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Roundup Of Humorous Tidbits To Kick Your Brain Into Gear

  • 1
    Floor - I rescued her from a locked door. She then realized I wasn't her human.
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  • 2
    Skin - CHARLIE @charlieSuch98 Girlfriend is just a tiny bit dramatic 5:35 l 4G - Twitter Tayla I've just sliced my hand open Oh yeah deffo! X And omg what Show me Delivered Tayla > I've just sliced my hand open I was cleaning Hallie x Message
  • 3
    Text - But did you die? @Jeremysgirl5150 Husband is in the living room working out while I sit here watching him and eating tacos.. 3:36 PM · 7/27/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 4
    Poster - HAVE YOU SEEN BRIAN? ne Fi no p no Last seen gambling and hanging out with "the wrong crowd". Always hanging around girls. Don't approach him until he's had his coffee and do not lend him money. Don't tell him you're calling me - Brian hates snitches and has no time for nerds. pre inf Please just tell me where he is and what he's up to. (02) 96
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  • 5
    Text - baby spice @gardenofstarss Replying to @rfarawi_ the day I almost died Sana where R U? five guys be back soon Who are they? I am calling you home Don't talk to me ever again batameez mom it's food Delivered K 2:44 PM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 6
    Text - Huh-Beeb @hvbeeeb it smells like oran- the person behind me:
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    Text - Ron Iver @ronnui_ Chefs on TV will pull a pan out of a 400 degree oven with their bare hands meanwhile I'm out here trying to toss ravioli in boiling water from the free throw line 1:20 PM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 8
    Text - henrydefencesquad inside of you are two wolves. one wants to work on a million new and exciting projects. the other refuses to do anything it's not instantly good at. you are a former gifted kid
  • 9
    Text - u/ChuckBass11 • 9h How did pspspspsps become the thing we say to cats? 8.7k 854 1 Share + Award BEST COMMENTS farfetchedfrank · 9h The sound is quite high pitched so it gets a cats attention when they're not looking at you. Reply 4.9k kwonza · 7h In Russia we say "kis-kis-kis" 2.1k Unclear1nstructions · 7h In Finland we say "ks-ks-ks" 1.5k SurprisingPecker · 7h 6 Awards In Scotland we say "C'mere ya wee cunt" 6.3k ...
  • 10
    Text - How to stay financially stable in life 1. Don't get into crafts during a pandemic
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  • 11
    Text - My cat any time I use the bathroom I wanna be in the room where it happens
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    Cat - Sitting on a napkin, thinking about murder...
  • 13
    Font - A.D. @AD_Renaissance Ring: "There is motion at your front door" (When you live in Florida) ring
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  • 14
    Text - Raw Motherhood @MetteAngerhofer My 6yo left her unicorn bath squirter outside for a couple of weeks and brought it in for her bath tonight. Without inspecting it, she squirted it into the tub and screamed as the corpses of dead earwigs shot out. So let's just assume that will come up in therapy later in life. 7:32 PM · 7/27/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 15
    Cat - RustyBertrand @RustyBertrand Meanwhile, in Iceland. Pál Dánielsdóttir Mousekeeping FOSSHOTEL Hellnum/356 Snafellsbx/630169-2919 coolcatgroup I'm so proud of them
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    Text - Jessie @mommajessiec One day you're a badass. The next you're thanking a toddler for handing you a soggy cracker. 6:08 AM · 7/27/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 17
    Text - Laura Marie @Imegordon Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move. 6:43 PM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 18
    Wool - I didnt get fat in lockdown.... i got... king cole Corona CHUNKY @nefer_dagaz
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    Text - Rads @FeelingEuphoric abs are made in the kitchen, but so are doughnuts, pancakes, mac and cheese, ice cream sundaes, mashed potatoes, cookies, 6:32 PM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Text - A WAFFLE IS JUST A MORE CONSIDERATE PANCAKE. IT'S LIKE HERE, LET ME HOLD THAT SYRUP FOR YOU, IN THESE CONVENIENT BOXES.
  • 21
    Cat - Me: I'm going to the bathroom My cat: WE are going
  • 22
    Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface Parents need to get better at teaching their kids that swear words aren't actually bad they're just only appropriate in certain contexts, this 9yo girl at the grocery store just held up a bag of cauliflower rice and said "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS" and she deserves a fucking Oscar 6:33 AM · 12/21/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Interviewer: why do you want this job? Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food
  • 24
    Text - ine what city slickers don't understand is that weird noises always come from the forest and we just ignore it froody if you go out to investigate and get got then that is on you, ignore it and go back to sleep like a rational person goweninsane And NOT find a fae husband? No thanks froody that's not your man out there that's a banshee
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    Darkness - МЕ FOOD I'M MAKING meow meow meow meow meow MY CAT C MY CAT BUT NOW HE'S meow OVER HERE
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  • 26
    Text - fairy god mom @lyxopk the way my mom texts me.... i see where i get it from Hi How are you ll T-Mobile ? 6:23 PM @ 78% M Good how are you Mom a Sad Why Today 5:36 PM What are you cooking I don't know So many things I cannot tell you What did you do all day Tell me Sleep No Okay Ok Вy Delivered Bye
  • 27
    Text - I'm not very petty Also me: @alienwithnojob You parked so Close to Your Tahoe.because You're an AtoE! me I took the T off of AHOE
  • 28
    Text - СeciATL @CeciATL the other day my daughter told me we "need to have a talk" & then she calmly explained to me she doesn't like how i talk to her when i'm trying to rush her. she said rushing her interrupts her imagination and makes her actually take longer. the fucking DRAG. the shame i felt omg
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  • 29
    Adaptation - When you scoop some Froot Loops into the spoon and it's exactly six loops with individual colors
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    Face - Yeah sex is cool but have you farted so good that your stomach ache is gone?
  • 31
    Text - Honest Restaurant Manager @phileagle_ I just want someone to look at me the way a 50 year old women stares at a 25 year old bartender after 3 vodka cranberries.
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  • 32
    Purple - This collab makes so much sense TOVES MLE TACC BELL Scott CO ING Tissue Fiesta Strength EXTRA ABSORBENT 12 BIG ROLLS ademshe.
  • 33
    Yoda - please sir, i want some more Stop texting me that shit, just tell me how much weed you want drgrayfang
  • 34
    Text - prokopetz Follow It took my new cat a while to realise that kissing the top of her head was a gesture of affection, but I think she's finally got it. The downside is that she now thinks the best way to signal that she wants cuddles is to come charging at me and mash the top of her head against my face. It's like a very affectionate punch in the mouth. #life #cats
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  • 35
    Text - Laurent Perrier @itslaurentbtw Whenever I get asked to do something I don't want to do I just answer "in a pandemic?" and it's worked pretty well so far
  • 36
    Text - Alyssa Schoener @alyssa_schoener No girl has actually seen a picture of a man holding a fish and thought "he has a lot of talent and skill and seems really adventurous and fun, I would like to have sex with him" so maybe let's stop doing that
  • 37
    Text - OR cap'n watsisname @capnwatsisname Her: so, are you seeing anyone? Me: nope, it's just the voices.
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  • 38
    T-shirt - Still one of the best photos of all time

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