'She said I had to use the name, her daughter deserved that': Bereaved mother freaks out when adult son refuses to name his daughter after his late baby sister

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Apr 22, 2024 1:00 PM EDT

Grief is a messy and complicated thing we all have to go through at some point. It's rarely something that someone can get over in a matter of months or weeks. It's a long and winding road, with low lows and the capacity for high highs. 

While the maxim "there's no wrong way to grieve" can be true, there are undoubtedly unhealthy behaviors associated with grieving that can have highly detrimental effects on the people around the bereaved. This story checks all the boxes for said behaviors. This man's entire life has been defined and controlled by his mother's grief of her 2-year-old daughter, who passed away while she was pregnant with him. She never celebrated Christmas or his birthdays because, to her, it would mean nothing without her daughter around. Now that he's all grown up and having his own daughter, she is trying to make it all about her daughter. 

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  • 01
    AITA for firmly telling my mom that my daughter will never be named after her daughter?
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 02
    Before I was born my parents had a daughter, my sister. She died when she was 2 while mom was pregnant with me. Ever since the death my mom has been stuck in grief and has been unable to move on in a healthy way. My dad bailed when I was a baby. And the relationship with my mom was rough. Growing up I heard all about the sister who died before I was born. My mom would have us in extreme mourning on the anniversary, my sister's birthday and the anniversary of the day she found out she was pregnan
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 03
    and I couldn't do anything those days. We didn't celebrate Christmas because mom said there was nothing worth celebrating without her. Mom would get upset if I wanted to celebrate my birthday. Then she'd throw parties and have photos of my sister displayed around the house and yard for everyone in attendance to see her. She told me it was also a way for me to have my sister at my birthday parties.
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 04
    Whenever I had friends over she would talk an obsessive amount about my sister. She made them so uncomfortable. I started dating my wife as a teenager I did my best to keep her away from mom. The first time they met mom talked about my sister the whole time, showed off her baby pictures and home movies of her and spoke nothing about me. My wife asked what I was like as a baby and asked to see photos of me but mom couldn't stop talking about her "most precious little girl".
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 05
    When I moved out of my mom's house our relationship strained more because I refused to stop my life on those three days anymore and I also started to celebrate Christmas. Mom was so mad. She yelled at me down the phone that I was a monster and how could I care so little about my sister being dead. I shouldn't be able to act like those days are normal days or like we have anything to be happy about at Christmas.
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 06
    We were very low contact for a few years and then she reached out to me and we talked and I told her she needed to get help because I could not live like that anymore and I couldn't live with feeling like I didn't matter to her. She apologized and promised she would be better and she was. Until now.
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 07
    My wife and I are expecting a baby girl and a few days ago my mom declared that she couldn't wait to meet baby "Ella". "Ella" being my sister's name. I told her we weren't using the name and mom freaked. She told me I couldn't possibly have a little girl and not name her after my sister. She told me Ella deserved to be honored and remembered and how could I do this to her and to my sister and where was the love for my sister. I told her to stop.
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 08
    She said I had to use the name and she would tell my wife the same thing, her daughter deserved that. I told her I will never name my daughter after hers and after seeing her reaction to me not using the name "Ella" that I regretted us getting back in touch because she will never stop wanting everything to revolve around that loss. My mom called me an evil for wanting to erase my sister. AITA?
