Deadbeat dad asks 29-year-old daughter to take him into her home after abandoning her at age 10, gets offended when she refuses: 'He said I was ungrateful and heartless'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Dec 20, 2024 3:00 PM EST

It's a sad fact of life that many kids don't get the supportive parents they deserve. Many a child has grown up dealing with the consequences of having a parental figure who was neglectful or abandoned them, and what's worse is that these old wounds can be brought to the surface again if those parents decide to try and make amends when they're adults.

When this happens, there is often an ulterior motive, as one woman suspected when her father tried to reconnect with her after leaving their family when she was 10. Left penniless and sick after his divorce from his second wife, he hoped that she would allow him to stay in her home. Thanks to what she had experienced in her relationship with him in the past, she refused, but both he and some of her extended family thought she was being unfair. Luckily, the internet was on her side.

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    CUINE ONED
    via Frank Holleman

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father after what he did to my mom and us growing up?
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    I (29F) grew up in a household where my mom was both mom and dad. My father left us when I was 10 after cheating on my mom multiple times and eventually moving in with another woman. He never paid child support or helped financially, leaving my mom to work two jobs to make ends meet. We struggled a lot—sometimes we didn't even know if we'd have food on the table.
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    For years, my father made no effort to be part of my or my siblings' lives. He didn't call, visit, or even send a card for birthdays or holidays. It was like we didn't exist to him. As I got older, I built a life without him and stopped expecting anything.
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    Recently, I got a call from my older brother (33M), who told me that our dad is now broke, sick, and living in poor conditions after his second wife left him. He's asking one of us to take him in and care for him. My brother declined because he has a family of his own and can't take on that responsibility. He suggested I might help since I don't have kids yet. When I said no, my dad called me directly for the first time in years. He said I was being ungrateful and heartless, claiming he's "still
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    I told him he made his choices years ago and can't expect me to step in now. He called me selfish and accused me of holding onto the past. Some family members agree with him, saying it's my duty to help him because "bl d is blad." But I can't bring myself to forgive someone who left us to suffer when we needed him the most. AITA for refusing to take in my estranged father?
    via Objective-Pause-5726
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    JanetInSpain Nope. NTA. DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN INTO YOUR HOME. "But family" is a stupid reason to allow a bu y or aber in your life, and he even stopped being family long ago. He stopped being your father when he left and turned his back on you. He deserves NOTHING. HE FAFO. Let him di alone and in poverty. Tell every family member who agrees with him that THEY can take him in. You are not obligated to forgive.
    via JanetInSpain
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    _s1m0n_s3z Estranged is estranged. NTA. He'll have to cope as best he can. It's not your problem. From the sounds of it, a whole lot of other folk also want nothing to do with him. He has burned bridges all over.
    via _s1m0n_s3z
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    rncikwb NTA. Tell those family members that if they really believe that bl d is bl d then they can take care of him. Because it was his "duty" to take care of you when you were growing up but he didn't. We're you not his bld then? And if they say "he made a mistake, forgive him" tell them "Well maybe I'm making a mistake now. I expect that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me in future".
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    mcmurrml Ha! Good one. I told OP where were this relatives when mom and the kids barely had food to eat? They have the gall to criticize?
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    Mother Search3350 Tell those 'bl d is bl d'AH's that bld will flow and bones will break if they ever have the audacity to call you about that POS sorry excuse of a human being relative of theirs again and they better lose your number Your father did when you were 10 years old NTAH
    via Mother_Search3350
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    babyluxe123 You're not the A-h le here. Your father made his choices, and it's understandable that you can't just overlook the past because he's in a tough spot now. You have every right to prioritize your own well- being and not feel obligated to care for someone who abandoned you and your family. Compassion is earned, not demanded.
    via babyluxe123
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    CinnamonBlue Your father thinks it's acceptable to abandon family. You're only following his example.
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    Nordenfeldt Agree to take him in as soon as he has paid all his mandated back child support. Including interest.
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    Usual-Canary-7764 Hey dad, you abandoned me 19 years ago and did not bother contacting me. I understand that you regret your mistakes and I empathise with you. Now please allow me to make the mistake of abandoning you too. If you are around in 19 years...we can share stories around our regrets and compare notes. Thanks. NTA OP
    via Usual-Canary-7764
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    Isabellallluminated at the end of the day, forgiveness and reconciliation are personal choices. You're not obligated to forgive your father or let him back into your life, especially if it compromises you.
    via IsabellaIlluminated
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    CrabbiestAsp NTA. The ONLY reason he is reaching out to 'reconnect' is because he needs something from you. If he was healthy and still with wife #2, he would not be contacting you. If the rest of your family is so set on 'bl_d is bl_d', they can help. I wholeheartedly believe that family is what you make it. Relationship dynamics trump sharing DNA. You may not have kids yet, but you have common sense!
    via CrabbiestAsp
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    A jemma If bl d is bl d,why are those who are guilting you not stepping in to take care of him?
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    1kBabyOil Bottles Where were they with this mindset when he abandoned his children?
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    DelayHefty644 NTA - Your dad ghosted you for years and now wants help? Nope. He ditched you when you were 10, never paid child support, and made your mom work two jobs. Now he's only calling because he needs something. Your brother's wrong to push this on you just cause you don't have kids. Stay strong and keep those boundaries up.
    via DelayHefty644
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    Dont-Blame-Me333 NTA but the clown who abandoned his kids, not caring whether they lived or di d, is the AH. BI d means nothing when you only use it to sponge off others. Tell him to go whinge to the female he abandoned you for, she got much more than you after all. Merely sperm donors don't get anything from us - not even a headstone. If others love him so much, tell him they volunteer - you don't.
    via Dont-Blame-Me333
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    Perfect Ring3489 Nta. You owe him nothing. Tell the people complaining to take him in. They will change their opinions fairly fast
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    Brycesmom Definitely NTA Why should you respect and care for a total stranger, one who chose to abandon you and have no connection to/with you. You have to do whatever you are most comfortable with ...
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    Hammingbir NTA. You are absolutely within your right to not take him in. In fact, you should block his number. This isn't a man who saw the error of his ways and has been trying to rebuild his relationship with you. This is a desperate AH who forgot you even existed until he needed something from you. He made his decision years ago and NEVER LOOKED BACK.
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    ExtraLengthiness5551 Choices have consequences... he made his choices... let him live with them.
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    RWAdvice He stopped being your father when you were 10. You owe him nothing. NTA
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    Simple-Plankton4436 NTA, what does he think you should be grateful for? Grateful for dad who didn't pay child support and who abandoned him? There is nothing you should be grateful for. And you were "still her son" when he did all that for you. So why should it be different now when he is struggling?
    via Simple-Plankton4436

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