Podcaster on TikTok Says Desire is BS, Sparks Discussion About “Responsive vs Spontaneous S*x Drive"

TikToker Joan aka @happinessnwrath is a podcast host who gives relationship advice. She's taken her words now to TikTok where she gives advice and explains much of her terminology and other expert views on relationship goals. Recently, she shared he thoughts on desire. Basically, she says there is a “spectrum” for desire and it usually ranges between “Spontaneous Desire” and “Responsive Desire." She thoroughly explains them with several examples in her TikToks, but basically, spontaneous desire is more of an instant reaction—so you see someone, and you think they're hot and you're ready to go. Where as responsive desire is more like, you meet someone, you start talking to them, you have a lot of shared interests, you enjoy their company, etc. etc., and that's when you start to feel the desire. 

“Desire is BS”

The reason this is sparking a lot of discussion in her comment section is that she initially talks about it in terms of a longterm relationship. She says that it's possible you started your relationship with spontaneous desire, and now it's transitioning to responsive desire and your sex drive is all outta whack. This topic seems to be extremely relatable for viewers—both asking because they're in a longterm relationship and no longer feel like they have the sex drive they had in the beginning, but also people who feel like they're stuck with one sort of desire and it's also kind of ruining their relationships. 

“Desire is a spectrum”

What “Responsive Desire” Looks Like

What is "Spontaneous Desire"

Basically, Joan is saying you need to find a balance and you shouldn't feel bad if you have a shift in desire—in fact, it's natural. The comment section is not the usually internet arguments where people hide behind their keyboards to spout hate. It's actually filled with curious viewers who are simply asking lots of questions and want to learn more about this spectrum of desires to better their relationships. In fact, she's gotten so many questions that's she has an entire video explaining how to ask her things privately. 

Beginning Relationship Desires

Male vs Female Desire

Overall, as humans, we all experience desire and it can get confusing sometimes. Neither spontaneous or responsive desires are bad, it all depends on how you recognize them in your relationships and how you use them.