all and she hasn't visited home in 4 years. Edit 2: Beginning to think it was maybe a mistake posting this. Mostly because this is a real and nuanced situation and reddit is no place for nuance, and maybe personal relationships shouldn't be judged in the AH context in the first place. But also because I should be more understanding and a bigger person regardless of who is or isn't the . Life is too short to be butthurt and offended. I c
    via u/macawww345

    We hope it works out for them, honestly. We're not sure where we stand on this, on one hand, we would put in the effort to make a relationship with the grandson and try to glue together the whole family, on the other hand, when you adopt a pet you have to be understanding of the needs of the pet. What would you do?

  • 03
    Font - Itsnotfull 14 days ago A hole Aficionado [14] Question. Are you literally never going to leave the bird ever again? If so that is not healthy 22.7k Reply Share Report Save Follow
    via u/itsnotfull
  • 04
    Font - Question. Are you literally never going to leave the bird ever again? If so that is not healthy 22.7k Reply Share Report Save Follow macawww345 OP 14 days ago No - I am working up to her eventually being more independent, but it takes a long time to heal trauma with these birds. They have very strong memories and I've only recently reached a point where she's finally becoming more comfortable Reply Share Report Save Follow 10.6k
    via u/macawww345, u/itsnotfull
  • 05
    Smile - I rescued an African gray about 30 years ago. It does take time, but it's been 3 years, it does not take that long. My gray was fine after 3 or 4 months
    via u/macawww345
  • 06
    Font - Artsy_Shartsy22 Part sipant [1] It's not fair to say, "my animal healed from trauma this fast, yours should too," My mom rescued a 1-year-old chihuahua who'd been physically abused and it was about 9 months before he'd even let us touch him. He's now 7 and just in the last year started showing interest in playing, as he would try to play previously and get too scared. There's no rulebook for how quickly animals will heal from abuse. Reply Share Report Save Follow 17.3k
    via u/Artsy_Shartsy22
  • 07
    Font - This. I took in my cat from abusive former owners as a 10 week old kitten five years ago. Despite repeated patient working with her on a consistant basis over the last five years, she still hides around anybody who is not me, when she hears a loud noise, when something surprises or startles her... She will likely never be over her trauma, but she's so loving and gentle and gets along so well with the other animals. I couldn't leave her for a week, so I understand OPS reluctance. 5.7k Repl
    via u/macawww345
  • 08
    Font - I couldn't agree more. When I was about 8 my brother brought home a cocker spaniel that he found by his work. She was about 8 months old, and incredibly skinny. She was severely abused. She used to eat her poop, we assumed it was from her being starving and homeless. She was very protective of her food. It took years for her to not cower from feet being close to her. It also took years for her to not run and hide from someone trying to pet her head. It was a long process. I rescued an old
    via u/macawww345
  • 09
    Font - OP I'm so sorry that happens to your birdie baby and I can only imagine how hard that is for you both. I'm glad to hear she's healing and praise you for your dedication to her health. I'm sick and tired of how these beautiful animals are treated. I hope her healing journey continues in a positive direction. It sounds like you've had more of a relationship with your macaw than your stepdaughter by her choice and that she only wants you there because she wants free help (please correct me i
    via u/macawww345
  • 10
    I'd normally say you were an clear she's been pretty distant with you. for putting a bird before family, but you've made it The thing about realtionships (all realtionships) is they require effort and attention. Just because you're related (by blood or law) doesn't mean someone is entitled to your presence, especially if the realtionship isn't exactly a good one. You aren't the . I assume if your realtionship were better, you'd make more of an effort. You're still going, so it isn't like you're
    via u/macawww345
  • 11
    Font - NTA- macaws and parrots are not just "birds" like budgies where you can ask a pet sitter to feed and water them all week. Macaws are like gifted children who scream and can rip your fingers off. They are a 80 year commitment and often only bond to a single person. Birds in general are extremely sensitive to any environmental changes so someone who doesn't know what they are doing can hurt or even kill the macaw. Shame on everyone for saying "choosing an animal over family" like it's a bad
    via u/macawww345
  • 12
    Font - NTA, because it sounds like she was trying to get free childcare and labor out of you rather than wanting bonding time. Your title made it sound like you'd be missing the wedding. You definitely need to go to the wedding, because at that point you're taking it too far putting the bird over family. Maybe offer if there's anything you can do to help prepare from home, if that's something you want to do. ETA: if you are going to make sure to make it to the wedding, you need to clarify that i
    via u/macawww345
  • 13
    Font - INFO: How are you going to attend an out-of-state wedding in March, if you can't leave the state in January? It's going to be a multi-day trip... Reply Share Report Save Follow 1.0k macawww345 OP 14 days ago I'm planning on making it a 2 day trip. I have that much planned out... the biggest issue is her plucking problem, she is prone to mutilating when stressed and in 2 days she won't have done as much damage if any, but in a week of absence I'm sure she'd start up again. I've only just g
