Mom Takes Niece in for a Month, Gets Blamed By SIL When She Likes Her Aunt's Household Better

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Sep 21, 2023 5:00 PM EDT

Going over to your friend's house when you're a kid can be incredibly eye-opening. It's easy to believe the delusion that all of your buddies have similar relationships with their parents until you get in the car with their mom, and they start saying, "yes ma'am" to everything she says. Or worse, if your friend starts yelling at their mom in the car and their mom just sits there and takes it. 

It can be easy to look at other families with rose-colored glasses, especially when you're only around them for a short period of time. If they have fewer rules than your parents or a cushier lifestyle, it can be easy for kids to think that they'd prefer living under their care. One mother whose niece stayed at her house for a month shared her story on Reddit after her sister-in-law got angry about her daughter claiming she'd rather live with her aunt. 

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  • 01
    Font - r/Amlthe *.. u/Educational_Ant212 • 1d AITA for undermining my SIL's parenting and making her daughter "hate" her?
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 02
    Font - I (F38) have two daughters (F13, F8) with my husband Max (M40). Max's sister Rose (F30) has a 11 year old daughter, Anna. Rose never told us who Anna's dad is, and he is not in the picture. Max's mom helped Rose with childcare till she graduated college. Unfortunately, she (Max's mom died in 2020 due to Co Rose had to leave city for a month for her work. She asked if we could take in Anna and we agreed.
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 03
    Font - In our house, my kids are responsible for washing their own dishes or putting them in dishwasher, putting clothes in laundry and cleaning up their own messes. I don't assign any chores or have them help out more cause I believe they should use that time for studying or any other activities they parttake in. But they also don't have phones and have to use laptop in common areas. So they are not goofing off. They both read a lot which I love, as a book worm myself.
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 04
    Font - They don't have bedtimes or rule to keep their rooms perfectly clean. I was raised in a house where both these existed and I hated them. Little messiness, while ruining aesthetic, won't kill me. I do teach them all lifeskills such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shoping etc. Even my 8 year old knows this. I just do this during vacations. I don't like taking time away during school year. They are expected to do well in school and get into activities which they do.
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 05
    Font - This was surprising to Anna when she came to live with us. Rose had strict rules about bedtime, room cleanliness, and asked Anna to help with all chores. My bookworm school oriented kids made Anna want to study more. She asked if I could help her study like I helped my kids. I said yes and she performed really well in school that month. Her As went up on our fridge with her cousins and we were all happy for her.
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 06
    Font - But when Rose came back last month and took Anna home, her grades started dropping again. Anna blamed Rose for making her work so hard and said "I hate you. I wish (me) was my mom". Rose called and blamed me for putting ideas into her daughter's head. That she doesn't have a partner and can't maintain a perfect house like me. She said I was an AH for undermining her parenting and making her daughter "hate" her. AITA?
    via u/Educational_Ant212
  • 07
    Font - Defib. 1d Partassipant [2] So... you provided a safe and loving home for your niece for a MONTH, and your SIL is mad because you didn't make her do chores the way that she does it at home? Did she tell you that her daughter's routine needed to be followed, or was that implied/ assumed by her? Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be happy that our routine was disrupted but I'd be grateful for the help, and grateful to learn how to improve my child's grades. I'd also be a bit hurt t
    via u/AutoEr*ticDefib
  • 08
    Font - It sounds like your SIL is in her feelings about her daughter's comments, and projecting that hurt on you. That really su s to hear those kind of words from your own kid. I imagine from her perspective as a single parent, she feels she needs her daughter's help around the house to keep up with the day-to- day. I also imagine that kid felt like your house was a vacation compared to what she's expected to do at home and isn't of an age to understand the disparity.
    via u/AutoEr*ticDefib
  • 09
    Font - You're NTA here, but it sounds like a good, calm talk with SIL needs to happen. If she has any modicum of self-awareness, she can take this revelation as a gift and change things in her household. But please consider, if your children said something like this to you, it would hurt. She's reacting from that. Doesn't make it right, but some compassion for that can go a long way. ... Reply 4.8k
    via u/AutoEr*ticDefib
  • 10
    Font - SafetySmurf 22h NAH. It sounds like you are an intentional mom who has clear priorities and uses those priorities to provide just the amount of structure your children need. They sound like they are thriving.
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 11
    Font - It also sounds like your sister-in-law is rearing a child with thought and effort. She is working, and when she needed to be out of town, she asked a safe person to take care of her. You don't mention your niece being miserable to have around, so it sounds like your SIL is working hard to rear a good human. She expects the child to do some basic chores, and enforces a set bedtime. She isn't going to have the summer off to spend more time during life skills during summer break. She's going
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 12
    Font - Of course things were a little easier for your niece at your house. There are two functioning adults. Two adults sharing the paid work and house work responsibilities. Two adults giving the other the piece of mind that they are not solely responsible. Two adults who can tag team to let the other breathe and restore themselves. Assuming the marriage is a healthy and happy one, having two adults sharing the physical, relational, and emotional burdens reduces the ambient stress in the house.
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 13
    Font - Anna also spent a month with her two cool cousins who know the routine and set positive norms / examples for Anna to follow. It has to be fun to have your children as siblings for a month. And it is easier to follow the expectations when the children around you are. She was probably also less lonely. Also, there was probably a good bit of novelty in living in someone else's life for a week.
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 14
    Font - So many parents wish they could do more for their children. Sometimes they feel limited by money. Sometimes they feel limited by their own emotional capacity. Sometimes they feel limited by the amount of responsibility per adult and wish there there were two (or four!) adults so that there was more free time in the system. There are benefits (and downsides) to models where generations of a family system live together and share responsibilities and resources. But even then, parents might s
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 15
    Font - I think your parenting sounds fantastic. And I could see many reasons why Anna would enjoy being with you all. I think it is wonderful that you parent so intentionally, and that you took Anna in for a month and raised her as your own. What a gift! I also can see why your Rose might already feel painfully aware of what she wishes she could do if she didn't have to work so much to support their family, and so seeing how much Anna enjoyed it probably really hurts.
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 16
    Font - It wasn't cool that she treated you as she did. Better that she get angry with you than with Anna, but still not cool. I get it, though. It would be tough to be in her shoes. It sounds like Anna would benefit from some conversation about how different family structures allow for the adults to have more bandwidth to relate differently. It isn't that her mother is mean or a terrible parent.
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 17
    Font - AND, it might be, that if Rose is able to cool down and process her hurt and disappointment, she can move through to a place where she talks with curiosity with you about the things you did that helped Anna in school. She might find that some things are not possible for her to incorporate given her constraints, but some other things might totally be possible. Way to go being a great aunt. I hope that you and your SIL are able to find a way through where your gifts and generosity can be an
    via u/SafetySmurf
  • 18
    Font - Willing-Helicopter26 • 1d Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] NAH. You might not expect your kids to pitch in with chores but Rose does. Rose also expects her daughter to have a bedtime. Those are not unreasonable. You're fortunate that you're able to turn your kids loose and they study on their own and put thier own dishes in the dishwasher and put clothes away. That's not the reality for Rose. Maybe Anna would prefer less cleaning and no bedtime but that doesn't mean Rose is wrong for her parentin
    via u/Willing-Helicopter26

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