Wife worries when 36-year-old husband of 8 years lies about buying dinner for 19-year-old classmate after returning to school: '[He] took her out for her birthday dinner and paid $78 for it'

I remember being in university lectures and having fellow students who were much older. I remember thinking about just how old they were, being in their early 30s or so, compared to me at 19-20 years old. That 10-year gap seemed impossibly huge to me and it was hard for me to think about how we could possibly be doing the same thing at such different points in our lives.

I've thought about this throughout the years, and at some point accepted that I was just naive. Now I realize that while naivety was involved, I was actually on the right track, but not necessarily in the way that I thought I was. 

It wasn't that those in their 30s were old—well, maybe they were… but I like to think, now in my 30s, that it was more so that I had so little experience that I couldn't conceptualize that age difference and what it really meant. When you're in your late teens and early 20s, practically every day, week, month, and year has been different for you for your entire life, and it's impossible for you to conceptualize that being any different than it has been.

Then you hit someone in the range of 25-28 and your frontal lobe develops, you settle into your career and it's as if time has frozen while also silently slipping past you. With it, the nuances of popular culture and their urgency and the importance they once offered your life blend into a blur of cyclical trends with cynical driving forces and insistent vapid emptiness. And, before you know it, you're in your 30s and thinking about going back to school and wondering what it would be like to be the mature student and on the other side of the whole thing.

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Author image for Brad Dickson Brad Dickson
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  • 01

    "I’m not cool with him hanging out after school or talking online/social media to 19 year old women. It doesn’t sit right with me."

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    via Andrej Lišakov

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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  • The point here is that if you're thinking of going back to school at any age, you shouldn't let it stop you, but you should also take into consideration what your relative age and experience in the world means when sparking up relationships of any sort with your much younger peers.

    Here we reach the point of the fact that I truthfully don't know what I'd talk to someone in their late teens or early 20s about. What might their interests be? Their concerns? Would we share anything in common that would prove a mutual interest? Outside of things pertaining to what they might be following in internet culture, I wouldn't have a clue.

    Still, it doesn't mean that trying to fit in and strike up conversation is necessarily wrong either, but there are definitely lines and boundaries there somewhere even without age gaps being involved. Making friends with your "peers" is fine in some sort of sense, but by the time you've reached the point where you're secretly paying for a young woman's dinner and lying about it to your spouse, you're already chest deep in bad decisions driven by questionable ethics. As was this woman's partner, who she discovered had been developing a closer relationship with one of his classmates than he had been forthcoming about.

  • 02

    "AITA for asking my 36m partner not to have 19f friends"

    My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years. We have children together, live together, and have an almost 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship which makes this whole thing weirder since she's so close in age to his new "friends".
    via rasiaruka
  • 03
    Recently he changed careers and decided to go back to college, which was my recommendation in the first place. I love this for him and support him fully. However, long story short I caught him hanging out with a woman at the college and took her out for her birthday dinner and paid $78 for it. He didn't tell me about this, I found out by his story not lining up and asking
    via rasiaruka
  • 04
    more questions then looking into it. We worked through it and he apologized. He said he feels like the dad on campus and felt like it was a nice gesture to pay for her. I think not. He also told me he couldn't remember her name.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 05
    Fast forward to 2 months later and I catch him talking to a 19 year old girl from the program, he mentioned something about a pretty blonde that plays. Minecraft that we should invite to our realm, I asked what her name was and he said he didn't know, so I asked my friend who is also in the class and he told me her name, that's when I discovered my partner has her on fb. When I
    via rasiaruka
  • 06
    asked him how he has her on fb yet doesn't know her name it seems like he's avoiding telling me? I asked to see if they talked and he deleted the conversation so I never got to see what was said. She is now dating a 20 year old from the program so now they all hangout as friends, even after school. He thinks it's okay because she's got a partner now.
    via rasiaruka
  • 07
    Last, there was a bunch of photos uploaded from the program on the schools social media and I saw my partner with a bunch of people so I asked them who they are to match a face to the names and stories he tells me. And he told me it's none of my business. This triggered a severe panic attack. He eventually told me who everyone
    via rasiaruka
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  • 08
    was after I explained I just like to be in the know so that I don't find things out unexpectedly like I did in the past and feel hurt. He said he hangs out with a few of the girls and of course I look them up and they are all 19. I also found out that he follows them on social media.
    via rasiaruka
  • 09
    I can't just tell him not to talk to people in the program because I don't agree with that, however I do want full transparency and boundaries because I'm not cool with him hanging out after school or talking online/social media to 19 year old women. It doesn't sit right with me.
    via rasiaruka
  • 10
    For context I am NOT a jealous person, I do not go through his phone, I do not have his password. But those two incidents with him hiding stuff has made me insecure and suspicious and I've asked him to help me gain it back by being trustworthy but it will take time.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 11
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ahle: I am wondering if I am the a hle by being controlling and not allowing my partner to have 19 year old friends.
    via rasiaruka
  • 12
    Cheezburger Image 10474915840
    via Andrej Lišakov

