SquishFace92

*I found an old, moldy piece of mozzarella cheese in the back of the fridge* Me: Eww mom, I'm go...

(Our cat is diabetic and has to have insulin injections twice a day) Dad: Morning cat, have you ...

Telemarketers keep calling the house. (Dad answers the phone): Adventure! (hangs up) Me: O.o

(Mom at window looking into the yard) Mom: Who's that good looking boy in the yard? He's fit. M...

Me: *hiccup* Dad: Oh, hi. What's up? You just get the hiccups all of a sudden? Me: It happens s...

Step-dad: Don't samba with the cat! Me: Why not? Step-dad: Because she doesn't know how!

Dad: *Hands me a spray bottle and paper towels* Now go and clean your bathroom as if Jesus himsel...

Me: I had a fight at school today. Dad: Did you punch his dick?

Grandma: Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my beer!!! Brother: (from other room) Uh... Dude? I...

Mom: What's that thing called that's like a bagel with a hole in it? Me: ... A donut? Mom: *an...

My dad is on the phone with a telemarketer. Mid sentence, he cuts him off: "I'm terribly sorry, b...

*My dad's fly was down* My sister: dad, your cows are loose. Dad:(seriously) MY COWS RUN FREELY...

Boyfriend: This suit is hot, it's making me sweat. Mom: At least you're not skeeting. Me, boyfr...

Me, playing Angry Birds: Dad, have you ever played Angry Birds? Dad: No, but I've seen the movie...

My Grandpa (As we walk into the furniture store): "Excuse me, do you have any croutons?" Salesma...

Me and dad walking through London Me: Wow look at that Lamborghini. Dad: Well the joke is on th...

Mum: we're running like a well oiled... oiled?.. oiled, engine? Me: a well oiled machine. Mum: ...

*my little brother had heard the word 'vagina' at school, and i was trying to explain why he shouldn't repeat it. me: look, you shouldn't say it becau... uncle ralph interrupts: it's like bloody mary. if you say vagina, one will come in your sleep and kill you.. *after little brother leaves* gay brother: you do realize that now we'll be checking his closet for a vagina every night, right? uncle ralph: plenty of men would be very happy to find a vagina in their closet.

(my mom and I got sunburn at the beach earlier that day) Mom: I'm taking my bra off, I don't care what anyone says. Me: I think I need to take mine off too...this hurts too bad Mom: Yes, yes! LET 'EM FREE! Sweet Jesus, let the girls go free! DO IT! Me: ....

(My Dad, Mom, And I walking around looking in shops) Dad: My favorite part of going into the store is leaving. Its a special feeling. (We walk into another store) Dad: (really loudly) YOU'RE MAKING ME WAIT TO GET MY SPECIAL FEELING!!! Me: *facepalm*

(trying to make Mojito cocktails for a family gathering,they weren't working) Grandad: but why do you have to put mint in it!? Auntie: because it's a F**KING Mojito!!!