Man refuses to lift a finger for new baby despite agreeing to split childcare 50/50 with his wife, he and mother-in-law pressure her to quit her job to become full SAHM instead: "His ability to work at his best must be prioritized"

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Apr 3, 2025 6:00 PM EDT

How do you and your partner split domestic duties? In the past, men took on the role of the "provider" while women focused on raising kids and maintaining the home. While many still adhere to this lifestyle, women have been a part of the workforce for decades now. They earn their living just like men, and as such, modern couples tend to split chores and childcare between themselves.

In our story today, a woman's husband seems to be stuck in the past. Even though they agreed to split childcare 50/50, our protagonist finds herself being forced into taking on full motherhood duties. Her man and mother-in-law expect her to quit her job in order to be a SAHM even though just a few years ago, she was a total girlboss who used her savings to pay for the house they live in. To get all the details of this infuriating story, scroll down below!

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  • 01

    AITAH husband and MIL making me be SAHM but I paid for our house

    My career is "optional"
    via Lesia Sementsova

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    My husband is rich. Like, makes $50,000 a month rich. We agreed on three things before our baby was born.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 03
    1. If I covered the 20% downpayment on our house. he'd cover the monthly expenses including childcare.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 04
    Cheezburger Image 10489138688
    via Anton Estrada

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 05
    2. If I leave my (high paying) job after my mat leave was up my husband would support me focusing on building my consulting business which would give me more flexibility with our baby.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 06
    3. We'd get a full time nanny so we could both work (and while WFH get to see the baby) and outside nanny hours we'd split childcare 50/50.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 07
    The issue came up when now my husband refuses to lift a finger because he's the "provider". He won't do any overnights even though baby takes bottles. I am exhausted and burnt out and feel like I got bait and switched. I tried to talk to him and he blew up at me calling me a princess and lazy.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 08
    I guess he ran to his mom because I got a message the next morning saying I am putting the family in financial crisis if I don't be a SAHM for at least the next couple months. AITAH to telling them no I will not be forced into being a SAHM?
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 09
    Cheezburger Image 10489138944
    via Stockbusters

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 10
    Edit: I hope this is clear: we DO have a nanny. I've mentioned this in several comments. However, I am covering all the hours outside the nanny + emotional
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 11
    and mental load of parenting. Given the sleepless nights I have to use the nanny time to recuperate when I hoped to use it to start my business, as we had talked about.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 12
    Edit2: While my job paid well it would not cover enough of our monthly expenses and it was very demanding, meaning we'd have to hire much more childcare OR husband would have to do much more childcare if I were to go back. He believes that puts his business, which pays our monthlies, in jeopardy.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 13
    That's why it would create a "financial crisis" (both if I started a business and if I went back to work). Because his business pays the monthlies his ability to work at his best must be prioritized and
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 14
    protected, but my career is "optional". This is upsetting to me because in my view, I paid upfront, but still am stuck with 100% of the off-hours childcare and not allowed to ask for help.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 15
    回 2 PAP
    via filadendron

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 16
    StrangledInMoonlight If he makes $50k a month and you working puts "the family in financial crisis" there's a giant line of Bull sh. Is it mom or husband lying?
    via u/StrangledInMoonlight
  • 17
    Maybe he lost money gambling or doesn't make that much money, or maybe he lied to mom or she's lying to you.
    via u/StrangledInMoonlight
  • 18
    No_Departure_9224 OP Our expenses are quite high to be fair. House payments are $14k, full time nanny, house cleaners once a week, and various expenses like a million baby showers and weddings and birthdays and we try to be generous. We also had to furnish the house which my husband mostly paid for.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 19
    I know I come off super privileged and we ARE super privileged! Which is why I'm not sure if I'm being super entitled. But I paid hundreds of thousands for our house that I worked hard and saved for. I wanted a life of balance between work and family and thought I paid my fair share for it.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 20
    This probably comes off super tone deaf like oh poor you in your expensive house with your childcare and housecleaning.. but I'd trade it for a smaller house, we balance our chores together, and freedom to work on my career AND family..
    via u/No_Departure_9224

  • Just because this couple is priveledged doesn't mean that our protagonist isn't facing financial manipulation. She deserves to be respected by her husband, but instead he is driving her into a financial corner. 

  • 21
    Gold_Adhesiveness_80 It doesn't really matter how much money or materialistic stuff you have. Your husband is not a safe trustful partner. He is a man that has shown you he is not a safe partner.
    via u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80
  • 22
    The money and stuff only matters if you are willing to stay with him because money and materialistic mean more to you than a safe partner and involved father.
    via u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80
  • 23
    No_Departure_9224 OP I think I really needed to hear this validated thank you. I told MIL the insults he has said (worse than what I listed here) and she told me, effectively, I needed to do better and that he's just stressed and I needed to take
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 24
    more off his plate. That I have it so easy and he works so hard to provide for us, so why am I making life harder? Of course he'll get angry with me if I take take take and he has the burden of the family on his shoulders and I am still asking for more.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 25
    FIRE_flying NTA. You need to look after yourself and your child. Your husband is trying to control you. Please be careful in how you handle your situation. Can you reach out to your family for help, and to get some sleep?
    via u/FIRE_flying
  • 26
    No_Departure_9224 OP Thank you for the kind words. My family are all out of state but I'm working on building out a support system to get through until we can sleep train. I could potentially cover a night nurse out of my savings, but I am frustrated I have to do so because it feels so imbalanced..
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 27
    Cutecuddler22 NTA. Marriage is not a one way thing. He's supposed to help out with things in the house
    via u/Cutecuddler22
  • 28
    CuteSparkleKitten You're right on this, bringing money to the table doesn't mean he doesn´t have to do anything else.
    via u/CuteSparkleKitten
  • 29
    cthulularoo Time to look for an exit. If he's throwing the "I'm the provider" line around now, you're not going to enjoy being dependent on him for money. If you have to move back to your family to get support do that. ΝΤΑ.
    via u/cthulularoo
  • 30
    Maleficent_Count6205 I would ask "how is me working and bringing in an income going to put my family in financial stress?" Because that sounds like a bunch of garbage to scare you into listening.
    via u/Maleficent_Count6205
  • 31
    No_Departure_9224 OP Their logic is that husband needs his rest to keep the business alive that pays for our house and lifestyle.
    via u/No_Departure_9224
  • 32
    ivorykeys87 Leave his a, go get your high paying job back, and absolutely take him to the cleaners on alimony and child support.
    via u/ivorykeys87
  • 33
    Successful_Image3354 I'm confused. How can you put the family in financial crisis by not working? Particularly since he makes $600,000 a year. And you're lazy because you don't want to be a SAHM? None of this makes any sense, and why is the fact that you put down the down- payment relevant?
    via u/Successful_Image3354
  • 34
    shaynef81 She's trying to illustrate that they had an agreement prior and she lived up to her part but he's not living up to his i believe.
    via u/shaynef81
  • 35
    Hoshi Jones Your husband is showing you exactly how little he respects you, and from what you've said here, how little he actually loves you. NTA, but is this what you want?
    via u/HoshiJones

Tags

stay at home mom relationship advice sahm marriage Female Empowerment wife married life relationships husband divorce mother in law red flag girlboss
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