‘Constantly putting oneself in the other’s shoes’: Women Wholesomely Discuss Their Personal Secrets to Longevity in Love and Relationships

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Jan 29, 2024 4:00 PM EST

Wanting a relationship for the long run isn't easy. True love is hard to find, and even once you've found it it's a lot of hard work. There are certain keywords and concepts that most relationship guru's can all agree on: trust, open communication, the notion that you're building something together, and being able to be empathetic. Although these notions might seem easy to practice on paper, in reality it can be a great struggle for everyone involved. When you're in it, you're in it and it can be hard to see outside the inner bubble. But take a moment to breathe, pop your head out from under the bubble of the relationship, and get some external perspective from women who are 30+ years strong. 

If you're someone in a relationship, starting one, ending one, or living the single life, getting reasonable and wholesome advice for emotional maturity can only benefit someone. At the end of the day, being in a healthy relationship means having a healthy relationship with yourself too.

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    Posted by u/AnonymousAndroids 5 days ago Ç What're your unique secrets to a healthy, happy, and long (forever) relationship?
    via u/AnonymousAndroids
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    Alternative Sea 2036 · 5 days ago · edited 4 days ago O+ This goes both ways! Do's: (emotional maturity saves it all!) • Let go of expectations and potential, look at the person for what they are
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    and not what you "think" they can be, it will prevent from breakdowns, feeling deceived, resentment and loosing yourself + it helps to know when it becomes an unhealthy attachment. ● • Comprehension over communication ! Yes, communication IS one of
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    ● communication IS one of the main key to an harmonious relationship BUT if one party lacks comprehension it's up for the beginning of resentment. Constantly putting oneself in the other shoes : we both have different life
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    experiences, think differently, and all been raised differently... well we're just different as a whole lol therefore we cannot possibly expect someone else to understand what we feel or why we react a certain way to things that might
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    be nothing or meaningless to us, so we have to be curious about asking clarification, asking to pinpoint how can we relate directly or indirectly to our person's feelings. (To understand this I generally say that it is similar to gentle parenting but the
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    difference your child but your partner) is : this is not • Knowing what is the ● view/expectation of the other, this is different from point one. This time it's about knowing what is their view of a partner, : how did they imagine their
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    partner to be, what would they like a partner to be towards them, love language, their reaction to certain things etc etc etc by knowing that it reduce a lot of stress and leaves no room for misunderstanding and the famous "I didn't knew".
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    Dont's: (what I call emotional immaturity !) • We do not own a partner, we co-create/build, therefore we should not view them as a possession but indeed as a partner, if this is something hard to comprehend I like to say that someone should
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    remember what team work is. • Having no social life. This ● is becoming more and more common to see people having 0 social interactions while being in a relationship and this is extremely unhealthy. Our
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    partner can indeed be our best friend but the goal isn't to take our partner for granted therefore we should always have a space where we can be the other parts of ourselves because before being a partner we are a human being.
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    ● Obviously everything that has to do with abuse and toxicity which is common sense but one thing that has been normalized is : unconscious gaslighting. Sometimes we can do it in the spark of anger or speaking before thinking therefore we should take
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    the time to analyze before delivering an answer, our goal isn't to hurt our partner nor to make them feel bad in any shape or form so we need to be open to trial and errors by keeping our heart open to genuinely apologize without the whole "but"
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    and taking mental note to hold ourselves accountable even if we do it again it should become automatic to directly apologize on the spot.
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    I can keep on going because it's sincerely not everything but eh I'm not writing a book lol.
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    puppy_spies 5 days ago This is so spot on that you should consider writing a book. I'd read it!
    via u/puppy_spies
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    Alternative_Sea_2036 · 3 days ago Ot q lowkey thinking about adding it to my endless todo list
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    chickpea17 5 days ago This is really well thought out, thank you for sharing. Would you mind elaborating on your point about communication and comprehension? I'm confused about what you mean by comprehension, as in understanding?
    via u/chickpea17
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    Alternative_Sea_2036. 4 days ago edited 4 days ago 오 I would say a bit deeper than understanding. For example: a partner has a habit of saying something to their partner that they cannot stand to hear, they had expressed
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    themselves about it countless times but no matter how much they had explained their feelings, even by using relatable examples their partner is still not stopping/apologizing for that habit so the problem here isn't communication
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    because clearly it was communicated but the partner who obviously understands what is said to them because they heard those words many times but they aren't able to comprehend any meaning behind it, they aren't able to "make it
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    make sense" even when it is being explained to them in a simple and relatable way, that is why by learning and understanding an information it becomes much more easier to navigate a relationship because comprehension
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    will be a two way conversation, the person assimilating the informations correctly AND figuring out the appropriate answer based on who is talking to them (the other human being with a set of emotions) and not what they think (their
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    not what they think (their own pov and emotions).
    via u/Alternative_Sea_2036
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    doubleG123 · 4 days ago This was so beautifully & perfectly written
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    searedscallops. 5 days ago Go to individual therapy and own your emotional Operate with curiosity and compassion for your partner. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Assume idiocy over malice.
    via u/searedscallops
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    AnonymousAndroids OP. 5 days ago I love this! We tend to immediately jump to thinking someone is being malicious rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.
    via u/AnonymousAndroids
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    vbaird88 · 5 days ago We periodically do a "sandwich" 1.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship 2. Something we can work on/are upset about. This is a safe zone so all feedback is welcome
    via u/vbaird88
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    3.Compliment/something we are happy about in relationship It helps keep us on track and allows us (me lol) a safe zone where I can express any needs. I'm bad at communicating
    via u/vbaird88
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    We also just do "safety zone" where something that has upset us is brought up and no one gets emotional. This brings the stress out of bringing something up for me.
    via u/vbaird88
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    DiviFail 5 days ago 오 "Say what you mean and mean what you say" have carried me through 22 years of marriage.
    via u/DiviFail
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    TheGutenbergBible. 5 days ago This has been the rule in my life since I was a kid, my dad is very pedantic and if you don't say exactly what you're trying to communicate, he picks it apart, it's infuriating. But tbh that trained me for being an open
    via u/TheGutenbergBible
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    communicator and able to put my feelings into words. My dude is great at talking through hard times, from just a bad day to much bigger issues.
    via u/TheGutenbergBible
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    robikn22. 5 days ago The best advice I've ever received that I still use daily in my marriage is to remind myself every morning that every act of service for my family/husband is a boomerang and will return.
    via u/robikn22
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    to me. Every time I put his needs before my wants, every time I choose patience over reaction or kindness over hostility- those selfless choices will return to me and I will gain joy and peace through them.
    via u/robikn22

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