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 09
    glimmerseeker • 20h Aficionado [14] Wow. This whole post is just sad. It that your whole life has been about your mom grieving her daughter. It's too bad she didn't let herself enjoy being YOUR mom. You are completely NTA here. This is your daughter, your and your wife's, and only the two of you get to name her. For your mom to have assumed she would be named Ella and then freak out when told otherwise just shows you that nothing has changed for her. Keep your distance for your own peace of mind
    via u/glimmerseeker
  • 10
    Crafty_Price6241 OP. 20h It showed me exactly that and also made me realize I shouldn't have trusted her again. That I should have stayed very low or gone no contact years ago. I felt bad for her but I don't see a way for this to ever be healthy for my daughter. She can't grow up like I did. 9k
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 11
    The_Razielim⚫ 19h I don't see a way for this to ever be healthy for my daughter. She can't grow up like I did. Please remember you said this in the future, and never leave your daughter alone with your mother. 100% she will attempt to turn your daughter into a surrogate for your sister. 7.7k
    via u/The_Razielim
  • 12
    TheFilthyDIL • 17h Partassipant [2] Yep. She'll drag all of her daughter's things out of the attic and insist that OP take them. "This is the dress Ella wore home from the hospital, so it's the dress your Ella will wear. This was Ella's favorite toy/food/animal/first word, so it has to be your Ella's as well." Any indication that your daughter isn't your sister reborn is going to send her over the edge. Not good for a small child who won't understand why Grandma is screaming at her just because
    via u/TheFilthyDIL
  • 13
    KnotYourFox • 17h I'd also be concerned about the age at which Ella died. If she wrapped herself in grief so long, I'd be worried for risk of her going all the way over the edge on that day, especially if the child doesn't act and look just like her Ella. रु ✩ 437
    via u/KnotYourFox
  • 14
    Bandit_wallaby02 • 19h It's sad. Your mom needs help. I can't imagine losing a child especially when they're little. But she can't hold onto her daughter forever. Sadly you took the brunt of it and it affected you for years. NTA OP go NC as this isn't healthy for any of you. ↑ 272
    via u/Bandit_wallaby02
  • 15
    Spirited-Safety-Lass • 18h It's so sad that the mother said she had nothing to celebrate with her second child right there. OP you should have been celebrated, you deserved to be celebrated and I'm sorry you weren't. 269
    via u/Spirited-Safety-Lass
  • 16
    FakeRussianAccent • 17h never leave your daughter alone with your mother. I'm not sure that OP's daughter should ever have ANY contact with OP's mother. OP, I hate that your childhood life was taken over by your mother's memory of your deceased sibling, that you never knew. Have you ever reached out to your father? | know you said that he bailed early, but knowing what you do of your mom, that might be understandable, although not forgivable. It might be worth reaching out to him. Just a thought
    via u/FakeRussianAccent
  • 17
    GuiltyPeach1208 • 19h It's too bad she didn't let herself enjoy being YOUR mom. This is the most heartbreaking part, for everyone. Not only did she lose a child, she refuses to see that she is actively missing out on being a mom to her other child. AND may ruin her chance at being a grandmother. She's so stuck in her grief that she's failing to see her actions have caused her to lose relationships with two other family members (three+ if you count your wife and any future children)! 337
    via u/GuiltyPeach1208
  • 18
    Apart-Ad-6518 - 20h Professor Emeritass [85] NTA 100% "My wife asked what I was like as a baby and asked to see photos of me but mom couldn't stop talking about her "most precious little girl". This was utterly unfair of your mom. She went through a terrible loss, but she should have found joy in having you. Instead, she let her unresolved grief cast a shadow over an innocent child ' My mom called me an evil erase my sister." for wanting to It's probably time to go NC with her. She can't & mustn
    via u/Apart-Ad-6518
  • 19
    Crafty_Price6241 OP. 20h Yep. And it would always feel extra crappy to hear stuff like "most precious little girl" and "special angel" and "my whole heart" while I was there and never got described in any kind of loving way by her. She could only talk lovingly about her daughter. It was like I was some random kid who lived with her. ← 2.5k
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 20
    Apart-Ad-6518 • 20h Professor Emeritass [85] I'm really sorry to hear it. At least your baby will never feel like that. Do get therapeutic input if you feel you need it at any point. It must've been incredibly tough for you. All the very best. 1k
