19-year-old discovers that she was adopted and becomes angry with her adopted parents, sparking an argument with her mother: 'I told them it’s best I should leave'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Feb 10, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Where is there a point where telling the truth is important and where it doesn't really matter? It's something that you might expect to be cut and dry, after all, you should always tell the truth, right?

But this isn't always going to be the case and the actual reality might fall on a line somewhere in between. The truth might hurt people in some situations and they might not be ready to hear it, so you might choose instead to wait until another day to tell them. Similarly, it might not be your truth to tell and not a matter that really is yours to decide. 

That might have been the case in this situation when this now 19-year-old learned almost by mistake that she had actually been adopted at birth from her grandfather. You might argue that it wasn't his place to tell her in this situation, but she certainly would have the right to know at some point in her life.

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    Cheezburger Image 10465892096
    via Maria Seta

  • I personally know people in my life who were adopted (albeit knowingly) by people who chose to unconditionally love them and take them into their lives. Gone are the days of simply putting children out for adoption and never telling them like they might have used to. It's far too easy to find these things out

    The 19-year-old was frustrated with her parents for not sharing this truth with her, especially once they called her “ungrateful” for asking about and pushing the issue by pursuing her biological family with the help of DNA testing.

    Is she in the wrong here? Commenters in this online community certainly didn't seem to think so. Keep reading and decide for yourself.

  • 02

    "AITA for telling my adoptive parents I feel anger towards them?"

    I 19F was adopted at birth. I don't know this until I was 17. I found out in the worst way possible. My grandpa was drank and told me. I asked my parents and they confessed. They called me ungrateful for asking. After finding out I was adopted a lot of things suddenly made sense. My parents family often excluded me from things like family pictures and reunions. My mom would fight it (sometimes) but it wouldn't help. It felt like I never fit in.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 03
    When I turned 18 I moved in with my roommate. She said it might be cool to find out who my biological parents are. I asked my parents and once again I get called ungrateful. I didn't know were to look from there. My roomie suggested one of those ancestry DNA tests to find a match. We did that and boom, I got into contact with my biological uncle via email and soon. after that, phone. After that he told my biological mother about the situation.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 04
    She freaked out. We met and it was an amazing experience. I love her and I want to make a point that this does not take away from the love I have for my adoptive parents. I just hate how they covered it up. I got to meet the rest of my bio family as well. Since my parents treated me as ungrateful for asking questions about my biological family I didn't tell them.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 05
    I did, however, recognize that I would need to tell them eventually. I knew they would be angry but it had to happen. I visit them every so often. Keeping this secret from them was starting to make me feel guilty so I decided to tell them yesterday. I texted my mom asking if I could come over for dinner. She said yes and I had a conversation with them with all my siblings present. This made me uncomfortable but if my parents found out, they would find out as well. It all started well. My dad sta
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 06
    Their initial reaction was one of shock. My mom asked my siblings to go to their room so she and my father could talk to me alone. To my surprise, they weren't angry. They asked my why I did it. I told them the truth. Curiosity got the best of me. I thought my bld was theirs for 17 years and when I found out it wasn't, I had to find out where it comes from. They asked in what way could I forget everything they did for me and that family is more than blod connections. I told them I didn't forget.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 07
    My mom got really offended by this. How I could feel anger towards her was incomprehensible for her and my father. I told them it's best I should leave. My mom told not to come back until I learned some gratitude and learned to appreciate family. I'm sorry for any typing mistakes I made. I'm typing this at night and this is a stressful situation. AITA?
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 08
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: I could be TA because I went behind their backs to meet my family. I then told them I felt anger and left.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 09
    • Impossible_Disk_43 13h ago NTA. When people adopt, the idea is that the child is treated exactly as their own. By allowing the extended family members to mistreat you, they did not do right by you and I expect they know this. You were also wronged by the secrecy around the adoption. You are not being ungrateful by doing what most adopted children think of doing. Bl d relatives are a mystery in most families, but for adopted ones, it's magnified. Please don't feel guilty.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 10
    • Elegant Bluebird_460 11h ago NTA. I am an adoptive mother myself. No parent, adoptive or otherwise is ever owed anything from their children. That includes gratitude. And the fact that you have a problem with something they did in no way erases any gratitude you may feel, and clearly you do as you stated as such. To me this speaks of some difficulty in emotional regulation on her part. Her reaction was terrible, but unsurprising coming from someone that hid such a fundamental thing from their
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 11
    I am sorry you have to go through this. Just know you did nothing wrong here. With all of the other stress this has caused you please do not let worries about that take root. Your mother wronged you and cannot face that. That's not on you.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 12
    No-Throat-8885 13h ago Wow. You found out at 17? That's wild. NTA. Of course you're curious. Your parents sound unreasonable. I hope they calm down with time.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 13
    Pretend-Fortune52 13h ago . NTA. I recommend trying to find adoptee advocacy groups to help you meet people in similar situations. Many of these groups talk about the toxic nature of the grateful adoptee narrative.
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 14
    C Maiuscula • 12h ago NTA I would be pretty upset at people who lied to me for 17 years and allowed family members to mistreat me. Being grateful doesn't mean being a doormat.
    via throwawaytensionsall

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