"I'm not gonna be doing bridesmaid-level work if I'm not one": 15-year friendship comes to an end when bride saddles wedding planning on best friend's shoulders despite excluding her from wedding party

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Mar 19, 2025 7:00 PM EDT

Being a bridesmaid at a close friend or family member's wedding is an incredible honor. It means that they not only hold your relationship in high regard, but they also trust you to commit to the many responsibilities that come with being a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are a major source of emotional support for the bride-to-be as wedding planning can be a major cause for stress despite the happy occasion. They are also often brought in to get second opinons over decorations, dresses, and other logistics. 

In our story today, a young woman is expected to do all of the aforementioned labor for her friend of 15 years – except she has not been chosen to be a bridesmaid. Her bestie has instead picked newer friends to be a part of her wedding party. Despite this, she shoulders all of this responsibility on our protagonist, who starts to feel rightfully taken advantage of. Scroll down for the full story. 

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  • 01

    AITA for refusing to help my best friend with her wedding because she didn't make me a bridesmaid?

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  • 02
    My best friend [24F] we'll call her may, and I [24F] have been close since middle school. We've talked about being in each others weddings, so when she got engaged last year, i assumed I'd be a bridesmaid.
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 03
    She recently asked me to help with the wedding planning, but when she showed me the list for her bridal party, I wasn't on the list. I asked why, and
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 04
    she got awkward and said she had to make some choices. The party included her sister, her fiancés sister, and a few newer friends she's known for a couple of years. She wanted a small party.
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 05
    I didn't want to make it a big deal though. I congratulated her and figured I'd still be a guest. But then she started asking me for a lot of help, things like dress shopping, DIY decorations, venue hunting, making party favors, etc etc..
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 06
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  • 07
    I finally told her, "Hey, I love you, but I feel weird doing all of this when I'm not even a bridesmaid.” She got angry and said that she thought I'd still
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 08
    want to be involved because we're best friends. I told her I'd still be at the wedding, but I wasn't gonna do all of this extra work when she didn't even consider me close enough to be at her bridal party.
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 09
    Now she and some of our mutual friends are giving me the cold shoulder, saying I'm being petty and making the wedding "about me." But I'm not gonna be doing bridesmaid-level work if I'm not one. AITA???
    via u/Alternative_Scar5530
  • 10
    lamIrene "Hey, I love you, but I feel weird doing all of this when I'm not even a bridesmaid." She got angry and said that she thought I'd still want to be involved because we're best friends. NTA. She wants free labor from you. She's trying to enlist your help because her bridesmaids probably have either already said no (even though that's their job) or because she doesn't want to burden them with the menial tasks she wants to dump on you.
    via u/lamIrene
  • 11
    That she got angry when you stood up for yourselves speaks volumes. Good on you for not letting her use you.
    via u/lamIrene
  • 12
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    via Alexsandr Baitelman
  • 13
    Jodenaje Yeah, she's definitely trying to use OP. Doesn't sound like much of a best friend. OP, you might think she's your best friend, but she definitely doesn't think you're her best friend.
    via u/Jodenaje
  • 14
    lamlrene It's the whole "You're my best friend, I thought you'd want to be part of my wedding!!" So manipulative. It's just gross.
    via u/lamlrene
  • 15
    Discount_Mithral Not only is she asking for free labor from OP, she's asking for the labor that the MOH usually does. These tasks, dress shopping, venue hunting, decoration making - they are all things the MOH traditionally takes care of.
    via u/Discount_Mithral
  • 16
    I agree that she likely has already asked the other bridesmaids and they have said no - which is weird, because one of them is her sister, who *should* be elated to help out.
    via u/Discount_Mithral
  • 17
    NTA. OP it might be time to reevaluate this - friendship and where you stand with her and her new friend group.
    via u/Discount_Mithral
  • 18
    lamIrene Exactly. I also hate the idea that the bride probably thinks OP should be grateful to be included in any way...as though it's some great honor to be doing unacknowledged grunt work for the bride.
    via u/lamIrene
  • 19
    Couch-Potato-Chips I feel like it's because she thinks OP doesn't fit her aesthetic and she doesn't want to include OP in the party
    via u/Couch-Potato-Chips
  • 20
    Canadasaver Wrong colour? Wrong height? Prettier than the bride? All things I thought must be the reason. NTA and the bride is not a real friend.
    via u/Canadasaver
  • 21
    TheBlueMenace Wrong weight is the most common sadly.
    via u/TheBlueMenace
  • 22
    Tight_Jaguar_3881 She also wants you to spend your money on all her desires for the wedding. You are an ATM if she did not even include in the wedding.
    via u/Tight_Jaguar_3881
  • 23
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  • 24
    1000thatbeyotch NTA. She chose her new friends over you. If the bridal party was strictly family, it would be one thing, but she wants you to do all the work for her without actually being a part of the gown shopping and hair and make up. That is extremely hurtful and would make me rethink the friendship and even attending the wedding.
    via u/1000thatbeyotch
  • 25
    Tempting Penguin369 The fact that they're cold-shouldering her for not doing unpaid labor means she's told others that OP is not providing unpaid labor is unconscionable.
    via u/TemptingPenguin369
  • 26
    Carmen Dee Jay It's hard to get over the feeling of being "replaced" by new and fresh friends. But friendships fluctuate. It is very possible that she doesn't feel you'd mesh that well with her new friends. That makes HER
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 27
    S k, not you. You have every right to step back from having to do all her bidding. And if anybody says anything to you about it, just remind them that there are several others in her wedding party that should support the bride.
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 28
    When my sister married my brother-in-law, I was excluded from the wedding party. She referred to me as her personal attendant, which was her way of getting me to do all the work but not be included in the wedding itself.
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 29
    I figured at the very least I'd be named in the wedding program. Nope. Nothing. I did all the running, babysat her kids during the whole ceremony, helped decorate and clean up, and even took her kids while she went on her honeymoon.
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 30
    When the pictures were taken, she created her wedding album from her favorites. I wasn't in a single one. It was then that I realized we just weren't very close.
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 31
    I was very bothered by it, I'll admit. But when I got married, I excluded her from my wedding party. Of course, I married at city hall, so it wasn't that blatant. However, I was conversing with my sister and cousin one time about ten years ago during cousin's bridal shower. She asked about my sister's
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 32
    wedding, and I just answered, "Oh, no. We're not very close at all." My sister's mouth dropped open (I have only one sister). "Yes, we are!" I turned and looked at her, "Um, no. If life gives me hardships, you'd be the last person I'd look to for a shoulder. You don't even know who I am."
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 33
    Since then, she's changed. She's worked HARD for it, too. We now go on vacations every year, and we call each other regularly.
    via u/CarmenDeeJay
  • 34
    Rough-Instruction-48 I am glad in the end you were clear about how you viewed your relationship and she understood the assignment in earning that relationship back.
    via u/Rough-Instruction-48
  • 35
    MurkyMitzy NTA. Last time I checked, wedding planners get paid.
    via u/MurkyMitzy

Tags

friendship bride besties best friends wedding drama bridesmaids toxic Female Empowerment relationships wedding love entitled breakup red flag bridezilla Reddit entitled people
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