    via u/Apart-Ad-6518
  • 21
    Crafty_Price6241 OP. 20h It was. I ended up going to therapy while I was in college. I had a lot of issues and my wife gently encouraged me to look at getting some help. She did her best to be my person to lean on but she knew I needed more help. Deep down I knew it too but I was too ashamed to seek help. It made me feel like a baby. But I realized during therapy it was the trauma talking. 1.4k
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 22
    Siren Noir 18h • Your mother is stuck in a dark place. She lost her sanity when she lost her daughter. Moving on is letting go and she refuses to let go. Loving your mom means not becoming an enabler. There are no involved. when mental health is And naming your child Ella's would be unfair to your child. She is her own person not a replacement. It's different if Ella was an adult who passed with significant meaning but when people name children after deceased children it is eerie. 127
    via u/Siren_Noir
  • 23
    NTA TheSciFiGuy80 • 20h Professor Emeritass [81] Have you tried suggesting counseling and therapy? It sounds like she seriously needs it. I also hope you have gone to professional therapy for yourself after all that abuse. She needs to understand the harm she caused her child who didn't die all these years. You are definitely NTA I can't even imagine someone insisting I name my child anything other than what I want to name them. Reply 1k
    via u/TheSciFiGuy80
  • 24
    Crafty_Price6241 OP • 20h I have not and I know better than to suggest it. It would only end in more screaming. And possibly her throwing a full blown fit. 732
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 25
    TheSciFiGuy80 • 20h Professor Emeritass [81] Personally that would have been my rules for maintaining contact. "Mom, if you want to continue a relationship with me and see your grandchild you MUST attend professional therapy. You will NOT do what you did to me all those years to my child." Full stop. If she yells, she yells. But you gave her the option, so she can't blame you if she can't be a part of the family. ... 701
    via u/TheSciFiGuy80
  • 26
    Crafty_Price6241 OP 20h • At this point I don't think there's a point. Even if she gets therapy I can't trust her. I never should have trusted her again to begin with. I felt bad. But I can't let my daughter grow up in the same way I did. She needs to be protected from my mom. ... ↑ 872
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 27
    joosdeproon • 20h Aficionado [15] Oh Gosh NTA x 1000 You have not had a normal life because of your mother's untreated grief. Can you imagine the nightmare if you were to "bring back" your sister? Your mother would make it weird and creepy to a level that you haven't even seen yet. Sadly I think you should once again go LC or NC. Please say your wife is on your side. Reply 722
    via u/joosdeproon
  • 28
    Crafty_Price6241 OP. 20h She is. My wife doesn't believe my mom is good for me and she's right. My mom isn't and she won't be good for any of our kids either. She'll just have them grow up as messed up as I did if we allow her in their lives. I see that now. 619
    via u/Crafty_Price6241
  • 29
    Peony-Pony • 20h Pooperintendant [51] NTA Your mother's life stopped the day your sister died. I am surprised your family have humored and indulged her maudlin behavior for all these years. Unless your mother agrees to start intensive therapy, you need to keep a healthy distance between her and you, your wife and soon to be child. She's not mentally stable. ... ← Reply 258
    via u/Peony-Pony
  • 30
    That_Internet_Weirdo • 20h NTA - OP do not, i repeat do not, let that woman anywhere near your wife or child. I don't care if for the next 2 years she's as perfect as a peach, do not let her ever be alone with your daughter, do not let her know what daycare you daughter will be in, activity groups, etc. I'd go as far as saying make sure she doesn't know where you live and to make sure you have cameras set up at your home. It may seem like an overaction but if this unhinged behavior has gone on f
    via u/That_Internet_Weirdo
  • 31
    IndicationCrazy8522 • 20h I am a parent whose child died. He was 7. He had 3 older siblings and 2 younger ones. Another one was born a year after he passed. I miss my son every day and wonder what he would be like. It's been over 30 years. I never forced my kids to grieve in any way. The first few years we went to the cemetary on his birthday and anniversary day but I never forced my kids to go. If they didn't want to I went alone. Now I grieve alone on those days. Sometimes some of my kids text
    via u/IndicationCrazy8522
  • 32
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