25 Funny Marriage Tweets That Hit Close to Home

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Aug 16, 2019 11:00 PM EDT

They talk about "for better and for worse" but they don't really mention the 90% of the time in between where you just do things that are big enough to get on each others nerves but too small to make a deal about. Here are some relatable observations people in long term relationships will feel sum things up pretty well. For more, here are a ton of tweets about marriage that are too real.

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  • 01
    tweet - Text - Mommy Owl @Lhlodder My husband: "Did you move my...? Never mind I found it. -Repeat every day for our entire marriage.
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 02
    tweet - Text - Not another Pinterest Mom @snarkymomtobe While Husband was out of town I took the opportunity to *clean out the refrigerator "not grocery shop for 2 weeks
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  • 03
    tweet - Text - Josh Pivots Slowly @Tryptofantastic My wife: we're going to relax this vacation and not plan too many activities Also my wife: today we are going to a palm frond macrame class, followed by bathtub snorkeling for beginners, a how-to-hibatchi course then we have to hurry so we can watch the pineapples grow by sunset
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 04
    tweet - Text - [crockett] @CrockettsBeard Wife: babe, do you want the sausage or the bacon biscuit? Me: I'll take sausage Wife: well that's the one I'm eating, you had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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  • 05
    tweet - Text - Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35 Mornings when my wife can sleep in: Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house] Mornings when I can sleep in: Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
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  • 06
    tweet - Text - mark @TheCatWhisprer ME: thinks something* WIFE: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
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  • 07
    tweet - Text - Stacey @skittle624 For our anniversary, my husband and I decided to be extra romantic, so we are sharing a glass of water to wash down our Excedrin Migraine pills.
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  • 08
    tweet - Food - Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer The earliest dinner reservations we could get tonight was 9pm and my husband suggested we go get cheeseburgers around 6 to hold us over during this difficult time.
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  • 09
    tweet - Text - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My dog and I have this cute bedtime routine where he sleeps in my husband's spot and I let him.
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  • 10
    tweet - Text - URSULA @3sunzzz I told my husband I was sad today. It's not true but when I'm sad he takes me out to dinner. When you've been married for 27+ years you learn a thing or two.
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 11
    tweet - Text - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy *crying and eating cookie dough ice cream* HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day? ME: No. Why?
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  • 12
    tweet - Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Me: My wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: (stands up) Wife: While you're up....
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  • 13
    tweet - Text - The Salty Mamas @saltymamas Husband: Oooh, where'd you get this lacy sportsbra? Me: "seductively whispers* Costco H: Ooh what else? Me: I got you beer and toilet paper too. H: Shut up and take me now. And that my friends is married people dirty talk.
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  • 14
    tweet - Product - WTFDAD @daddydoubts Marriage is basically a series of emotional pop quizzes
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  • 15
    tweet - Text - sophielou @sophielou Dating: finishing each other's sentences is so romantic |Marriage: quit mocking me by finishing my sentences
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  • 16
    tweet - Text - Sassparilla @Megatronic13 husband: *mopping up pools of blood from the kitchen floor* me: *walks in* OH MY GOD husband: babe, I can explain- me: you're cleaning
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  • 17
    tweet - Vegetation - Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 *getting ready to go on vacation* Me: We're getting in the car. My husband: Ok, I just need to take a quick shower & reconfigure the whole sprinkler system.
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 18
    tweet - Food - DaddyGrownup @DaddyGrownup Do that thing I like... [Husband adds more cheese]
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  • 19
    tweet - Popcorn - Robert Knop @FatherWithTwins Let's get married so we can argue about what movie to watch in the background while we stare at our phones POP CORN PO CORD
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  • 20
    tweet - Furniture - Boyd's BackyardTM @TheBoydP No one: Me: My wife buys a lot of throw pillows
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  • 21
    tweet - Font - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby Wife: Why can't you just say phrases correctly?! Me: Well aren't you a ray of sunscreen. ete Sa BA pO OPALA TAN 4LOTION
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 22
    tweet - Sponge - Aunt 'Chelle @ravenswng Before you marry, make sure you have some sort of agreement on how well the water in the kitchen sponge needs to be wrung out
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  • 23
    tweet - Text - Stabbatha Christy @LoveNLunchmeat If you look very closely at a marriage license, there's a clause saying that the husband shall spend 40% of his time sitting in the car patiently waiting
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 24
    tweet - Clothing - Darlin' Darla @Darlainky It's cute how my husband thought he'd get half the closet
    via youandmeandrainbows
  • 25
    tweet - Food - Jester D @JustMeTurtle It's my wife's birthday so she gets to pick the restaurant, unlike all those other times when...wait for it... she gets to pick the restaurant
    via youandmeandrainbows

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life marriage jokes observation wife relationships husband lol domestic funny twitter funny tweets funny twitter relationship memes
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