Man nearing retirement refuses to use his savings to fund in-laws' expensive lifestyle, unwilling to support them after years of their irresponsible spending: ‘I worked my whole life to save this money, I don’t feel like enabling this fantasy lifestyle’

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Oct 29, 2025 5:00 PM EDT

Nothing tests a marriage like deciding how much of your retirement should fund someone else's bad decisions. In this case, it's the in-laws, who treat "fixed income" like a suggestion and boutique grocery stores like a basic human right. The man spent decades being the fiscal ant: working, saving, skipping vacations, and watching compound interest like it was his kid's graduation. Now, as he nears retirement with a hard-earned nest egg, his wife reveals a new family investment plan: charity for her parents, powered by his diligence and resentment.  

The in-laws aren't broke, just allergic to adjustment. Even with small pensions and part-time income, they prefer artisanal poverty over practical budgeting. Supplements, premium groceries, and "bad luck" have formed an elegant self-sabotage routine that somehow ends with someone else footing the bill. And someone else, predictably, is the in-law they once thought was too uptight about money.  

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  • With for not wanting to support my In-Laws

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  • First off, I think I am probably the AH because don't want to help my In- laws who are in need.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • However, my parents drilled into my head that I have to save for my retirement. I have given up a lot of instant gratification for myself and my family to insure we have a retirement nest egg and I resent paying a "savers" tax to my (IMHO) frivolous In-laws.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • am getting ready to retire. My wife has a pretty-good paying job (for Medium-COL) our area.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • Between us we have ~ 1.5 mil in retirement funds. Sounds like it's a lot, but doesn't meet current recommended amount for a couple.
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  • I worked my whole life to save this money, putting off vacations and other "instant gratifications" to make sure we can support ourselves when we retire.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
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  • My in-laws have made "unfortunate" financial decisions throughout their life and have had "bad luck", so they have zero savings.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • They have been scraping by on SSI and a part-time job my MIL has (even though she's in her late 70s).
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  • Because of this, and some recent medical issues, they are in need of help, they can't pay their bills and eat regularly on their current income.
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  • More backstory, my MIL insists on shopping at the boutique grocery store and buying any and every health food supplement available (my biased/jaded opinion).
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • So when I say "they can't afford to eat regularly" I mean "they can't afford to buy premium food products and health food supplements without skipping meals".
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
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  • OTOH, they are still kicking at 75" so.... In my view, they have done nothing to shrink their life to match their income, so I don't feel like enabling this phantasy lifestyle.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • After a recent health scare, my wife threw down an ultimatum, saying "we have to help", but her version of help is to liquidate retirement funds to buy/build them a home.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • I objected. Her current plan is to find that a nice apartment and for us to supplement them about $1k/ month.
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  • I think this is too much, as it will crimp our lifestyle, but am losing the argument I don't have an alternate plan because it makes me very very angry that they want to move in on our future (I think, ant and grasshopper...) Am I TH for not wanting to make myself poorer in order to make them not poor?
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  • javlafan2 First, you must investigate every government food and housing assistance they are eligible to receive. Second, a budget must be enforced. If your wife wants to subsidize their housing and food costs she will have to delay her retirement, get a job and pay their living expenses. Last, but very important, as long as you are subsidizing them in any way. NO CREDIT CARDS!
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • OP grumpy_SW_Tester I agree on the credit cards.. Fortunately they have poor credit, so can't get a card. OTOH, during Covid, they stopped paying utilities, because they couldn't be turned off, so they are paying extra to repay some undetermined back-balance. And recently got new Iphones with ATT, so are locked into a ~250/mo phone plan, SMH.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • Lvl 1treefoxxi What if you guys take out what you have respectively put in and then she can support her parents on her part of the funding?
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  • OP grumpy_SW_Tester We are an Old-school couple who have pooled finances. In fact, I recently transferred all my work 401k funds into a shared IRA, so it's all community property now.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • BeachinLife1 You need to double-password protect all the money before this issue is settled. If she just will not listen to reason, and wants to support her parents, tell her that she can keep working and support her parents with her paychecks. If she will not stop till she's bought her parents a house (that they won't pay the taxes and insurance on!) tell her that you can get a lawyer and she can use her half of the assets to support her parents.
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  • wowgamertbc NTA! Don't give them a dime! You give them money expect to keep giving them money and supporting both of their bad money habits until they die. Your in laws need a serious reality check. They would be able to survive by shrinking their spending and being more thrifty.
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  • Ok_Play2364 There's always divorce your wife and let her take care of HER parents.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • 1 RainbowUnicorn NTA. Unless they are going to stop buying gourmet items and expensive supplements, I would not be supplementing them! Your wife is out of line suggesting you buy them a house! If they have medicare, their Healthcare costs can't be that high. They need to apply for medicaid in addition to the medicare they already have. There are all sorts of services available through your local senior center including low cost meals daily! They should be getting social security benefits in addi
    via grumpy_SW_Tester
  • Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Your wife is being ridiculous and acting out of emotion. Don't say that to though. Suggest you sit down and go through their finances. You're not willing to even consider giving money to people who overspend and who are demonstrably bad with money.
    via grumpy_SW_Tester

  • Pretty funny how thrift turns into punishment. Spend your life saying no to fun, and you end up funding other people's yes. He sees it as classic ant-and-grasshopper economics. She sees it as family loyalty. Neither is wrong, but one clearly has a stronger calculator.  

    He wanted golden years, not adoption papers. But love, like finances, often comes with surprises. Some people plan their retirements. Others accidentally merge finances with fate.

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family drama inheritance saving money mother tradition wife family feud favoritism in laws mother in law retirement Father
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