    via u/macawww345
  • 14
    NTA. You shouldn't be expected to put your life aside for somebody who hasn't even visited in four years. Now that she needs help she chooses to pull this guilt trip over her needing a mother figure? No. Stay with your baby bird who is devoted to you. that
    via u/macawww345
  • 15
    Font - NTA, you took responsibility of owning very demanding pet. Your stepdaughter know about it since you have the parrot for 3 years, and if she is considering you being mother figure I assume she is interested in your life enough to know your limitations. Or does your relationship go only one way and she assume she will be always on receiving end? 434 Reply Share Report Save Follow macawww345 OP 14 days ago We've talked maybe 5 times in the last 4 years on the phone as a group call with her
    via u/macawww345
  • 16
    You are still going to the wedding, however, correct? You didn't decline attending the wedding, did you? I'm assuming that it's just the extended time away from the bird for a full-week that you cannot do, but you can manage to miss a few days for the wedding. If that is the case, then you are not an but if you are missing the week of preparation AND the wedding because of your pet, this makes you an , If my assumption is correct and you are not an your stepdaughter is only now seeking your invo
    via u/macawww345
  • 17
    Font - I was leaning to a NAH judgement but then I read your edit and comments on how the stepdaughter has only spoken to you 5 times in 4 years and that's been through your husband. The bird is a factor but overall, your stepdaughter is probably looking to use you as free childcare and is now trying to guilt you into coming for the week by moaning on how she needs a mother now more than ever to your husband. You have tried to maintain a relationship with her from what your comments say while sh
    via u/macawww345
  • 18
    Font - Info You kind of contradict yourself as to your motives. You decline to go because of the bird. But then you bemoan that you would have to take time off in order to "babysit and bond." Those are very different reasons. If someone you were close to was having a wedding out of state, would you made accommodations for the bird and attend the weddings? If you didn't have the bird would you agree to taking the time off for your stepdaughter's wedding? Are you not going solely because you have
    via u/macawww345
  • 19
    Font - macawww345 OP 14 days ago The bird is the main factor because she's dependent on me and my responsibility. But also, we've talked 5 times in the last 4 years, over the phone with her dad there, she takes no interest in my life and has ignored phone calls and emails and attempts to bond on my end. So I guess I do feel kind of stung that now all of a sudden she wants a relationship when she needs someone to help her out.
    via u/macawww345
  • 20
    Human body - Savings-Breakfast-49 14 days ago So blame it on your lack of relationship, not on your parrot. YTA
    via u/Savings-Breakfast-49
  • 21
    Human body - FascinatingFall 14 days ago Part sipant [4] YTA. You burned your best chance at a relationship, which can only benefit your relationship with your husband.
    via u/FascinatingFall
  • 22
    Organism - You are the bird's mate, period. Yes, it's very difficult for you to go away. Your commitment will be years long (but you know that, of course... just filling in for others). You'll get a lot of y-t-a-s from people that don't know much about those types of birds. The invitation was very kind on her part. She reached out to you. But she doesn't understand about the bird, which is unfortunate. I think she's entitled to be upset and disappointed, so I'm going with NAH.
    via u/macawww345
  • 23
    Font - CanIStopAdultingNow YTA So I do rescue (kittens not parrots) so I get it. In the summer when it is kitten season I don't travel. It's my life. However, you're not doing the right thing by making that bird dependent on you and only you. At some point you may need to travel or you make it sick and end up in the hospital. Rather than develop a situation where you've got to deal with a major problem and your bird, It's best to start conditioning the bird to be away from you now. Talk to your
    via u/CanIStopAdultingNow
  • 24
    Font - ESH. I feel like you could compromise in some way. I mean a week is a long time, but your step daughter seems to want some kind of a relationship with you. It would be nice if you'd meet her halfway at least and try to be family. She is trying and even trying to include you in the wedding planning which is pretty special I think, especially since she doesn't have a mom. Maybe take a few days if a week is too long. Edited to add, I am recommending she takes A COUPLE OF DAYS to do wedding p
    via u/macawww345
  • 25
    Font - YTA By the sounds of it your the only mother in her life, you are the grandmother to her son and you pick your birds comfort over them? Parrots live for over 80 years... When you rescued this bird you were basically saying okay I'm done visiting my step daughter and soon to be grandchild (she would have been pregnant when you got the bird) You picked the bird over them YTA
    via u/macawww345
  • 26
    Font - UniversitySoft1930 I actually agree with both sides but you need to sit down and decide what your stepdaughter is to you. Do you want her to call you grandma? Do you want to be around your grandkids? Do you want her in your life? I don't agree with dropping everything for a week but what's preventing you from doing zoom calls and being a part online? From what you wrote, you aren't even trying to be involved. That's ok, it's your choice, but it will change your relationship with your husb
    via u/UniversitySoft1930

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