Woman Questions 16-year Marriage When Unemployed Husband Shows His True Colors By Refusing to Take Care of Household Duties

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Oct 15, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen of the internet. There are times in our lives when a realization just hits us out of nowhere. We could be happily, comfortably minding our own business when suddenly we have a strong feeling remind us of our subconscious. 

It's not easy being in a long-term relationship and marriage. It takes patience, emotional intelligence, and maturity to grow with your partner, and want to be better for them. So many people struggle to take responsibility for their actions. 

In this Reddit thread, the original poster (OP) is a woman who's been with her husband since she was a teenager. Through their 16 years together, she feels like she's grown up and changed into being an adult, but feels like he hasn't. Unfortunately, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. But you'll have to read the full story below for all the juicy details. 

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  • 01
    r/TrueOffMyChest ⚫ 23 Dangerous-Onion2471 I have come to the realisation, he is never going to change and I have wasted my life.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 02
    I (f34) have been with my partner (m43) for 16 years. We were 18 and 27 when we started dating. We met when I was 16, I was obsessed with him but he wasn't interested in me. We fell out of contact and then met again.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 03
    When we started our relationship, we were actually in a very equal place. I know the age gap is off putting, but it was never an issue. We were both working similar retail jobs, we earned similar money, we have the same education level - we enjoyed the same things, we hated the same things, we were just incredibly compatible.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 04
    We didn't argue for the first 2-3 years of our relationship - he supported everything I chose to do, he cheered me on, he was amazing and vibrant and unconditionally loving.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 05
    During out 16 year relationship, I have continued to push my career, I now own my own business, fairly successful, to the point where it essentially runs itself and I just work there. I have learned languages. My tastes in music and film has changed, I am not the same person we were when we met. But he is.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 06
    3 years ago, he had a traumatic incident in his work place. He has not been able to go back to work. Which is fine, financially we are fine could always be better but we survive better than some. But he doesn't do anything around the house he thinks he does, - but he really doesn't. He tells me he does, but there's no evidence of it.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 07
    For sake of argument, lets look at last night - I had a really long day in work, nightmare customer and nothing just seemed to go right no matter what I did, so at one point in the day I send him a message saying I could really use a big old cuddle when I get in. His response "Don't worry about a thing, dogs will be walked, house will be tidy and tea will be
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 08
    ready when you walk through the door" - do you want to take a guess what I was met with when I walked in....? Dogs needed to be walked. House was a mess (which I don't understand, it was tidy when I left, we don't have kids and the dogs haven't used the 6 dishes that are in the sink), and not even a thought of what tea
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 09
    was supposed to be let alone it being ready.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 10
    I didn't say anything, I just gave him a kiss and started doing the washing up. I was really upset that nothing he said would be done, was done, but I didn't want to argue, I just wanted it done.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 11
    As soon as I start washing up he says 'Oh babe, don't worry about that, I'll do it now', now I didn't mean this any other way than what I said but I replied with 'It's fine, I'm here now, I'll have it done in a minute' which I did. But in that minute, he had gone upstairs and started to hoover... fine, great, wonderful. A minute
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 12
    after that he is banging the head of the hoover on the floor and literally having a tantrum because he has managed to block the hoover. Which he then throws to the ground and storms off.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 13
    So now I have to fix the hoover, which I do, because surprisingly slamming the head of the hoover on the floor won't clear the blockage (in fact it just jams the head of the hoover onto the pipe creating a vacuum, don't do it) but reaching in and just pulling the blockage out will. So after I fix the hoover, and proceed to clean the carpets I go back downstairs.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 14
    He is now sat on the chair in the kitchen, claiming that he has had a terrible day and that he is so incredibly under appreciated... Aghast, but still not wanting an argument I tell him I am sorry I have made him feel that way, harness the dogs and take them out.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 15
    Bare in mind, I got out of work at 5pm, got home, tidied up etc. Its now 6:10pm and I have about 40/50mins of light left to walk the dogs in. They are high energy breeds and need a good run, so by the time I get back its 7:20pm, pitch black out and hes 'worried' about me. And because he was worried, he hasn't put tea on yet.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 16
    So I do that. I left for work at 6.30am, and I am still going. He goes through ups and downs, of doing everything and doing nothing. But this pattern of promising me things and then never following though is happening a lot more recently.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 17
    And ever increasingly, I am being blamed for his shortcomings. If something goes bad in the day, its because I didn't do xyz, although often times he hasn't. told me xyz needed doing or he has told me not to do it. I have had the conversation with him many times about the fact I am not a mind reader, and sometimes we have to talk to
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 18
    actually achieve an outcome. In the 16 years we have been together, I have become an "adult" I run the house and a - business. I have duties. I have people who rely on me. He doesn't want that, and thats fine, but he's doing nothing to help his partner either.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 19
    He says he feels under appreciated, but I KNOW I am under appreciated.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 20
    Is this the whole sunk cost fallacy thing? We have been together so long. Our lives are completely entangled. I never wanted to get married, I wanted kids at one point - but I feel like I have delayed that because I think deep down I don't know if I want them with him.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 21
    He feels like the same person I met 18 years ago, and I feel like somebody completely different. I thought we would grow together. But he is never going to change is he? And I am just and idiot and a for thinking he would grow with me.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 22
    I don't want to end my relationship - who would get the dogs, there is too bigger fear of the unknown, its too difficult and painful to have a clean break, and despite all of this, I can't imagine my life without him. But this isn't the life I imagined.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 23
    I feel like I am being awful. I feel like I need to do more, but I don't have anything left, but I can't say that because then he will say that I am purposefully trying to make him feel bad. I am just exhausted.
    via u/Dangerous-Onion2471
  • 24
    pixiecantsleep • 23h ago • I have to ask. What are you getting out of this relationship? If you were single would you be doing the same things? Taking care of the dogs, cleaning when you get home? Making yourself dinner?
    via u/pixiecantsleep
  • 25
    If the answer is yes ... What is he bringing to the relationship? He doesn't provide financially. He's not taking care of the home. What seriously does this man do for you? How does he enrich your life?
    via u/pixiecantsleep
  • 26
    Ornery_Let_6488 • 23h ago Hey, just because this relationship is not serving you doesn't mean you've wasted your life. Everything you've described outside of your relationship indicate that you're a person who moves forward and grows with every year. I think the
    via u/Ornery_Let_6488
  • 27
    years without this man could be even more fruitful
    via u/Ornery_Let_6488

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