'I told my kids that I was the original Road Runner': 30+ Hilarious anonymous confessions

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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... My elderly father joined Facebook, I told him "WTF" stands for "welcome to Facebook" and is a customary greeting when you added new friends. It's been 6 years and no one has told him.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I once ate 43 yams in one week after a buyer reneged on a 500+ order. It was awful, I was more yam than man.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My husband thinks he's a marvellous driver but really his driving is aggressive and impatient. He gets frustrated when I 'side' with 'other drivers' who annoy him. I've taken to exclaiming 'what a d head'- he thinks I'm swearing at the others when really it's directed at him.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was 17 I jumped into a canal to save a dog. Got a certificate from the Mayor, my picture in the paper etc. Even got some female attention at last. Truth is, the dog was already swimming to safety and if anything my splashing around just made things worse.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I own a bowling business which is popular with stag do's and hen do's. The amount of bride/grooms to be who cheat is shocking. At least one a night. Put me off ever getting married.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Being the youngest sibling, I always had to have a bath at the tap end. I still bathed at the tap end well into my adult life. Only realised I could sit at the other, more comfy side, when my wife questioned it. Love having a bath now.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My mum used to pack me those little round cheese snacks covered in red wax for school lunches, I would always try to eat a bit of the wax on the sly so no one would see, 15 years later I still do it whenever I eat one. I actually think I prefer the wax to the actual cheese.
  • 09
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife and I verbally affirm out loud who has control of the toddler when the other leaves the room, like what pilots do with planes.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife spent ages teaching the kids her mobile number so they could call her in an emergency from any phone. I just set mine as the password to the gaming PC. Same result, zero effort.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My boyfriend eats pizza with a knife and fork. I love him but this behaviour is off putting and I'm tempted to break up with him over it.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... Every week my mum drops over 2 punnets of strawberries for my 3 year old son-"I got these for my baby boy".I haven't had the heart to tell her he's not been eating them for 2 years but I've been taking them to work. Finally told her today and she smiled and said "I know baby boy"
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Sometimes I ask my dad to open jars and stuff even when I can open them myself just so he knows that I still need him around
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Not as bad as some of the confessions on here but when I was younger and was giving my dog a Bonio dog treat, I'd also have one myself and we would sit together and eat them. Best dog treats on the market.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Rediscovered my old wrestling figures in the attic. So literally wait until wife and kids are out the house, sneak up and start playing with them. Full on entrance ramp, rings and use the speaker for the entrance music. Takes me back. Could never tell the kids
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole There was a really obnoxious bully of a 6 year old in the sandpit at the park. She was picking on other kids & not sharing the communal sand toys. So I buried one of her shoes. I'm 37 & a teacher.
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    Vertebrate - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Brought a guy home, he asked to borrow a toothbrush. I didn't have a new one. Gave him one I said was used by me as my spare for travelling so don't have to pack the electric one. He joked, "I'm sure it's not just the one used by the last guy you brought home." It was.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole One Christmas in the mid 90's when I was absolutely skint & working in a sports shop, I had no choice but to steal all of my family's Christmas presents from our stock room. I'll never forget the look on my Nan's face when she opened a full Reebok tracksuit.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My boss at work was removed. To show willing, I applied for the vacant post. As part of process, I had to attend a meeting. After it, the interviewer asked 'How did you find the meeting'. I replied 'I opened the door and there it was'. I didn't get the job.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was 12 I couldn't think of what to get my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. Went into a vintage shop with my mum and she found an old periodic table. Mum said it would be a great present. Think my girlfriend broke up with me a few days after receiving it. Thanks mum.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Never took any photos of my daughter as a newborn. Got one of a random baby off Google images and convinced my wife it was her in the hospital. She either believes me or feels too bad to let relatives know she didn't take any either.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ●●● I found a grand in rolled notes on the floor of a music venue. Years later I discovered that the band who were playing that night had fired their manager shortly after, accusing him of pocketing gig money.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife allowed me to get a motorbike as long as I was careful and didn't ride like an idiot. I've come off the bike 3 times so far and racked up 6 points. She's none the wiser so far. Had to explain the last lot of bruises due to "falling down the stairs".
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When people annoy me at work I reply to spam emails with their mobile numbers.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I bought a Chromecast from Argos last year with a voucher. Clearly it was a returned item as an account was already signed in. As was Netflix, AppleTV+ & Amazon Prime. Currently enjoying Succession. Thanks "BenXXXXX@ gmail" whoever you are.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I recently got my earwax removed. First time in ages. There was loads. But I really regret it, my kids are so incredibly annoying and loud.
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I celebrated my daughters birthday on the wrong date for her first six years. Even worse I was out by four days. She's an adult now and doesn't have a clue
  • 28
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Years ago I told my kids that I was the original road runner as I can do a good 'meep meep' impression. I convinced them by saying I was only paid for one 'meep'. They repeated this to a friend of theirs, they're 15 and still believe me
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Coffee shop at work had a 'buy 9 get 1 free' loyalty card - they'd stamp it with a star-shaped stamp. Bought one on Amazon for less than the price of the coffee. Now it's 'buy 1 get 9 free'.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Forgot my PE kit so "borrowed" my best friend's. She had to do the lesson in her knickers, I was then too embarrassed to return her kit. Her parents wouldn't/couldn't buy her a replacement so she did every PE lesson for the rest of the term like that. Sorry, Sarah.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... Last night my teenage son was being an utter al and refused to come to an event we had booked. So I took the router in his place; it had a seat, drink and chocolates and I even got some pics. Future dates may happen.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... A colleague I sat next to, allergies started getting so bad when he came into the office that he had to stop coming in. I realised after about a month it was because I started laying my clothes out every night before bed and the cat slept on them. Loving the new desk space tho.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I purposely eat my dinner slowly so that my partner starts the washing up first.
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    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole For the last 3 weeks, I've been peeling bananas right in the store before weighing them, so that I don't pay extra for the peels.

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