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 13
    la... • . 3h ago Edited 2h ago I caught him hanging out with a woman at the college and took her out for her birthday dinner
    via rasiaruka
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  • 14
    and paid $78 for it. He didn't tell me about this, I found out by his story not lining up and asking more questions then looking into it.
    via rasiaruka
  • 15
    ་་་་་་ ་་་་་་ ་་ I saw my partner with a bunch of people so I asked them who they are to match a face to the names and stories he tells me. And he told me it's none of my business.
    via rasiaruka
  • 16
    The h l it isn't!! What he does affects you. You have a big stake in this relationship. You are NTA but your husband partner...he is definitely TA and it sounds. like he's trying to re-live his youth...without you. :\ You're right, you can't just tell him to not hang out/talk to them. You can, however, adjust your behavior in light of what he's doing.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 17
    Only you can decide what that means for you and your relationship but from what you're saying, it sounds like he has no problem acting inappropriately and disrespecting your marriage to him.
    via rasiaruka
  • 18
    GreekAmerican Dom . 3h ago NTA Look, if he's in college, he is going to socialize with young people, men and women. He may also end up being friends with them on social media. BUT
    via rasiaruka
  • 19
    Your partner is being very sus about all of this. He is clearly flirting and being inappropriate. You should want transparency and boundaries. It is time to let him know that he is behaving in ways that are jeopardizing the trust your in your relationship. It is up to him to decide what to do about that and deal with consequences if he doesn't shape up.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 20
    ivo... 2h ago Edited 2h ago . nta. your partner is very weird. I'm a 19 year old girl and I fear this is weird and EXTREMELY creepy behavior he as a 36 year old WITH A. 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER should know that he should not be mingling with 19 year old like they're his besties
    via rasiaruka
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    benjm88 3h ago • I think its weird the buying dinner and definitely dodgy to be lying. The friends part isn't in itself an issue for me, he's in a place with generally much younger people. I've been that person at work (the youngest one by miles) and am glad people still spoke to and became friends with me.
    via rasiaruka
  • 22
    I do wonder about the reason he might have lied. Your mention of you 'caught him' talking to someone which suggests you immediately disapprove of him even talking to any of these people. It sounds as though these are mixed gender groups too.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 23
    user32590 • 3h ago NTA. What does he even have in common with a 19 year old?? And the red flag is that most of them seem to be girls. Idk man this is pretty f ed up. Also yeah pretty sure he's cheating.
    via rasiaruka
  • 24
    notrightmeowthx 3h ago I think attending school is a case where it makes sense to make some friends that might be a lot younger than you... it's the rest of his behavior that is the problem. NTA I have some friends that are a lot younger than me because they just happen to have some of the same hobbies I do. Sometimes I
    via rasiaruka
  • 25
    take a parental-ish role even. But I don't randomly forget their names, I don't hide social activities like taking one of them to dinner, etc, there's no reason for it. His behavior is super sus and I don't think you should stay with him because he's demonstrated to you that he's the type of person who is waiting for an opportunity to do things you don't want him to do. As in, he's worried about getting caught, not about doing the right thing.
    via rasiaruka
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  • 26
    dancesonhertoes 3h ago • As someone who went back to school in my 30's (I think I was 36-38) at first I thought it wasn't that weird. Our program was intense and we bonded, even the ones who were younger. However he is being weird about this. There is no reason to be buying others full meals out, he absolutely knows their
    via rasiaruka
  • 27
    names if he's hanging out with them, and it seems to be all women. And he refers to the one as a "pretty blonde". He's being weird, and I would be highly concerned...
    via rasiaruka
  • 28
    garboge32 . 3h ago My buddy's close to 30 and is in college while his fiance isn't, she's working. You know how many kids he hangs out with? Zero unless it's school related, project, pier tutoring, that kind of school related stuff. "I'm not really looking for friends, I've got a wife at home to occupy my time." It also helps that he finds them more annoying than entertaining, the younger kids in his class anyway
    via rasiaruka
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  • 29
    Distorted_Penguin . 2h ago NTA. Why do you have to claw the information out of him? If he doesn't think what he's doing is shady why is he lying to you about it?
    via rasiaruka

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