Uncle promises to help pay for niece's college tuition, goes back on his word 8 years later now that he has his own child: 'Michael Scott did the exact same as you'

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    AITA for refusing to pay for my niece's college even though I promised to years ago when I was in a better financial spot?

    When my niece was around 10, I made an offhand promise at a family dinner that I'd help pay for her college one day. At the time, I was single, had a high-paying job in tech, and no real financial responsibilities. I loved her like a daughter, and I genuinely meant it - assuming I'd always be in a position to help when the time came.
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    Fast forward to now she just - turned 18 and got into a good (but expensive) private university. The problem is, my life looks nothing like it did back then. I got laid off during the pan mic, took a huge pay cut when I changed careers, and recently had my first child. Between daycare, rent, and trying to rebuild my savings, we're barely scraping by. I simply can't afford to cover her tuition - not without sacrificing things my own kid needs.
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    When I explained this to my sister (her mom), she was furious. She said I "made a promise" and now I'm "abandoning" my niece. I offered to help in small ways like buying books, helping with housing if she chooses a local school, or co-signing a loan - - but that wasn't enough for them. My niece barely speaks to me now and my sister told our whole family that I "lied for attention."
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    Now I'm getting side-eyes and guilt-trippy texts from other relatives. A few are saying I shouldn't have made the promise if I wasn't going to follow through. But I never imagined my life would take such a turn — and I didn't expect them to act like I'm a villain for not being rich anymore.
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    I still care about my niece and I want her to succeed. But I have to put my own family's needs first. I feel terrible, but also a little angry that no one's acknowledging how much my situation has changed. AITA for refusing to pay for her college even though I said I would years ago?
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    Commenters weighed in on what they thought he should do.

    Kris82868 • 2h ago . Help pay for college and pay for college in total are different things. Which did you promise?
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    t01nfin1ty4ndb3y0nd 1h ago . is that even a promise thought? If they were serious, there should have been follow up discussion about how much he's willing to pay, in what form (i doubt people give out lump sum cash for college) and if that includes only tuition or other aspect of the college. You know, normal things people discuss once you think its serious, not like ambusing him like this so he couldn't get out of it without making a big scene.
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    Quiet-Hamster65... 2h ago Tbh I'm hard pressed to think your niece held onto this promise for 8yrs.. more like her mother kept telling her and pushing her to go an expensive private one because a random verbal promise made by her sibling was something she's absolutely clutched to like it she was entitled to it
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    Assignment Old97... . 2h ago You have never heard the cautionary tale of "Scott's Tots?"
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    No_Journalist6170 · 2h ago Michael Scott did the exact same as you TA just a long time ago.
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    immediateallabou... . 2h ago Did your family not know you had lost your job? Did they not know you had a child? Did they not see your struggles? They're deluded. if they think you lost everything but somehow kept a secret pile of cash somewhere. NTA
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    • -Blue_Bird- 2h ago I feel like you have to be leaving something out here. Casually mentioning something at a dinner party with no specifics 8 years ago is not a commitment. If your niece and sister brought this up to you at any point in the interim and you continued to agree or at least not correct them that this was not going to happen then yes you are totally TA.
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    Another peice where we need more information is in your original part you say you "offhandedly" were doing to "help pay for" but later you say "promised" and "to pay for" which are extremely different. You also say you "loved" her like a daughter in the past tense. Did your level of closeness change?
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    If it was never mentioned again after that dinner and went down exactly like you said it did... it's pretty crazy for anyone to expect you to pay for the entire tuition at an expensive private university. So I'm feeling like
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    either Al wrote this, you are completely misrepresenting how and when you promised this and to what level. Or at a minimum they brought it up that you would be covering everything many times since then and you always agreed / never corrected. OR they are wildly entitled and taking advantage and that's
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    absolutely crazy to expect you to cover that without at least reconfirming you were good with it during the application process. But yeah, I have trouble believing this went down the way you lay it out
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    HottieDollex • 2h ago Financial situations aren't set in stone. I lost everything in my divorce right before my nephew started college. Had to break a similar promise. It sucked, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Protect your financial health first.
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    bibbiddybobbidy... • 2h ago ESH You, if you meant it, you could have put money aside before the pan mic and when things didn't pan out, let them know. Your sister, she should have sat down, asked if you were serious, how much etc so she could work out what she could rely on from you and what she needed to save.
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    E... . . 2h ago Edited 19m ago NTA for not being able to pay it, that's just life. Slight TA for making the promise at the time without knowing for sure that you'd able to follow through on it. Like yeah, they shouldn't have taken an offhand offer years ago as a binding
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    promise but I can see why they're annoyed about you wanting to make a big sweeping gesture at the time and then being like yeah no sorry I actually can't do that anymore. It's a big thing to say without being. really serious about it.
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    Some_BullCrap_L... • 2h ago ESH, but they are entitled and you were just young. They should know better NOT TO assume nothing have changed in these years or at least to ask what are your current possibilities.
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    Remarkable-Donu... 2h ago NTA. Your situation changed. If your guilt . tripping family members are that concerned, they can start a collection and everyone can contribute. Your niece banked on something that wasn't guaranteed because money is never guaranteed, so if she can't make it work, that's on her and her parents.
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    bacongrilledchee... . 2h ago YTA. If you're helping someone with college, you start a savings account for them. You did lie for attention, to boast about your money, but made no actual moves to follow through on it
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    24601moamo • 2h ago YTA for a couple reasons. Don't make promises you cannot keep. When said, if serious, then you should have started a college savings account for her. You didn't. She chose a college
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    and you are just telling her now? The pan mic was 5 years ago. You had 5 years to tell them your circumstances had changed but wait until she chooses her college. I hope you parent better than you communicate.
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    Effective_Pin_1290 2h ago Soft TA, if you had really meant it you would have put money away at the time. Don't make promises you can't keep.

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