Woman Expects 'Bridesmaids' to Throw Her an Expensive Bachelorette Party Despite Not Inviting Them to Her Wedding

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  • 01
    r/AITAH u/buckeyebottlerocket ⚫ 13h • WIBTA if I tell my friend her "bridesmaids" won't be throwing her an extensive bachelorette party if we aren't invited to the wedding?
  • 02
    So I (27F) am friends with Jane (28F). Jane and her fiancée Brad (29M) recently got engaged. Jane is one of my best friends and we have known each other since college. When talking about our future weddings, Jane has always expressed that she wants me and a handful of our other closest friends to be her bridesmaids and to have a destination wedding. When I saw Jane and Brad the day they got engaged, one of the first things Jane said to me was how excited she was for me and our other friend to be
  • 03
    However, now that Jane and Brad have started looking at wedding planning, they have decided to have a tiny destination wedding in Colorado and only immediate family will be invited to save money. They also plan on having a casual party for all of the rest of their family and friends after, but there will be no ceremony or sit down dinner and will be very clearly NOT a second wedding.
  • 04
    Even though I was disappointed and hurt to hear that I would not be invited to the actual wedding, I understand that it is their right to have whatever kind of wedding they want, and if it is not important to her that her best friends be there, that's her choice. But what irked me is that Jane still expects a bridal shower, a long weekend trip to an expensive destination for her bachelorette party, and
  • 05
    mentioned a registry for wedding gifts. I find it a bit ridiculous that she still expects to have these things thrown by and (presumably) paid for by people that ARENT EVEN INVITED TO THE ACTUAL WEDDING! She still insists on calling us her "bridesmaids", but since we will not be present at the wedding and will have no special designation at the party, I don't see how we actually are.
  • 06
    Our friends are a bit split on what to do about this, some want to confront her about this, some think that would be an move. So, WIBTA for telling Jane that if she's not having a traditional wedding she can't expect traditional wedding benefits?
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    ETA: I think a few people are misunderstanding my point here, I'm not saying I don't want to celebrate her AT ALL or that she shouldn't get anything outside of her wedding, what's bothering me is her stated expectation of a big shower and bachelorette trip (she explicitly said she wants to go to Scottsdale, we are in Tennessee so this requires a flight) without an invitation to the wedding. She could throw any kind of backyard, courthouse, big, small, whatever WEDDING and I would be happy to do
  • 08
    NTA phyrsis • 13h "Bridesmaids" who aren't invited to the wedding aren't bridesmaids. Reply 8.1k
  • 09
    hiimlauralee • 12h Top Commenter Not even guests. Apparently they are just ATM's. 15k
  • 10
    Scorp128 • 11h Top Commenter And party planners 2k
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    Cute-Profession9983 • 13h Top Commenter NTA If none of you are invited to the wedding, none of you are bridesmaids. If none of you are invited to the wedding, a gift is not required ← Reply 2.3k
  • 12
    star_stitch 6h Top Commenter Totally agree the op is NTA. It's pretty simple, not a bridesmaid and therefore not responsible for what bridesmaids are expected to do. I'd say no confronting, just decline participating and wish her the best. 321
  • 13
    NTA Aggravating-Owl-8974 13h Top Commenter As far as the bridal shower goes, the moms can pay for it and the registry can be used to buy gifts. She can't expect anyone that isn't invited to the wedding to take her on a trip for her bachelorette. If she wants to plan and invite people, that's one thing, but paying for her? I don't think so. Reply 1.5k
  • 14
    Lucky-Effective-1564 • 12h Top Commenter Wow the greed of these people. She shouldn't expect people who aren't at the wedding to fork out for a registry gift either. ... 468
  • 15
    annang 11h • Top Commenter It's bad manners to invite anyone to a wedding shower who isn't invited to the actual wedding. So no, you don't get a registry or shower gifts if you elope. 123
  • 16
    TwoldleHands • 10h Yeah. The "free trip" is what would bother me. If she wants a girls weekend and everyone pays their own share, it's a win! Also, I'm happy to skip the wedding and just do the parties. Go get married and throw a BBQ when you get home. I'll happily show up with a wedding gift. 20
  • 17
    celticmusebooks • 11h Top Commenter A quick google search will tell your friend that it's a massive social faux pau to invite someone to a bridal shower who isn't invited to the wedding -- and that "bridesmaids" are attendants at the actual wedding. ALSO people not invited to the wedding have NO social obligation to provide any sort of gift-- though a nice card filled with your good wishes is a thoughtful gesture.
  • 18
    In terms of a bachelorette celebration -- since there are no bridesmaids to organize it (and it's not socially acceptable to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding) perhaps a compromise of getting together at someone's house with a couple of bottles of wine and everyone bringing an app -- or brunch out the weekend before the wedding with everyone picking up their own check and chipping in to cover the bride-- would be a great compromise. A book on wedding etiquette would make a perfect
  • 19
    shesinsaneornot • 8h A book on wedding etiquette would make a perfect engagement gift. I like your style. 157
  • 20
    iknowsomethings2 • 12h Top Commenter NTA. You don't get the whole nine yards if your wedding isn't the whole nine yards. She sounds selfish AF. I would just say, since you are just doing a private family only wedding, let's organise a close friends celebration after your married.
  • 21
    If she says anything to that, say well we aren't invited to the wedding, so a bridal shower, bachelorette etc doesn't make sense. Put it on her. If she still pushes back, just bail out. Doesn't sound like a friendship you want to maintain anyway. Reply 426
  • 22
    Prize Vegetable_1276 • 5h She and her friends live in Tennessee. She plans a smaller "low key" Colorado wedding and doesn't invite them. If she doesn't have lots of money why is she doing this out of state wedding instead of something in Tennessee? ← 29 3

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